Nothing is guaranteed in life. Nothing is certain. Just because something is planned, it doesn’t mean that it will happen. Nothing reminds me of that more than a sudden sickness bug which cancels all my plans, work and normal life for a couple of days. It’s not serious. It’s a couple of days. But it’s hard not to be annoyed, upset and infuriated by it. I should be out on a Pretzel walk now but feel a bit too queasy. To allow myself to be annoyed or upset by this is the infamous second arrow. The first arrow is the illness – inflicted by something outside of my control. If I don’t just accept that first arrow with equanimity, I send in a second, self inflicted arrow which seems to do much more damage. Dukkha (suffering, unsatisfactoriness) is caused by that second arrow.
One of my lovely ordained friends – when he makes plans – always says “all being well”. Some of us have taken to doing this “I will go to Hereford this weekend, all being well”. “I will meet you for coffee, all being well”. It is a recognition that I might want it to happen but it may not.
So this is the second day of feeling very nauseous. I have chosen not to send in the second arrow. I have chosen to try to just accept it as what it is. And it allows me permission to stop and rest. And anyway Pretzel is perfectly happy curled up on my bed.
So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.
And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.
Her ears looked so funny this morning!
Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.
I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.
This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.
The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.
And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.
I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx
I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.
