Moving – Becoming more Tee

Moving in..

Well I am here! After a very stressful few days of clearing my house I have moved to my caravan.

I am surrounded by boxes and bags. There is definitely too much stuff here! Because of unexpected trips to Hereford, I could not do the number of charity shop and tip runs that I had hoped for. I cannot work our how to operate the oven: my bathroom light isn’t working and I have very confused pets.

But I love my caravan. I think that I will be very happy here. And doing this has allowed me to hand in my notice at work… a start of a new life.

This couple of weeks have been so stressful and hard. My Dad. His funeral. Trips to Hereford. Packing up a house. I am so grateful to my friends who have helped me. Also those from my Sangha who have been there for me. I have been boring on the subject I am sure but people have been there ready to help me in whatever way they could. It is times like this when you learn who are truly your friends. Some could do nothing practically but contacted me most days to make sure that I was ok. This meant so much.

So a step on my journey! A giant step after such a horrible 16 months.

Nearly done …

I am sitting here in the house that I have lived in for 8 1/2 years. All the furniture has gone. There are just boxes and stuff to be taken to the caravan, me, two unhappy cats and a very disturbed Pretzel. I am a little tired. The last two weeks have been manic – trying to move but more importantly my Dad. He died. He died! How did that happen? He was meant to last for a few years yet! So a funeral to help arrange, a tribute to write … lots of 200 mile trips to Hereford. A funeral taking place in a crowded chapel in sunshine.

So now I am sitting here propped up on cushions surrounded by stuff. My heart aches. My body is in pain – my back has never been good and the rest of my body has decided to follow suit. I feel a bit lonely. I realise that I am still hurting, still in pain from a failed relationship. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount I have to get done by Friday morning. I am feeling a little sad about leaving this house which holds so many memories.

Reminding myself that this move is such a positive thing. I am continuing on my journey – this is a huge step. It was never going to be easy. This move will mean a new life for me and for my girls. A new life on which I can take time to meditate, help others and be a better mum.

So I have to take a deep breath and keep going!

Doing my best

These two weeks are tough. Trying to come to terms with my Dad’s death, arranging his funeral with my brother, trying to support my mum. A few 200 mile trips to Hereford. And moving house at the same time. I must admit to being beyond tired. In among all of that have been the days I have actually got to work – look at data, answer emails and go to meetings. Sleep isn’t really happening – well not enough of it anyway. I just want some “normal”.

I am constantly reminding myself that my house sale is a good thing! It may be stressful at the moment but it is the doorway to a different way of living. So I must remember that this is a new positive beginning.

In many ways I am handling it all “ok” – much better than I would have done before I found Buddhism – the three jewels have helped me tremendously. I have been able to feel the emotion of it all more than I would have done in the past whilst still handling it. I have been a better support to Mum I think. And to my girls who loved their Grandad.

My friends – both Buddhist and otherwise have been amazingly supportive. One looking after Pretzel even though she can be a bit of a pain (cute but still a pain!). Another helping me with loads of tip runs. This practical support has made it all possible. Hugs / emails / texts / sympathy cards all help me to feel loved and cared about. One lovely lovely friend cooked me dinner and we just talked. Many friends have offered practical help which may well be taken up!

So yes I am handling it. It shows me that I have moved at least a little way in my quest to become more Tee. I know that I could help myself more – be more skillful in my actions. More meditation would be better than the few glasses of wine to which I have succumbed. I could be eating more healthily. But I have to accept that I am not perfect – far from it!

These two weeks will pass. They are just a moment in time. I just have to take each moment as it comes and try to act as skillfully as possible.

Minimalism

Every item is useful and brings me joy.

I have been watching “Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things” on Netflix. A very timely viewing experience!

I have been decluttering. Getting rid of things so that I can move from a three bedroomed house into a caravan with ease and tranquility. It will be quite a large caravan admittedly. But it will contain all that I own. And there will be three of us living there plus a dog, two cats and a hamster. I found the first trawl through the house relatively easy. It is a joy to rid myself of things that have not seen the light of day for years or have just been sitting on a shelf unloved and unappreciated. I enjoy giving items to friends or donating them to charity shops because they will be used. I am looking forward to having a space which is clutter free and attractive to the eye. A calm space. A space which houses beautiful, joyful and useful things.

However – I am getting to the tough part now. The part where real decisions have to be made. To the part where I have to be a little bit ruthless. How many pairs of jeans do I NEED? I am making the decision to have 10 books (I have a kindle) – 5 are chosen; how do I make a decision about the rest? How many plates, glasses, saucepans? What do I do with my pictures which are precious to me but difficult to hang in a caravan which has less wall space anyway? What about that ornament that was a present from a friend?

Sometimes (but not very often and only for a few seconds), I wonder why I am doing it. The caravan will be quite big. The caravan will have storage space. There can be a few things out on the sides. However, I know that it is important to do this. I do not need all of those things to feel happy. A calm, tranquil place with space and clutter free will make me feel more at peace. I do not want to continue to be attached to things. I feel that minimalism fits well with Buddhism. It’s about living mindfully. Not having and buying lots of things just for the sake of it, just to feel (temporarily) happy. It’s about being free to live a more meaningful and ethical life. It doesn’t mean that I cannot live comfortably. It doesn’t mean that I cannot have lovely, beautiful things. I want my home to be comfortable to live in and to visit. I want to make my home beautiful and pleasing to the eye. It just means that I will try not to have more than I need to be and feel comfortable.

So I will continue making the difficult decisions knowing that, in the end, they will be relatively simple.

Movement on the house selling front..

After a couple of viewings and a price negotiation, I have accepted an offer on my house. The relief is immense but it is coupled with the knowledge that nothing is in the bag yet and that the next few weeks will be busy and full of waiting. The need for patience will be great – and I think you now have an inkling of just how good I am at that. I have done all that I can for now – I have instructed a solicitor (who sounded very human and approachable on the phone! He does come highly recommended). And I look forward (not) to having a pile of forms to complete.

As well as that – I have to start seriously sorting my life out. I am completely downsizing – as in a static caravan downsizing. Everything that I own will need to fit in that caravan (without the caravan seeming to be cluttered in any way) or in a small shed which I believe that I can have on my plot. There will be no storage facilities in my future. All of my furniture will have to go except for one very precious dressing table which will need to be kept safe. My Great Grandfather built it. He was a woodwork teacher, I believe. One of those teachers who was allowed to (and apparently frequently did) throw the board rubber at naughty students. I noticed the dressing table in my Grandad’s house when we were moving him out to a flat in my late teens. It was in poor condition but my Dad did it up for me and I have had it ever since. Not sure if it will fit in the van but it may. If not I will need to find it a home – maybe with my girls. Apart from furniture there is a heap of other stuff to go. Books ( I am allowing myself 10 as I have a kindle); DVDs (I will watch and store online); clothes (will need to cut down by half at least); kitchenware and so it goes on. There will be several trips to the charity shop and the local tip over the next few weeks I am sure.

It is now very tempting to start living in the future…. But I must remember to live in the present. Things can still go wrong, get held up or not happen at all. It will take a couple of months at least to go through – although having no chain will help considerably! Just (just lol) one buyer to buy one house. In the meantime life goes on for me and my girls.

Patience and living in the present

House selling

Getting a house ready for a viewing is an interesting experience. All the general clutter has already gone. The house actually feels much lighter, a much better place to love in. As I said to a friend this morning, why didn’t I do this years ago?

But this morning I was walking round the house trying to see it through a stranger’s eyes. I saw the good parts – and there are lots of them. Big kitchen, good sized low maintenance garden, good size bedrooms. It looks like a place which can be lived in quite happily. But I also saw the “faults”, those bits which I would have changed years ago if I had the money.

What would a stranger see? I am pleased that I would not be in the house when the viewers are shown around.

And now it’s a waiting game. I hate waiting games. I am not good at not being in control. Please house – sell soon!