Ah the joy of being with the lovely women at my Dharma training course this evening. The care with which they treated me. The hugs they freely gave. Their listening ears.
Chanting the refuges and precepts, listening to the lovely poems, one especially chosen for me, the short but powerful meditation .., these all acted like a lovely cool balm.
And talking about spiritual friendships and the importance of the Sangha. Discussing, reflecting… sharing thoughts and experiences.
A lovely calm beautiful evening in the midst of the stress and sadness of this time.
So much is happening right now. I have so much to do. My brain is having to work overtime to keep track and get it all done in a timely manner. I have an A3 piece of paper with my schedule over the next two weeks mapped out with brightly coloured sharpies. This is the 3rd piece of A3 as life keeps changing. The other two sheets torn up and placed in the recycling bin.
Some of what I have to do is unbearably sad. So heartbreaking. It marks an ending. But a lot of what I have to do is incredibly positive. The beginning of a new life for me. Endings and beginnings coming together on a sheet of A3.
As I carry out my tasks, I am constantly reminded of the truths of life. The impermanence of everything. The suffering inherent in human life. The inevitability of death. But this time is also showing me the strength and compassion of which human beings are capable. My mum’s strength and courage – her determination to remember the joy that Dad brought to her life. The compassion and practical help given to her by her many friends. She is part of a community – a Christian community centred around a small Baptist church in the Herefordshire countryside. They are looking after her and making everything just a little easier for her. She has other friends as well who are all helping her in this sad time.
Now back to the A3 sheet of paper to point me to what I have to do next!
On my 4 hour drive to Hereford today I was listening to podcasts. I have really got into listening to podcasts rather than music when I walk or drive. I find that they keep me interested and keep me more in the present than music does. Music makes me remember thus to live in the past or to daydream / fantasise which means living in a ridiculously unobtainable future.
Towards the end of what seemed like a very long journey, I started to listen to Free Buddhist Audio. This is a tremendous resource packed full of talks by very knowledgable and spiritual Buddhists from the Triratna Community. I only heard the first part of this one but what I heard reassured me. Padmavajra talked of the need to have purpose, hope and energy. Buddhists are not meant to be passive but active. Virya paramita = the perfection of energy. I need to develop a sense of calm and peace but energy is a good thing, a positive thing. I am always struggling to reconcile living in the present with a direction, goal, purpose.
I haven’t listened to all of this podcast yet but will probably do so on the journey back tomorrow!
The truth of life is that everyone will die. That’s the one thing we have that we can be sure of. Yet – when it looks like it will happen soon – the pain and sadness is so great and it comes as a shock even though all the signs are there.
My Dad is growing weaker. But he has accepted this. His wish is to leave this world peacefully – so we are doing all we can to make that happen. That’s all that we can do.
Nothing is guaranteed in life. Nothing is certain. Just because something is planned, it doesn’t mean that it will happen. Nothing reminds me of that more than a sudden sickness bug which cancels all my plans, work and normal life for a couple of days. It’s not serious. It’s a couple of days. But it’s hard not to be annoyed, upset and infuriated by it. I should be out on a Pretzel walk now but feel a bit too queasy. To allow myself to be annoyed or upset by this is the infamous second arrow. The first arrow is the illness – inflicted by something outside of my control. If I don’t just accept that first arrow with equanimity, I send in a second, self inflicted arrow which seems to do much more damage. Dukkha (suffering, unsatisfactoriness) is caused by that second arrow.
One of my lovely ordained friends – when he makes plans – always says “all being well”. Some of us have taken to doing this “I will go to Hereford this weekend, all being well”. “I will meet you for coffee, all being well”. It is a recognition that I might want it to happen but it may not.
So this is the second day of feeling very nauseous. I have chosen not to send in the second arrow. I have chosen to try to just accept it as what it is. And it allows me permission to stop and rest. And anyway Pretzel is perfectly happy curled up on my bed.
I have been watching “Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things” on Netflix. A very timely viewing experience!
I have been decluttering. Getting rid of things so that I can move from a three bedroomed house into a caravan with ease and tranquility. It will be quite a large caravan admittedly. But it will contain all that I own. And there will be three of us living there plus a dog, two cats and a hamster. I found the first trawl through the house relatively easy. It is a joy to rid myself of things that have not seen the light of day for years or have just been sitting on a shelf unloved and unappreciated. I enjoy giving items to friends or donating them to charity shops because they will be used. I am looking forward to having a space which is clutter free and attractive to the eye. A calm space. A space which houses beautiful, joyful and useful things.
However – I am getting to the tough part now. The part where real decisions have to be made. To the part where I have to be a little bit ruthless. How many pairs of jeans do I NEED? I am making the decision to have 10 books (I have a kindle) – 5 are chosen; how do I make a decision about the rest? How many plates, glasses, saucepans? What do I do with my pictures which are precious to me but difficult to hang in a caravan which has less wall space anyway? What about that ornament that was a present from a friend?
Sometimes (but not very often and only for a few seconds), I wonder why I am doing it. The caravan will be quite big. The caravan will have storage space. There can be a few things out on the sides. However, I know that it is important to do this. I do not need all of those things to feel happy. A calm, tranquil place with space and clutter free will make me feel more at peace. I do not want to continue to be attached to things. I feel that minimalism fits well with Buddhism. It’s about living mindfully. Not having and buying lots of things just for the sake of it, just to feel (temporarily) happy. It’s about being free to live a more meaningful and ethical life. It doesn’t mean that I cannot live comfortably. It doesn’t mean that I cannot have lovely, beautiful things. I want my home to be comfortable to live in and to visit. I want to make my home beautiful and pleasing to the eye. It just means that I will try not to have more than I need to be and feel comfortable.
So I will continue making the difficult decisions knowing that, in the end, they will be relatively simple.
I had such a lovely day yesterday. Going into Brighton with my girls – was so wonderful to see them laugh and smile. I saw their pictures of their afternoon later – they had much needed fun. They went off to do their own thing whilst I met up with a friend.
My friend – a new friend. I hope that I will continue to get to know her and that she will be in my life for a long long while. A warm, beautiful, courageous, intelligent woman. She makes me think. She makes me laugh. I can’t imagine ever being bored in her company.
Then just a simple evening – Chinese and a film with two people with whom I feel so comfortable. Two women who I have known for ages – both with their own problems but still they care. Still they laugh. Still they continue to move forward.
Bohemian Rhapsody brought back so many memories of my teens and twenties. I remembered the deep depressing so frightening emergence of aids. The homophobia. But I also remembered the joy that Queen brought to so many people’s lives. Live Aid – never to be forgotten.
And last but definitely not least. My Dad had a consultant’s appointment yesterday. My brother went with him. After the scare he gave us ( a few days to live) all looks just a bit more hopeful. We never know what will happen but it looks like he has got more time. More time just to relax and just be with my Mum without the responsibility of being her 24 hour carer.
So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.
And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.
Her ears looked so funny this morning!
Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.
I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.
This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.
The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.
And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.
I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx
I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.
The poem below was read at the beginning of a meditation in the Shrine Room on the retreat I went to at the weekend. It made such utter sense to me! It summed up my life so perfectly. Talking with others, it made sense to them too. Some felt that they were still walking down the same path and falling down the hole whilst others felt that, at least, they were climbing out more quickly.
There needs to be several things in place to be able to choose to walk down another path. There has to be the recognition that we keep choosing the same path which leads us to the the same place, to fall down the same hole, to make the same mistakes over and over. We must have the knowledge that we can do more than just skirting around the hole; to know that the same problems will continue to arise for as long as we continue down the same route, travel the same course. We must understand that there is another way even if it is hidden by social convention, our ignorance, our fears. We must have the courage to take another path. We have to be aware that there will be people, things, events that we will leave behind on the old path. Most people will stay where they are. Things will look different on the new path, a lot of them will not be of any use or will be an hindrance. New events / outcomes will result from taking a new way. We must want to take the new path enough to look for it and learn how to navigate it. We may even have to create some of that path for ourselves; it might not yet fully exist. Most of all we must have the courage to take this new path, to walk where we have never even considered walking before, to walk away from what is known, to face the fear of the new.
“We can ask ourselves how much we have given up because of fear? How have we tried to protect ourselves from all that is threatening to who we believe ourselves to be, from all that is outside whatever small comfort zone we’ve created for ourselves? How has it felt to live in this degree of defendedness? Everything we long for is beyond the wall of fear”
(Kathleen Dowling Singh)
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I came back from my first retreat earlier today, a few hours ago. The world outside of the retreat centre seems loud and busy; I feel a little disoriented. It was a life changing weekend in which I fully realised my path.
This morning – just after I got out of bed – I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:
I am writing this through the period of silence which started last night after the beautiful Puja and is carrying on through this morning’s meditation until breakfast. My back hurts, my hand can hardly hold the pen but I am deeply content and happy. Not happy in the euphoric, roller coaster, worldly sense, but in the way of being at peace.
There are so many things I can write about this weekend – the people, the shrine room (which still makes me gasp even though I have spent quite some time in it now), the beauty of Rivendell itself… My deepening sense of belonging in this Buddhist world. I could talk about how blessed I feel to have been introduced to this community and how joyous it has made me to feel useful to others. This is an introductory retreat so people are new to Buddhism. A few people have come up to me, given me a hug and told them how I have helped them over the weekend.
Three main thoughts:
I have felt a dissonance / disconnection between my need to stay calm and walk / sail my course through the onslaught of the worldly winds which batter and torment me and the need to feel love / compassion – metta. This weekend I feel the love. I feel compassion. I thought that I would spend some time reading but have not opened a book. I have recommended books to others but have put to one side the strongly intellectual part of me which always seems to take over. Not deliberately. It just happened that way. So instead I have been immersing myself in friendship, meditation, love, discussion, I can feel my love returning, It hadn’t gone away it had just got trapped as someone suggested to me. Saturday morning during a meditation I could feel tears running down my face. That was the breakthrough. I have felt a deepening love and friendship with those I already knew and have a connection with. I have made new friends and feel love for everyone here. My heart is connecting with the world again. The importance of Sangha.
I wanted to go on a couple of solitary retreats this year. May still do so. But I think that these group retreats will be much more beneficial to me for a while. I need to develop my connections and love for the Sangha. I grow through love, friendship and discussion. Solitary retreats hold a danger for me – that I will just revert solely to my intellectual self. My intellectual self is an important part of me but I need to work in my Sangha.
One day I will be ordained. I have an important role model in a very dear friend who gave a talk last night. I want to help others through this journey, along this path. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. Not yet. When the conditions are right.
I will need to reflect on this retreat over the coming days and weeks. I have already booked my next one.
