Tag: Live in the present

Podcasts

On my 4 hour drive to Hereford today I was listening to podcasts. I have really got into listening to podcasts rather than music when I walk or drive. I find that they keep me interested and keep me more in the present than music does. Music makes me remember thus to live in the past or to daydream / fantasise which means living in a ridiculously unobtainable future.

Today I listened to a couple of podcasts by The Minimalists. Ryan and Joshua. Two very intelligent guys who definitely think creatively about life and are not just about decluttering and getting rid of stuff. https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-minimalists-podcast/id1069757084?mt=2&i=1000429698510

Towards the end of what seemed like a very long journey, I started to listen to Free Buddhist Audio. This is a tremendous resource packed full of talks by very knowledgable and spiritual Buddhists from the Triratna Community. I only heard the first part of this one but what I heard reassured me. Padmavajra talked of the need to have purpose, hope and energy. Buddhists are not meant to be passive but active. Virya paramita = the perfection of energy. I need to develop a sense of calm and peace but energy is a good thing, a positive thing. I am always struggling to reconcile living in the present with a direction, goal, purpose.

I haven’t listened to all of this podcast yet but will probably do so on the journey back tomorrow!

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/free-buddhist-audio-community-podcasts/id75081757?mt=2&i=1000431410884

All being well…

 

So many thoughts going on in my head today.  I have been realising this week  that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain.  I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect.  I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me.  But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for.    This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day.  When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news.  Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most.  It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can!  But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear.  That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop.  That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.

And there is guilt!  Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace.  Not everything is going wrong!  A lot seems to be going very well.  I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend.  A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose.  I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me.  I laugh with friends.  I become immersed in a book.  I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.

Her ears looked so funny this morning!

Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely.  I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment!  Yes – I am weird!  I am not even sure  I have explained that at all well.

I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through.  How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha.  This is becoming increasingly important to me.  I have also written a lot about changing what I can change.  Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.

This week I have been feeling particularly fragile.  But I am standing firm.  Staying calm.  Three “things” are helping.  The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen.  I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things.  The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“.  I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps.  It helps keep things in perspective.

The second is individual friendship.  Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love.  It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere.  However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me.  My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me.  Those people who just text or call me to see how I am.  Those people who never fail to check in with me.  Those hugs, those words of understanding.  These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence.  Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly.  They make me feel connected to the world.  I feel great love / metta.  There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.

And the third.  This came to me at the retreat.  I have to just let some things be.  I just have to accept what is sometimes.  A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while.  See what happens.  Just stop trying so hard.

I will stop here.  There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now.  If you are one of the people still reading this blog –  thank you xx

I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.

Thinking positive

 

Sometimes I feel a big urge to write but have no subject!! Nothing comes to mind but I feel like writing. Most of the time I resist this strange compulsion but have decided to go with it this time.

I must admit to feeling a little sad this morning. I think I am losing someone I love and care for. I can feel the connection slipping away.  But today, I’m not going to write about what is going wrong. It gets boring to write about and must be tedious to read. I haven’t many of you reading this blog – I can’t afford to bore you!

So what is going right? Some people – clever, sensible, mindful people – make lists of 3 / 5 things that they are grateful for every day. Or, they list what went well. Doing this every day helps to rewire the brain – what you think you become.

So today – 5 positives in no particular order.

  • Beautiful skies on this morning’s walk
  • Pretzel has a friend – Harley- who we see every morning. His owner and I are making plans for them to play together – play date !!!
  • Lovely Buddhist meeting last night. Met a young woman from Switzerland who is just visiting Eastbourne for a couple of days. She had such terrific energy and kindness. She found out about the meeting and decided to come along despite the fact that it would only be the once. Really inspiring.
  • Looking forward to my first retreat at the weekend
  • My parents are together, safe and cared for.

As I was writing the 5, I realised that I have more…  There are so many positives.  And that friendship I mentioned at the beginning of this post?  Relationships / friendships ebb and flow.  Who knows what will happen?  I just have to be open to the possibilities.

So I found something to write about !

“You have the direction… now to find the steps”

 

I have found myself in a state of confusion over the past few days.  Not able to reconcile the need to accept the suffering and even the death of a loved one with equanimity with the need not to become cold and unfeeling.  With the need to show others that I do care, I do love whilst still remaining calm and present.

Because of all of the stuff that has been going on, I have been reading and reflecting a lot on how to keep calm, live in the present moment and how to keep sailing a smooth path through loud, swirling winds.  As you can see from my last post, I have read Tolle’s “Power of Now”.  I have also had “Sailing the Worldly Winds” by Vajragupta recommended to me so I am reading that.  I have been bringing to mind the impermanence of everything including life; I have pondered on Dukkha – the general unsatisfactoriness of life.  Somehow I am standing in the middle of it all keeping calm (mostly) and letting things take their course.

But ….  But how do I do this and not turn back to the person I used to be?  How do I manage to keep in the present moment responding rather than reacting to my emotions without returning to the person who used to hide her emotions behind very strong walls?  How do I work my way through the seeming paradox of reacting skillfully, remembering that everything has an ending and caring deeply? How can I be present for those I love in their suffering and not appear to be disinterested and cold?  How do I continue to “become more Tee”?  How do I find this path?  What am I looking for?  A friend said that I “have the direction, now to find the steps”.

Yesterday evening, I went to my Buddhist Meeting as usual.  Every time I attend a Sangha meeting or meet up with friends from the Sangha I am struck by their calm, their sense of peace and the loving kindness / metta which flows from them.  As we meditated, talked over tea and listened to the talks, I realised that metta is the key to this seeming paradox.  I have not yet worked how but know that I am on the right path, taking the correct steps.   This may well be obvious to everyone else – I may just be very slow on the uptake!

I know that I need to reflect more on this.  I definitely need and intend to practise the Metta Bhavana Meditation.  In this practice we cultivate loving kindness beginning with ourselves and eventually spreading it out to all sentient beings.

“The teachings on love by the Buddha are clear, scientific and applicable… Love, compassion, joy and equanimity are the very nature of an enlightened person.  They are the four aspects of true love within ourselves and within everyone and everything”

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am not sure about this post…  I feel that I have not adequately explained what I feel and the dilemma I face.  I am not sure that I have described my small glimmer of light very well.  But I am going to post this anyway.  Things are not always straightforward.  Some things need to be pondered upon and thought through for a while so that they become less twisted and tangled.  In the writing and reflecting I will take a step or two forward.  I am sure that I will come to these reflections.

The Power of Now

Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now

I have been listening to this as I have walked Pretzel and driven to meetings.  It is a book that I am pleased that I have listened to rather than read.  Listening to Eckhart Tolle’s words has made me concentrate on them and bring my whole self to them.  There are so many messages to reflect upon.   It is a book that I will need to keep coming back to.

I think that anyone who has been reading this blog will see that I am working to keep in the now, in the present; trying to prevent my thoughts from disappearing into the past or looking forward into an imagined future.  I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and where they are taking me.  Because of this awareness, I am sometimes able to step back from my thoughts and focus more on where I am now, in this minute.  There is only now.  Everything happens in the now.  Concentrating / obsessing on the past or future, even wishing life was different is a fruitless endeavour which just brings pain and suffering.

Tolle talks about the Pain Body.  The Pain Body is self-created and, once in existence, it wants to survive by any means possible.   It will survive by feeding on any negative emotions, situation.  It wants to cause or experience pain.   It will pretend to be me, take me over, lead me to repeating patterns that will cause me more pain so that it is fed and very much alive within me.  Since listening to Tolle talking about the Pain Body, I have reflected on mine.  I have seen that I have, unconsciously, been feeding it in the way that I have lived and the choices I have made.  Even looking back at the past, wishing it had been different feeds the pain making it deeper.  Fantasising about a fantastically happy future or worrying also feeds the pain.   “The moment you observe the pain body, feel its energy within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken”.

In previous posts, I have been reflecting on the fact that my life situation has not changed but my perception of it has.  Well – my life situation has changed!  In many ways it has got worse!  More suffering for myself and those who I love.  Tolle makes a distinction between one’s life and one’s life situation.  Things happen in life.  The fact of impermanence means that even happy situations will not last.  There will always be pain; pleasure will always be temporary.   To find peace, I need to work towards not being dependent upon life being a certain way.   I am trying to step back from situations, from my thoughts about them.  As a result I feel much more positive, more at peace with what is and where I am.

I have also been reflecting on Tolle’s thoughts on romantic love.  To the ego, loving and wanting are the same.  True love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or wanting someone to change.  The ego uses the other person to cover up feelings of discontentment.  In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering.  We crave what we cannot have, or what cannot last.  Attachment is the usual basis of romantic relationships.  We often attach our personal happiness to one person.  It is difficult, as you may appreciate, to comment too much on my thinking and learning about attachment in romantic relationships as others are involved.  However, I can say that recent experience has shown me that my relationships now (both romantic and others) have much less to do with attachment than in the past.  Please – do not for a minute think that I am 100% there!  Obviously not.  But now, those people I love and care for (romantically or otherwise,  I don’t want to change.  I don’t need to possess them.  I want them to be well and happy, at peace.  I can support them and love them by making sure that they know that I am here for them.

Tolle makes a distinction between clock time and psychological time.  Clock time is often required so that we can actually live in this world.   Time, however, is a construct.  We only ever live in the now.  There is never a time when life is not lived in the now.   But we become trapped into bringing the past and the future into the present so that we step out of the present.  Negativity is caused by psychological time and denial of the present moment.  Fear, anxiety, etc are caused by thinking of the future; Sadness, regret, guilt arises from devotion to the past.  It seems impossible to me at the moment to live totally in the present.  I can feel my mind forcing its way into my consciousness and thinking about what has been or what could be.   But – I have got better at accepting the present, accepting what is.  Not longing for or fearing the future.  Not looking back with sadness or nostalgia.  I am learning – very slowly – to feel gratitude for what is happening right now; to be aware of my emotions and thoughts right now.   

“If you make a mistake in the past and learn from it now, you are using clock time.  On the other hand, if you dwell on it mentally, and self-criticism, remorse or guilt come up, then you are making the mistake into “me” and “mine”: You make it part of your sense of self, and it has become psychological time, which is always linked to a false sense of identity“

 

No words for this week

Well it’s been a week… a week that I guess I knew would happen at some time but still managed to be a shock. A week in which my Dad has ended up seriously ill in hospital… a week in which I have had to find my mum a place in a care home. A week in which I sat in the sister’s office listening to news that I didn’t want to hear and then having to come home and tell my mum. I don’t know what will happen next … it’s all still very much a waiting game.

I’m not ready to start analysing my feelings. I have had to shut them away to some extent so that I can concentrate on helping my mum with her care and with the decisions that need to be made. I will have to save feeling for later.

There have been a few things which have struck me this week… the first is friendship. My parents have such caring and good friends who have been ringing and offering help all week. Some of them they have known for years. My parents are well loved. And my friends – one looking after Pretzel and my cats – oh and the hamster. Others texting sending their love. And one disappointing me I guess – but I have learnt not to push; not to take what isn’t freely given. And others I haven’t told because I don’t want to keep saying the words.

The staff on the ward have been wonderful. The NHS is much blamed and maligned but the nurses are amazingly caring people. And the consultant is doing the very best he can to give my dad the best hope possible. I also appreciate his honesty.

I have always been awe struck by how my dad has cared for my mum – putting her first and doing everything for her. This week as my brother and I have shared the caring doing it together and individually I have learnt just how tiring it can be. And my Dad must have felt unwell for a while but carried on regardless…

I have been surprised by how much I miss my home – my life. I miss my girls, my animals. I miss my cats curling up on my lap and my early morning Pretzel walks. I miss chatting with my girls. I missed going to the Buddhist meeting last night. I feel a strong sense of disconnection and a longing to be at home if only for a day or two. I guess I just want some “normal”. Some time where I’m not having to deal with wheelchairs and personal care; some time when I’m not having to help my mum make big decisions. Some time when I can start to process everything.

So this week has been about suffering. About the probable ending of a life my mum and dad had together. Impermanence. Sadness.

Movement on the house selling front..

After a couple of viewings and a price negotiation, I have accepted an offer on my house.  The relief is immense but it is coupled with the knowledge that nothing is in the bag yet and that the next few weeks will be busy and full of waiting.  The need for patience will be great – and I think you now have an inkling of just how good I am at that.  I have done all that I can for now – I have instructed a solicitor (who sounded very human and approachable on the phone! He does come highly recommended).  And I look forward (not) to having a pile of forms to complete.

As well as that – I have to start seriously sorting my life out.  I am completely downsizing – as in a static caravan downsizing.  Everything that I own will need to fit in that caravan (without the caravan seeming to be cluttered in any way) or in a small shed which I believe that I can have on my plot.  There will be no storage facilities in my future.  All of my furniture will have to go except for one very precious dressing table which will need to be kept safe.  My Great Grandfather built it.  He was a woodwork teacher, I believe.  One of those teachers who was allowed to (and apparently frequently did) throw the board rubber at naughty students.  I noticed the dressing table in my Grandad’s house when we were moving him out to a flat in my late teens.  It was in poor condition but my Dad did it up for me and I have had it ever since.  Not sure if it will fit in the van but it may.  If not I will need to find it a home – maybe with my girls.  Apart from furniture there is a heap of other stuff to go.  Books ( I am allowing myself 10 as I have a kindle); DVDs (I will watch and store online); clothes (will need to cut down by half at least); kitchenware and so it goes on.  There will be several trips to the charity shop and the local tip over the next few weeks I am sure.

It is now very tempting to start living in the future….  But I must remember to live in the present.  Things can still go wrong, get held up or not happen at all.  It will take a couple of months at least to go through – although having no chain will help considerably!  Just (just lol) one buyer to buy one house. In the meantime life goes on for me and my girls.

Patience and living in the present

Do not let Mara and his host of Demons disturb your peace

 

So I had a down patch over the weekend. It didn’t last long. See previous post for details of my self inflicted angst. And yesterday I felt good and today I feel the same. Part of that is the realisation that my future is not preordained; my future does not have to be boring and pedantic. I can do things – have adventures. And now is not awful. Now is tough in many ways but it is not awful. Lots of now is good and positive.

So I have been following Instagram accounts showing camper van conversions and travel. I have stalked hikers/photographers who post pictures of mountains and beaches – beauty. I have read Ben Fogle’s book on climbing Everest (- few posts ago – and no I won’t be climbing Everest in this lifetime, maybe the next lol). And I am currently reading a book by an amazing woman Anna McNuff running her way across New Zealand… No I will not be doing that either!  I am thinking camper van, New Zealand. I am thinking wild camping and hiking.  I am thinking of travelling to the places where I have always wanted to go. For the first time in many years I can see that life can be fun again.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life with my daughters. They are lovely human beings and my relationship with them is slowly changing as they grow into these amazing young women. I love my dog, my cats. My house is comfortable and warm . I still have vivid memories of the joy of walking into it on the day I moved in. I have amazing friends who I love seeing for game evenings and cups of tea. i have my Buddhist group and the people there who have very quickly become very important to me.  But I couldn’t see past this life. I couldn’t see past the day when my girls left to start their adventures. I thought that this is it! Me alone sitting in this house, working with data for the rest of my life.  A very sad and pathetic picture!  I just couldn’t see a way out.  I felt trapped.  I escaped from the cage for a little while last year when I had a period of time in which I had a plan, a journey.  It was going to be glorious – but that wasn’t to be. (Note to self – don’t put my key to happiness in someone else’s pocket.)

Now I am allowing myself to enjoy my life as it is currently. Buddhist meetings and Dharma study. Pretzel walks. My girls. JD and Smirnoff cuddles. Seeing friends. And on selling my house my immediate future will be fun and challenging – I am imagining walking, photography and camping. And into the future more adventure and maybe do that PhD that I always wanted to do (did a year but had to stop cos of an extremely bad back – another story ). I am imagining time to read, study, learn more about and practice Buddhism skillfully.

It might seem as if I have huge mood swings constantly flying from sadness and depression up to happiness and excitement for the future. I guess that, in some ways, this has been true of me in the past. I don’t mean the extreme mood swings that some people get because of mental illness etc but there has often been noticeable shifts. I felt like I was on a roller coaster which I allowed to take me on great highs and then the lows.  Now I try to keep my mood more stable, more positive.  I appreciate the good times but try not to be too sad when they are over.  I have recognised that my mood is more affected by my thoughts and reactions to my emotions than to outside influences / events. I now see that nothing is permanent so I try to enjoy and relish the good times and, when bad things happen, remember that all is impermanent. “This too shall pass“.

Last night I went to my Dharma Training Study Group where we were discussing the mythology around the life of Buddha.  We looked at the story of Mara and his demons throwing stones, arrows and flames at the Buddha.  But as they reached his aura of light they all turned into flowers and fell.  The Buddha remained unmoved by the attack.  One of the women at the group – a truly wise and spiritual woman – likened these stones, arrows and flames to our negative thoughts, people’s opinions and words of discouragement, less than positive outside influences. We have to learn to let them turn to flowers and fall before they have a chance to invade our peace.

Obviously I have not perfected this way of living, of being yet.  Silly things still get me down and make me miserable or angry (or both).  But I keep trying and, as a I try, I succeed more often.

I do recommend that you read the book by Anna McNuff. It’s one of the prime reading books on Amazon Prime

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/199976580X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_YMYrCb0G4AMMS