Sangha

Sangha Evening

Usually Sangha evenings are led by Order Members – those people with the Kesa around their neck with special spiritual names who have spent years in training. I am in training to be one of those ordained members but am nowhere near there yet. But this evening was led by a group of us Mitras. A Mitra is a term meaning “Friend”. Not all of us are planning to be ordained but we have all gone through a ceremony in which we say that we see ourselves as Buddhists in the Triratna tradition and pledge to follow the five precepts as well as we can.

I arrived at the Deerfold Centre tonight not in the best of moods. I wasn’t feeling well and I was having doubts about what I am doing (not in terms of Buddhism but in terms of work etc). There are a few things that are worrying me. If I wasn’t involved in the leading of the meeting, I might well have not gone this evening. I am so pleased that I did.

So this evening started as always with the Sangha Night Team which includes Order Members and Mitras setting up the shrine, meditation mats and chairs. We all do a check in before the rest arrive. So we checked in, I shared some of my worries and doubts – and was met with such love and kindness. By the time the evening started I was already feeling more balanced and at peace.

The two guys leading the first half were fantastic. One led the salutation of the Shrine and the Refuges and Precepts. These are difficult because they have to be timed just right and are in Pali! One led the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation – he had a difficult job because there were a couple of new people there this evening so it needed a proper introduction and commentary. Both did so well! A female Mitra led the second half giving a fabulous talk on Puja. Puja means worship. I have had difficulty connecting to Puja in the past – it is going beyond the intellectual and the emotional to the spiritual. We split into groups to discuss it further before I led the Worship and Salutation in call and response. One Mitra had the job of leading the mantra – he had been practising it all week. It has a rhythm and tune to it which has to be done precisely – he did it perfectly. I ended the evening leading the Transference of Merits. It was a first for us all but we had such great support from the Order Members and the rest of the Sangha.

It was a truly inspirational and beautiful evening which demonstrated perfectly the benefits of practising together. I left the evening feeling much more relaxed and less stressed about the decisions I have made and those which I will have to make. I left feeling supported and held. I feel so grateful that I was introduced to Buddhism and the Dharma (just over a year ago).

Tonight I saw more of the beauty of the Sangha

I have been thinking about this evening’s Sangha meeting all of the way home and then when I took Pretzel out for her evening walk. Trying to process it all – trying to push through the confusion, sense of shock and deep sadness that I felt, feel. I have no real understanding of how many of the people at the Sangha night were and are feeling. The shock, confusion and sorrow were plain to see on their faces and in their words but I cannot comprehend the depth.

An Order Member had taken her own life at the weekend. I had met her only briefly, once and not really to say more than “Hello”. For some of the people there tonight, she was a beloved friend of many years. They had been together in study groups, Going for Refuge groups and in Kula groups. They had shared so much.

The evening was devoted to her. A recent picture of her with her beloved dog was placed on the shrine. Many spoke of their memories of her. She seems to have been a remarkable woman – energetic, determined, so committed to the Dharma. She appears to have been very creative, imaginative. A woman with ideas flowing from her, a woman who saw things differently from others. Apparently she could be outspoken and forthright. One Order Member described how everyone always knew when she was in the room. I wish that I had known her – she seems to have been such an inspirational woman.

Those who knew her well looked after each other this evening, as they will continue to do for as long as is needed. They mostly sat together, sometimes touching each other, holding hands, sharing their memories of her. As one spoke, others nodded in agreement and, often, they smiled. One memory would lead to another.

Throughout the evening there was a distinct air of sadness, shock and confusion, as I have already said. Tears ran down the faces of many. This lovely woman had seemed to be excited about new projects; she had given no indication that this would happen. If anyone had noticed anything, she would have had their love and support to help her and cherish her. I know the process of becoming an Order Member is long and intensive. The would-be Order Member has to look deeply within her or himself; undergo counselling if needed. I am just at the start of this journey and know that I will have to go through a lot of soul-searching, delve deeply into my own story and resolve issues that I may have once preferred to keep buried. And those in the Sangha are so caring and supportive of each other. There are always opportunities to “check in” and say how things are feeling today, at this moment. It is so rare for an Order Member to take her / his own life – so rare. Which makes this so much more tragic, so much more confusing and so very sad.

The Sangha evening was filled with Metta. I could tell that even those people who had never met her were so touched by the memories of her. The love that these women and men have for each other shone through this evening.

As I sat this evening, joining in with the meditation, the chanting of the refuges and precepts, the threefold puja, the mantra, I realised a new love for this Sangha, for those people who are in the Sangha with me. I am in the Sangha. I feel its warmth and affection. The Sangha is one of the Three Jewels – one of the three refuges – one of the three “things” that I can trust to be there for me along with the Buddha and the Dharma. I feel so honoured, so fortunate to be part of this group of men and women.

A very sad yet beautiful evening. One that has touched me so deeply. I know that I will remember those couple of hours for a very long time, probably forever. I hope that, in time, this remarkable woman’s friends and family come to terms with what has happened to her and manage to achieve some peace.

To Karunabala – with metta

Garden Part Three

So last year I took a long hard look at my garden / my life. People I love were suffering and I felt quite powerless to help in any real way. I was in a job that I used to love but now felt wrong. I had to carry on working to pay the mortgage on a house that had served its purpose. I fell in love only for that relationship to break down in a way that I still cannot comprehend. I took a long look at the good aspects of my life – my girls who were / are turning into beautiful young women both inside and out; some wonderful friends. Some parts of my garden were lovely. But I had no sense of direction. I had no real sense of what I wanted my garden to look like. I could just see the years stretching out – I couldn’t see a goal. I couldn’t see a path. I had no plan of any sort.

But then I was introduced to Buddhism, the three jewels. Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. And a purpose, a direction for my life became clearer. I knew that I wanted my garden to be a place where others could rest, could find comfort, could relax and rebuild their lives. I wanted to live a life in service to others – to my family, my friends, to all beings. In order to do this I had to make big changes. I had to find a way to rebuild my garden. To establish firm foundations.

So I have a general idea of how I want my garden to look. What I want to achieve with it. Some things can be started immediately ( have been started) whilst others will take some time. In his talk Subhadassi discussed the importance of not rushing things. He gave an example of wanting to lay a path. But if you just jumped in and laid it without looking at the conditions and observing the area in different seasons, an ill sited path may flood in heavy rain. The importance of observing, taking time. But there has to be a balance – taking time cannot mean procrastination. It is the delicate balance between kshanti and virya – patience and energy.

So yes the foundations of my garden are in progress. I have made use of the good things that were already in place – as I have said, some parts of my garden were pleasing to the eye. And some things in my garden cannot be eradicated – the two firmly established blossom trees that have taken time and effort but provide such pleasure. Smaller bushes. Some of my garden brought and still brings great pleasure.

Learning to live the Dharma

I learn from reading. I have always learnt by reading. Books have been my source of knowledge for as long as I can remember. However, mixed into this has been those few, rare lucky times when I can discuss what I have been reading with others. This happened a lot at university in tutorials or with a friend who was doing the same courses. Also during my MA when I sent a few hours per week in tutorials. These discussions have always started with the text, the question and then have expanded to our lives and ways of living. Since then – until now – I have not had these opportunities. I had not realised how much I had missed the discussion and the potential for deeper personal growth.

Now I am fortunate enough to have found these opportunities for discussion again. With people from my Sangha – either at Sangha evenings or at my Dharma Training Course. And at retreats. Every so often I meet up with Buddhist friends and we discuss the Dharma. These discussions always deepen my understanding and lead me to thinking and acting more skillfully.

I am still reading – but I am finding that reading about learning to live the Dharma, learning to live more skillfully is not always as illuminating and inspirational as the discussions. A while ago I read Vajragupta’s “Buddhism: Tools for living your life” and am now reading Maitreyabandhu’s “The Journey Guide”. Both excellent books written by deeply spiritual knowledgable men. Both books are full of practical advice on advancing my Buddhist life – on moving forwards on my journey to become more Tee. But… (and this may just be me. I know of at least one person who found “Tools for living your life” very helpful) I do not find inspiration from them. I have read books on Buddhism which have been very inspirational – those by Sangharakshita, autobiographies and Vajragupta’s “Sailing the Worldly Winds”. But these two books ( and others) which set out tools, exercises to follow etc do not “do it for me”.

Yesterday evening at my regular Sangha evening I realised why. The evening was centred on speech – avoiding harsh, false, frivolous, slanderous speech. After our usual meditation, tea and biscuits there was a short presentation from an order member with his friend, another order member, chipping in. The presentation was informal but clear and incisive. It was filled with personal experience and humour. Afterwards we all started joining in with the discussion – there was a lot of deep thinking, practical examples, potential pitfalls and problems. And there was humour and laughter. This evening showed the joy that living the Dharma life can bring. The contentment. The sense of wonderment. As well as the difficulty of living this life especially in the world as it is now. This evening showed that my journey is not an easy one and will never be an easy one. That I will struggle, question why I am even trying to do it, fail – but it’s certainly not a miserable one. How can it be with those friends? How an it be with the Sangha? And I think that this is what can be missing from texts / books – at least for me.

I have another “issue” with Maitreyabandhu’s book too. Again a personal thing. Throughout the book he keeps talking about the importance of having the same gender spiritual friends. He mentions it several times. I know that I have friends who strongly agree with him and it is important to the Triratna tradition. But I cannot agree wholeheartedly with this view. I am developing strong spiritual friendships with some amazing women but I am also doing the same with some amazing men. I find that I gain so much from my friendship with the men in my Sangha.

Going forth

Last night I managed to get to a Sangha night for the first time in ages. It was a special night. We were celebrating the going forth of a dear friend. I haven’t known her that long but she is in my heart forever. She is the most wise, the most spiritual, the most caring person I have ever met. She is going on her three month ordination retreat in Spain. She is climbing a mountain- quite literally. She will come back with a different name; she will come back as the wonderful person she is but more so.

Ordination – such a beautiful and serious thing! Takes a lot of work, certainty and courage. I will do this one day. I am far from ready to go on the journey but I can start to prepare.

Go forth Alex. Go well. Sadhu

Doing my best

These two weeks are tough. Trying to come to terms with my Dad’s death, arranging his funeral with my brother, trying to support my mum. A few 200 mile trips to Hereford. And moving house at the same time. I must admit to being beyond tired. In among all of that have been the days I have actually got to work – look at data, answer emails and go to meetings. Sleep isn’t really happening – well not enough of it anyway. I just want some “normal”.

I am constantly reminding myself that my house sale is a good thing! It may be stressful at the moment but it is the doorway to a different way of living. So I must remember that this is a new positive beginning.

In many ways I am handling it all “ok” – much better than I would have done before I found Buddhism – the three jewels have helped me tremendously. I have been able to feel the emotion of it all more than I would have done in the past whilst still handling it. I have been a better support to Mum I think. And to my girls who loved their Grandad.

My friends – both Buddhist and otherwise have been amazingly supportive. One looking after Pretzel even though she can be a bit of a pain (cute but still a pain!). Another helping me with loads of tip runs. This practical support has made it all possible. Hugs / emails / texts / sympathy cards all help me to feel loved and cared about. One lovely lovely friend cooked me dinner and we just talked. Many friends have offered practical help which may well be taken up!

So yes I am handling it. It shows me that I have moved at least a little way in my quest to become more Tee. I know that I could help myself more – be more skillful in my actions. More meditation would be better than the few glasses of wine to which I have succumbed. I could be eating more healthily. But I have to accept that I am not perfect – far from it!

These two weeks will pass. They are just a moment in time. I just have to take each moment as it comes and try to act as skillfully as possible.

Ah the joy of being with the lovely women at my Dharma training course this evening. The care with which they treated me. The hugs they freely gave. Their listening ears.

Chanting the refuges and precepts, listening to the lovely poems, one especially chosen for me, the short but powerful meditation .., these all acted like a lovely cool balm.

And talking about spiritual friendships and the importance of the Sangha. Discussing, reflecting… sharing thoughts and experiences.

A lovely calm beautiful evening in the midst of the stress and sadness of this time.

All being well…

So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.

And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.

Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.

I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.

This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.

The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.

And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.

I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx

I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.

My first retreat

I came back from my first retreat earlier today, a few hours ago. The world outside of the retreat centre seems loud and busy; I feel a little disoriented. It was a life changing weekend in which I fully realised my path.

This morning – just after I got out of bed – I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:

I am writing this through the period of silence which started last night after the beautiful Puja and is carrying on through this morning’s meditation until breakfast. My back hurts, my hand can hardly hold the pen but I am deeply content and happy. Not happy in the euphoric, roller coaster, worldly sense, but in the way of being at peace.

There are so many things I can write about this weekend – the people, the shrine room (which still makes me gasp even though I have spent quite some time in it now), the beauty of Rivendell itself… My deepening sense of belonging in this Buddhist world. I could talk about how blessed I feel to have been introduced to this community and how joyous it has made me to feel useful to others. This is an introductory retreat so people are new to Buddhism. A few people have come up to me, given me a hug and told them how I have helped them over the weekend.

Three main thoughts:

I have felt a dissonance / disconnection between my need to stay calm and walk / sail my course through the onslaught of the worldly winds which batter and torment me and the need to feel love / compassion – metta. This weekend I feel the love. I feel compassion. I thought that I would spend some time reading but have not opened a book. I have recommended books to others but have put to one side the strongly intellectual part of me which always seems to take over. Not deliberately. It just happened that way. So instead I have been immersing myself in friendship, meditation, love, discussion, I can feel my love returning, It hadn’t gone away it had just got trapped as someone suggested to me. Saturday morning during a meditation I could feel tears running down my face. That was the breakthrough. I have felt a deepening love and friendship with those I already knew and have a connection with. I have made new friends and feel love for everyone here. My heart is connecting with the world again. The importance of Sangha.
I wanted to go on a couple of solitary retreats this year. May still do so. But I think that these group retreats will be much more beneficial to me for a while. I need to develop my connections and love for the Sangha. I grow through love, friendship and discussion. Solitary retreats hold a danger for me – that I will just revert solely to my intellectual self. My intellectual self is an important part of me but I need to work in my Sangha.
One day I will be ordained. I have an important role model in a very dear friend who gave a talk last night. I want to help others through this journey, along this path. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. Not yet. When the conditions are right.

I will need to reflect on this retreat over the coming days and weeks. I have already booked my next one.

Friendship

Kalyana Mitrata – spiritual friendship.

“Friendship is integral to the spiritual life” (Sangharakshita)

I have just started reading a book called “Buddhism and Friendship” by Subhuti. I have not read very far into it yet. However, it starts with a conversation between the Buddha and a monk called Ananda. In this conversation, the Buddha says that spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life.

Last night I went to some friends for dinner. I had the most lovely of evenings. All 5 of us are Buddhists – 3 ordained and 2 of us mitras. The other mitra is working towards ordination. The food was delicious – homemade vegan gorgeousness. The hosts are not vegan but went to great lengths to ensure that the food they served was vegan (for me) and sugar (unrefined that is) free for their other guest. But it was the conversation and the love in the room which made the evening. Real true conversation full of love, insight, compassion and laughter.

“In the case of spiritual friendship, we share our experience of the Dharma itself. We share our enthusiasm, our inspiration, and our understanding. We even share our mistakes.”

(Sangharakshita)