Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold.  I am in a curious state of limbo.  So much hinges on the sale of my house.  It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale.  My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all.  I am trying to be patient.  I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future.  But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week.  It has been a mixture of highs and lows.  I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment.  I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me.  On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre.   I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write.  So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well.  At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship.  I know this to be true.  Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed.  Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away.  There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt.  And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little.  But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted.  Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path.  My route has felt a little dangerous lately.  I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall.  There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over.  At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good.  I am happier, content.  I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me.  I just have to stay patient and focused.