Thinking positive

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Sometimes I feel a big urge to write but have no subject!! Nothing comes to mind but I feel like writing. Most of the time I resist this strange compulsion but have decided to go with it this time.

I must admit to feeling a little sad this morning. I think I am losing someone I love and care for. I can feel the connection slipping away.  But today, I’m not going to write about what is going wrong. It gets boring to write about and must be tedious to read. I haven’t many of you reading this blog – I can’t afford to bore you!

So what is going right? Some people – clever, sensible, mindful people – make lists of 3 / 5 things that they are grateful for every day. Or, they list what went well. Doing this every day helps to rewire the brain – what you think you become.

So today – 5 positives in no particular order.

  • Beautiful skies on this morning’s walk
  • Pretzel has a friend – Harley- who we see every morning. His owner and I are making plans for them to play together – play date !!!
  • Lovely Buddhist meeting last night. Met a young woman from Switzerland who is just visiting Eastbourne for a couple of days. She had such terrific energy and kindness. She found out about the meeting and decided to come along despite the fact that it would only be the once. Really inspiring.
  • Looking forward to my first retreat at the weekend
  • My parents are together, safe and cared for.

As I was writing the 5, I realised that I have more…  There are so many positives.  And that friendship I mentioned at the beginning of this post?  Relationships / friendships ebb and flow.  Who knows what will happen?  I just have to be open to the possibilities.

So I found something to write about !

The sun will always rise… This morning’s Pretzel walk

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The alarm went off far to early this morning.  I hadn’t had a great night’s sleep and I just did not want to get out of bed.  My back and joints had done their usual thing of seizing up over night so I knew that I was in for some pain until my body had loosened up.  Mechanically, like a robot in mind and body, I went through my  morning routine until I came to the point where Pretzel had her lead on and I was ready to go for our walk.

I so nearly did not step out of the door this morning.  I felt all of the strong winds battering me and I just wanted to take shelter.  But habit took over and off we went.

The first part of my walk was not enjoyable – and it was totally my fault!  The weather was lovely, the moon was still shining and Pretzel was happy to be out for once (she is not a big fan of early morning winter walks).  But I was feeling very sorry for myself – those pesky worldly winds were getting just too much.  I let myself list all  of the things that I felt were “going wrong”.  I let myself dwell on the pain in my back, shoulders and legs.  The list kept getting longer and longer…  Then I came out of my head a little and looked up.  The moon was still out – it was beautiful.  Obviously, my first thought was a negative one – wishing I had a decent camera so that I could capture it’s beauty!  You and I will just have to put up with my substandard iPhone snap!  But then something switched in my brain.  At my Dharma study last night I had been talking about responding to situations rather than responding… thinking skillfully.  So I went back through my long list of woes and considered if there was anything that can be done about them.  I came up with one or two things to do which I filed away for later.  But, for the most part, I have to leave them be and see what happens.  There is nothing to be done.

Just as I came to the end of my list, I heard the beeping of a car horn and turned to see a friend smiling and waving at me.  It was at that moment that my mood switched.  It was light bulb moment.  I realised in that moment that, yes – there is a lot going on.  People I love are suffering.  My back still hurt!  etc etc.  But – there is a lot that is right in my life.  My friends – so many friends who care about me and check in on me.  I remembered  all of the cards and presents I received on the day of my Mitra Ceremony and for my birthday.  I reflected on the messages of love and support that I have been receiving.   I thought about the lovely, beautiful women at my Dharma study last night.  And – I am doing what I can to change what isn’t positive in my life.  I am doing all that I can at the moment- some things just have to play out as they will.

I turned the corner and was confronted by the sun – cue for another bad picture (cannot always blame the iPhone!  I am just not good at taking photos!).  The sun will always rise.  Whatever is going on in my life…  the sun will always rise.  The carousel continues to turn.  Life is not satisfactory – The first Noble Truth of Buddhism – The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering.  If we base our state of mind, our happiness on the changeable world we will be unhappy a lot of the time!   My journey to becoming more Tee is helping me to see the truth of suffering and to loosen my grasping, my craving for life to be different.

So I returned home feeling positive and ready to face the day.  Those winds are still blowing as they were when I awoke this morning. But, at least for now,  I am navigating my way through them a little better.

The Four Noble Truths:

  1. The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering.  We always want things to be different 
  2. The truth of the origin of Dukkha – craving, grasping.  The way that we look for satisfaction actually causes us more suffering
  3. Dukkha can be overcome.  We can go beyond suffering and dissatisfaction
  4. We can follow a progressive path of spiritual development that affects every aspect of how we live our lives.  We will then no longer build our quest for happiness on getting short-lived pleasure.  If we have peace of mind we can weather any storm.

“You have the direction… now to find the steps”

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I have found myself in a state of confusion over the past few days.  Not able to reconcile the need to accept the suffering and even the death of a loved one with equanimity with the need not to become cold and unfeeling.  With the need to show others that I do care, I do love whilst still remaining calm and present.

Because of all of the stuff that has been going on, I have been reading and reflecting a lot on how to keep calm, live in the present moment and how to keep sailing a smooth path through loud, swirling winds.  As you can see from my last post, I have read Tolle’s “Power of Now”.  I have also had “Sailing the Worldly Winds” by Vajragupta recommended to me so I am reading that.  I have been bringing to mind the impermanence of everything including life; I have pondered on Dukkha – the general unsatisfactoriness of life.  Somehow I am standing in the middle of it all keeping calm (mostly) and letting things take their course.

But ….  But how do I do this and not turn back to the person I used to be?  How do I manage to keep in the present moment responding rather than reacting to my emotions without returning to the person who used to hide her emotions behind very strong walls?  How do I work my way through the seeming paradox of reacting skillfully, remembering that everything has an ending and caring deeply? How can I be present for those I love in their suffering and not appear to be disinterested and cold?  How do I continue to “become more Tee”?  How do I find this path?  What am I looking for?  A friend said that I “have the direction, now to find the steps”.

Yesterday evening, I went to my Buddhist Meeting as usual.  Every time I attend a Sangha meeting or meet up with friends from the Sangha I am struck by their calm, their sense of peace and the loving kindness / metta which flows from them.  As we meditated, talked over tea and listened to the talks, I realised that metta is the key to this seeming paradox.  I have not yet worked how but know that I am on the right path, taking the correct steps.   This may well be obvious to everyone else – I may just be very slow on the uptake!

I know that I need to reflect more on this.  I definitely need and intend to practise the Metta Bhavana Meditation.  In this practice we cultivate loving kindness beginning with ourselves and eventually spreading it out to all sentient beings.

“The teachings on love by the Buddha are clear, scientific and applicable… Love, compassion, joy and equanimity are the very nature of an enlightened person.  They are the four aspects of true love within ourselves and within everyone and everything”

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am not sure about this post…  I feel that I have not adequately explained what I feel and the dilemma I face.  I am not sure that I have described my small glimmer of light very well.  But I am going to post this anyway.  Things are not always straightforward.  Some things need to be pondered upon and thought through for a while so that they become less twisted and tangled.  In the writing and reflecting I will take a step or two forward.  I am sure that I will come to these reflections.

The Power of Now

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Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now

I have been listening to this as I have walked Pretzel and driven to meetings.  It is a book that I am pleased that I have listened to rather than read.  Listening to Eckhart Tolle’s words has made me concentrate on them and bring my whole self to them.  There are so many messages to reflect upon.   It is a book that I will need to keep coming back to.

I think that anyone who has been reading this blog will see that I am working to keep in the now, in the present; trying to prevent my thoughts from disappearing into the past or looking forward into an imagined future.  I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and where they are taking me.  Because of this awareness, I am sometimes able to step back from my thoughts and focus more on where I am now, in this minute.  There is only now.  Everything happens in the now.  Concentrating / obsessing on the past or future, even wishing life was different is a fruitless endeavour which just brings pain and suffering.

Tolle talks about the Pain Body.  The Pain Body is self-created and, once in existence, it wants to survive by any means possible.   It will survive by feeding on any negative emotions, situation.  It wants to cause or experience pain.   It will pretend to be me, take me over, lead me to repeating patterns that will cause me more pain so that it is fed and very much alive within me.  Since listening to Tolle talking about the Pain Body, I have reflected on mine.  I have seen that I have, unconsciously, been feeding it in the way that I have lived and the choices I have made.  Even looking back at the past, wishing it had been different feeds the pain making it deeper.  Fantasising about a fantastically happy future or worrying also feeds the pain.   “The moment you observe the pain body, feel its energy within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken”.

In previous posts, I have been reflecting on the fact that my life situation has not changed but my perception of it has.  Well – my life situation has changed!  In many ways it has got worse!  More suffering for myself and those who I love.  Tolle makes a distinction between one’s life and one’s life situation.  Things happen in life.  The fact of impermanence means that even happy situations will not last.  There will always be pain; pleasure will always be temporary.   To find peace, I need to work towards not being dependent upon life being a certain way.   I am trying to step back from situations, from my thoughts about them.  As a result I feel much more positive, more at peace with what is and where I am.

I have also been reflecting on Tolle’s thoughts on romantic love.  To the ego, loving and wanting are the same.  True love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or wanting someone to change.  The ego uses the other person to cover up feelings of discontentment.  In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering.  We crave what we cannot have, or what cannot last.  Attachment is the usual basis of romantic relationships.  We often attach our personal happiness to one person.  It is difficult, as you may appreciate, to comment too much on my thinking and learning about attachment in romantic relationships as others are involved.  However, I can say that recent experience has shown me that my relationships now (both romantic and others) have much less to do with attachment than in the past.  Please – do not for a minute think that I am 100% there!  Obviously not.  But now, those people I love and care for (romantically or otherwise,  I don’t want to change.  I don’t need to possess them.  I want them to be well and happy, at peace.  I can support them and love them by making sure that they know that I am here for them.

Tolle makes a distinction between clock time and psychological time.  Clock time is often required so that we can actually live in this world.   Time, however, is a construct.  We only ever live in the now.  There is never a time when life is not lived in the now.   But we become trapped into bringing the past and the future into the present so that we step out of the present.  Negativity is caused by psychological time and denial of the present moment.  Fear, anxiety, etc are caused by thinking of the future; Sadness, regret, guilt arises from devotion to the past.  It seems impossible to me at the moment to live totally in the present.  I can feel my mind forcing its way into my consciousness and thinking about what has been or what could be.   But – I have got better at accepting the present, accepting what is.  Not longing for or fearing the future.  Not looking back with sadness or nostalgia.  I am learning – very slowly – to feel gratitude for what is happening right now; to be aware of my emotions and thoughts right now.   

“If you make a mistake in the past and learn from it now, you are using clock time.  On the other hand, if you dwell on it mentally, and self-criticism, remorse or guilt come up, then you are making the mistake into “me” and “mine”: You make it part of your sense of self, and it has become psychological time, which is always linked to a false sense of identity“

 

Friendship

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Kalyana Mitrata – spiritual friendship. 

“Friendship is integral to the spiritual life” (Sangharakshita)

I have just started reading a book called “Buddhism and Friendship” by Subhuti.  I have not read very far into it yet.  However, it starts with a conversation between the Buddha and a monk called Ananda.  In this conversation, the Buddha says that spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life.

Last night I went to some friends for dinner. I had the most lovely of evenings. All 5 of us are Buddhists – 3 ordained and 2 of us mitras. The other mitra is working towards ordination. The food was delicious – homemade vegan gorgeousness.  The hosts are not vegan but went to great lengths to ensure that the food they served was vegan (for me) and sugar (unrefined that is) free for their other guest.  But it was the conversation and the love in the room which made the evening.  Real true conversation full of love, insight, compassion and laughter.

“In the case of spiritual friendship, we share our experience of the Dharma itself.  We share our enthusiasm, our inspiration, and our understanding.  We even share our mistakes.”

(Sangharakshita)

 

Dog walk thoughts …

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Was thinking about my mitra ceremony on my Pretzel walk this morning. I was in a bit of pain from my back and joints (stress and cold,damp weather do not help them) so was trying to distract myself. I found myself smiling over the candle fiasco. I remembered the way in which everyone laughed with me and celebrated when I finally got my candle alight. It made me think about how things in my life often don’t go as I think they will. Something comes along to threaten the imagined perfection of the eagerly awaited event. But I always get through. Often I get through on my own but this time I had a whole community of friends with me supporting me.

Life does not always turn out as was expected / hoped / wished for. But with the example of the Buddha, his teachings and the Sangha I can make it through and become a better person in the process. I just have to keep remembering this.

Becoming a Mitra

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I am writing this just as I am getting ready to go to my Mitra Ceremony. I am looking forward to making the public declaration that I am a Buddhist. That I am practising the Dharma. That I want to be a Buddhist within the Triratna community. I look forward to declaring this within the Eastbourne Sangha.

There is one person who I wish could be with me this evening to witness this. The man who introduced me to all of this in the first place. He changed my life. He showed me the path which I now walk. So I would have liked him with me this evening. But he has wished me well and will be thinking of me.

After the ceremony

What an amazing, inspirational, beautiful, magical evening. I felt surrounded by love and support. A lovely friend who has been with me throughout my Buddhist journey surprised me by coming along. People stood up and said such lovely things about me – about my conviction, my energy. They called me a warrior and one praised me for my courage. We did a three stage Metta Bhavana meditation- and the second stage was centred on me. The tears threatened to flow.

I was right to be nervous about the candles ! I ended up putting all of the candles out trying to light mine! Then someone went in search of the lighter .. which somehow didn’t work! Fortunately someone had come armed with a lighter … It was fine – everyone was laughing and it didn’t take away from the occasion. It certainly made for an unique mitra ceremony!  It could only happen to me.

I have so many cards and presents – the cards have such touching thoughtful messages.  I also have the flowers from the shrine.

So I am now a Mitra. It feels such an important step. I feel energised. I have the tools to keep going forward in my life. I have a lovely set of friends who are always there for me and me for them. I am part of a beautiful community.  I still have everything going on in my life.  I have many challenges to face and life is not always satisfactory – there is much suffering.  People who I love dearly are suffering.  The situation I am in hasn’t got any better!  In fact, it has got significantly worse over the last couple of weeks.  But the way that I deal with it and the way in which I approach it has changed.

I asked for a poem to be read at my ceremony which sums it all up wonderfully.  Someone commented that this poem was perfect for me.  That I walked into the Sangha with a mission, a purpose.

THE JOURNEY BY MARY OLIVER

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

After 52 years …

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My mum had a stroke in November 2017. It left her with no use of her left side. But she has fought! She is determined not to let it beat her. In August 2018 she had a fall – broke her hip. Did she let it stop her? Did she let it all beat her? No – not at all. She carried on fighting.

My Dad – her husband of 52 years was at her side. He was her carer – no one else was good enough. She needs 24 hour care – and he gave it to her. He encouraged her and looked after her. He grew more and more tired – he wasn’t well himself but kept going.

My mum and dad have a relationship that I can only dream of. They love and cherish each other still after all of these years.

Now Dad is in hospital seriously ill. And he is still fighting. Still worried about mum above himself. My mum has lost her carer so has to go into a home. They have lived in their home for 51 years. And still they love each other and support each other. They seem to draw strength from each other. Neither has given up.

Such sad days. But such inspirational days.

I haven’t always understood the life my parents have lived. They don’t understand mine. We argue. We are such different people. But I must admit I am slightly jealous of their relationship. In each other they found the one. Their relationship withstands obstacles and the passage of time. Last night my mum said how lucky she is to have had my dad and to still have him. No more needs to be said.