Moving in..

Well I am here! After a very stressful few days of clearing my house I have moved to my caravan.

I am surrounded by boxes and bags. There is definitely too much stuff here! Because of unexpected trips to Hereford, I could not do the number of charity shop and tip runs that I had hoped for. I cannot work our how to operate the oven: my bathroom light isn’t working and I have very confused pets.

But I love my caravan. I think that I will be very happy here. And doing this has allowed me to hand in my notice at work… a start of a new life.

This couple of weeks have been so stressful and hard. My Dad. His funeral. Trips to Hereford. Packing up a house. I am so grateful to my friends who have helped me. Also those from my Sangha who have been there for me. I have been boring on the subject I am sure but people have been there ready to help me in whatever way they could. It is times like this when you learn who are truly your friends. Some could do nothing practically but contacted me most days to make sure that I was ok. This meant so much.

So a step on my journey! A giant step after such a horrible 16 months.

Nearly done …

I am sitting here in the house that I have lived in for 8 1/2 years. All the furniture has gone. There are just boxes and stuff to be taken to the caravan, me, two unhappy cats and a very disturbed Pretzel. I am a little tired. The last two weeks have been manic – trying to move but more importantly my Dad. He died. He died! How did that happen? He was meant to last for a few years yet! So a funeral to help arrange, a tribute to write … lots of 200 mile trips to Hereford. A funeral taking place in a crowded chapel in sunshine.

So now I am sitting here propped up on cushions surrounded by stuff. My heart aches. My body is in pain – my back has never been good and the rest of my body has decided to follow suit. I feel a bit lonely. I realise that I am still hurting, still in pain from a failed relationship. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount I have to get done by Friday morning. I am feeling a little sad about leaving this house which holds so many memories.

Reminding myself that this move is such a positive thing. I am continuing on my journey – this is a huge step. It was never going to be easy. This move will mean a new life for me and for my girls. A new life on which I can take time to meditate, help others and be a better mum.

So I have to take a deep breath and keep going!

Movement on the house selling front..

After a couple of viewings and a price negotiation, I have accepted an offer on my house.  The relief is immense but it is coupled with the knowledge that nothing is in the bag yet and that the next few weeks will be busy and full of waiting.  The need for patience will be great – and I think you now have an inkling of just how good I am at that.  I have done all that I can for now – I have instructed a solicitor (who sounded very human and approachable on the phone! He does come highly recommended).  And I look forward (not) to having a pile of forms to complete.

As well as that – I have to start seriously sorting my life out.  I am completely downsizing – as in a static caravan downsizing.  Everything that I own will need to fit in that caravan (without the caravan seeming to be cluttered in any way) or in a small shed which I believe that I can have on my plot.  There will be no storage facilities in my future.  All of my furniture will have to go except for one very precious dressing table which will need to be kept safe.  My Great Grandfather built it.  He was a woodwork teacher, I believe.  One of those teachers who was allowed to (and apparently frequently did) throw the board rubber at naughty students.  I noticed the dressing table in my Grandad’s house when we were moving him out to a flat in my late teens.  It was in poor condition but my Dad did it up for me and I have had it ever since.  Not sure if it will fit in the van but it may.  If not I will need to find it a home – maybe with my girls.  Apart from furniture there is a heap of other stuff to go.  Books ( I am allowing myself 10 as I have a kindle); DVDs (I will watch and store online); clothes (will need to cut down by half at least); kitchenware and so it goes on.  There will be several trips to the charity shop and the local tip over the next few weeks I am sure.

It is now very tempting to start living in the future….  But I must remember to live in the present.  Things can still go wrong, get held up or not happen at all.  It will take a couple of months at least to go through – although having no chain will help considerably!  Just (just lol) one buyer to buy one house. In the meantime life goes on for me and my girls.

Patience and living in the present

Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold.  I am in a curious state of limbo.  So much hinges on the sale of my house.  It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale.  My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all.  I am trying to be patient.  I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future.  But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week.  It has been a mixture of highs and lows.  I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment.  I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me.  On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre.   I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write.  So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well.  At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship.  I know this to be true.  Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed.  Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away.  There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt.  And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little.  But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted.  Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path.  My route has felt a little dangerous lately.  I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall.  There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over.  At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good.  I am happier, content.  I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me.  I just have to stay patient and focused.

House selling

Getting a house ready for a viewing is an interesting experience. All the general clutter has already gone. The house actually feels much lighter, a much better place to love in. As I said to a friend this morning, why didn’t I do this years ago?

But this morning I was walking round the house trying to see it through a stranger’s eyes. I saw the good parts – and there are lots of them. Big kitchen, good sized low maintenance garden, good size bedrooms. It looks like a place which can be lived in quite happily. But I also saw the “faults”, those bits which I would have changed years ago if I had the money.

What would a stranger see? I am pleased that I would not be in the house when the viewers are shown around.

And now it’s a waiting game. I hate waiting games. I am not good at not being in control. Please house – sell soon!

And it now feels real…

 

So I have done it – my house is on the market.  It is happening!  After a completely insane Christmas and New Year clearing and decorating, my house is finally on the market.  It did not seem very real until I came home at lunchtime and there was the For Sale sign in my garden.

It’s exciting.  I have taken the first step in moving towards a simpler life.   It is the first step in living a better life.   It is ever so slightly scary!  But it feels right.

So now starts the waiting game…