Journey – Page 2 – Becoming more Tee

Garden Part Three — OOPS I mean Garden Part Four

I am going to talk about my actual garden – well the plot on which my caravan stands. In thinking through plans for this garden, I can see how all of the decisions, planning and action can be applied to my life.

I had a plan for my garden. I wanted a large decking area which could be accessed directly from the caravan door. I wanted a fence around it with a gate so that my little Pretzel dog could not escape every time I attempted to exit the caravan. I wanted comfortable garden furniture, some plants and lots of twinkling fairy lights. I wanted the trees and shrubs around the plot to stay with minimal pruning. I know that they shade the garden quite heavily but I love the colour, the rich greenery, the birds and the squirrels. I wanted one side to stay as the parking area and for the rest to be gradually filled with plants, bird tables and a bird bath. That was the plan. It was a solid plan. It took into account the Park rules, the conditions of the plot, the needs of my escapee dog and my likes / dislikes.

So I started with the most expensive, biggest part of the plan – the decking. And that is there. The decking has furniture, lights, a lovely calm Buddha and flowers. It is there. I am so pleased with it. I am quite surprised as to how dirty it gets – but it is cream after all. I can live with that. The day has to be very hot for me to be able to sit outside because it is very shaded but – again – that is ok! After all I have jumpers and blankets. I love my decking. I love the twinkling lights and my calm Buddha statue. All is good.

But … as so often in life – I think that I have to change my plan for the rest of the garden. My circumstances have changed beyond my control and so I have to alter my plans to allow for them. Basically the garden I wanted to create would mean some hard work. Lots of digging and planting. It would also require lots of maintenance. And all of that is a problem for me now. My joints and back are conspiring against me to the point where I can barely lift a kettle half full of water let alone dig a garden. I do not yet have a diagnosis but I cannot believe that this will all suddenly go away!. So I have to be accepting that I may not be able to have exactly the garden that I want. I have to admit to being disappointed. I must admit to having sulked quite a bit! But I have to look at what is possible and work with that. I can still have the trees, the birds and the squirrels but will have to come up with a less high maintenance plan for the garden itself. And this is what happens in life isn’t it? We have dreams, aspirations and plans but we do not know for sure that they will be possible. It is good to have a plan – but we cannot get too firmly attached to that plan. We do not know what is going to happen. We cannot take anything for granted. So I need to stop and reconsider. And it may be that my garden will end up even better than I originally wanted.

Garden Part Three

So last year I took a long hard look at my garden / my life. People I love were suffering and I felt quite powerless to help in any real way. I was in a job that I used to love but now felt wrong. I had to carry on working to pay the mortgage on a house that had served its purpose. I fell in love only for that relationship to break down in a way that I still cannot comprehend. I took a long look at the good aspects of my life – my girls who were / are turning into beautiful young women both inside and out; some wonderful friends. Some parts of my garden were lovely. But I had no sense of direction. I had no real sense of what I wanted my garden to look like. I could just see the years stretching out – I couldn’t see a goal. I couldn’t see a path. I had no plan of any sort.

But then I was introduced to Buddhism, the three jewels. Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. And a purpose, a direction for my life became clearer. I knew that I wanted my garden to be a place where others could rest, could find comfort, could relax and rebuild their lives. I wanted to live a life in service to others – to my family, my friends, to all beings. In order to do this I had to make big changes. I had to find a way to rebuild my garden. To establish firm foundations.

So I have a general idea of how I want my garden to look. What I want to achieve with it. Some things can be started immediately ( have been started) whilst others will take some time. In his talk Subhadassi discussed the importance of not rushing things. He gave an example of wanting to lay a path. But if you just jumped in and laid it without looking at the conditions and observing the area in different seasons, an ill sited path may flood in heavy rain. The importance of observing, taking time. But there has to be a balance – taking time cannot mean procrastination. It is the delicate balance between kshanti and virya – patience and energy.

So yes the foundations of my garden are in progress. I have made use of the good things that were already in place – as I have said, some parts of my garden were pleasing to the eye. And some things in my garden cannot be eradicated – the two firmly established blossom trees that have taken time and effort but provide such pleasure. Smaller bushes. Some of my garden brought and still brings great pleasure.

Garden – Part Two

I guess that, in some ways, it doesn’t really matter if the garden is new to me or if I have always been in it. The point is that there is a garden and I am in charge of it. But I think that the garden is my life and how I choose to live my life is reflected in the garden in all of its aspects. So this has always been my garden. I like to think of this garden as a large, sprawling kind of garden with lots of different parts. Full shade in some areas, sunny during a lot of the day in others. Boggy, heavy, clay like soil leading to the overgrown pond but drier soil under the trees. A garden in which there is room to grow, to explore the potential. A garden which could, if properly looked after, provide quiet spaces for contemplation and rest; spots for nature watching, vegetable plots etc etc. A garden which shows previous attempts to tame it, to make it a beautiful place to be. Maybe a beautiful tree that continues to flourish, or some flowers that bloom year after year. Maybe I have put some effort (of the right kind) into some parts of the garden …. but not so much in others. Overgrown flower beds, uneven and broken paths are in evidence. Maybe an old potting shed or two.

So there came a point last year when I stopped and took a proper look at my garden. How was it doing? Was it full of beauty or at least functional? And, as might be apparent, to anyone who has read at least some of this blog, I found that my garden / my life was entirely unsatisfactory in most of its aspects. Some parts of the garden were falling into neglect and disrepair. Some of the garden looked quite pretty on the surface but these were small flowerbeds filled with temporary, garish annuals. Other parts of the garden were functional – these parts “did the job” but were not pleasurable to be in or to look at.

It was time to take stock and decide what I wanted my garden to look like. What I wanted my life to look like.

My mind map.. It started off so tidy and pretty! But I leave it on the table and add to it whenever I have another idea!

So – there we have it – part two of the garden metaphor. I am sorry if I am boring you with it but I am quite enjoying writing it. It is making me use my brain, to think more imaginatively – something that I have not done in a long time!

No giving up

Well that was a week! Hospital tests involving starvation, potions and cameras going where cameras are definitely not wanted! But I was looked after well in the hospital. The staff were wonderful. Thank you NHS. A few things were found – but, as expected, nothing to explain my joint pain. So more tests I expect!

This week is also the start of a restructure at work. It’s not going to affect me I admit but it will affect some dear friends, wonderful colleagues and families in East Sussex. There will be lots of changes to the lives of many people – changes that they do not want in a lot of cases.

In the midst of all this I am starting to live again. To feel like me again – even to make a little progress in becoming more Tee. I am finding ways to manage the pain, and to structure my life around it. Morning meditation, for example requires a hot water bottle! There are things I can’t do – I cannot take my little Pretzel on a lot of long walks, I cannot drive 200 miles to see my Mum. But there is a lot I can do if I just try, push myself a little and believe that things are possible.

Back to the subject of friendship which I know I talk about a lot in this blog. I am so blessed to have some lovely friends. Those who check up on me, take me to and from hospital, invite me to dinner. The friend who reminded me of Mara – the demon who attacked and tempted the Buddha with everything he had. The Buddha sat still in peace and openness. And the words, arrows, weapons and pain drifted away from him as soft petals. And during this notice period I am realising how many friends I have made during my time with Children’s Centres. I must try to keep in touch with them.

My pets – they help! Well most of the time. They can be a pain admittedly especially when they want food NOW. But my cats – JD and Smirnoff are good for cuddles and very entertaining to watch as they play. Pretzel – also very cuddly and fun to be with.

I still feel sorry for myself at times. Who doesn’t? But it’s ok. Suffering is intrinsic to human life. And things could be an awful lot worse! There are also a lot of things to be thankful for.

And – This too shall pass.

So no giving up! Acceptance of what cannot be changed; taking action where it will be helpful. Trying to attain the perfect blend of Kshanti and Virya – patience and energy.

What do we do when life is “out to get us”?

Mornings are difficult at the moment. This is sad because I am, naturally, a morning person. I am used to getting out of bed, getting dressed and taking Pretzel for a 5k walk. I would come back ready to face the day…

But now I cannot do that. For some reason – yet to be explained – my body is letting me down. During the night it seizes up and, by morning, I am in pain. Neck, shoulders, back, hands and fingers, legs, knees, feet – all locked. Getting out of bed takes a while!! During the day the pain is always there… I cannot use my hands properly, walk totally upright or turn my head… but mornings are the worst.

I try very hard not to let it get me down. I am trying to do something about it – going through loads of tests. I am about to start investigating possible food allergies. I am trying to stretch, keep moving, use painkillers. But I am getting grumpy. I feel angry that I have come through a lot of stress, done a lot to change my life – just for this to happen. It is very tempting to just be totally grumpy, to feel sorry for myself and to give up. And sometimes I do just for a little while (especially first thing in the morning).

But I’m not giving up. There are things I can do about it – find out what is wrong. See if I have some intolerances to food. Try to keep calm. Try to keep living my life. Keep using the hot water bottle on my joints. Keep meditating. Ask friends for help when I need it (I am so bad at that). And remember that “this too shall pass”.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or anything. There are a lot of people out there, reading this who are a lot worse off than me. I am writing this because it is part of my journey. And this blog was never intended to be just about the good bits. This is how it is at the moment. And I can choose how to deal with it. First thing in the morning my actions and thoughts are not skilful – but I am trying and some mornings I manage to face calmly (SOME). I am trying to keep my sense of humour.

Life always involves some element of suffering. And, sometimes, the suffering threatens to take over. I allow myself to be bad tempered. I spend a lot of time apologising to people and pets. But I have choices about how to deal with it all. And life is better when I face and live it skilfully.

This too shall pass!

Learning to live the Dharma

I learn from reading. I have always learnt by reading. Books have been my source of knowledge for as long as I can remember. However, mixed into this has been those few, rare lucky times when I can discuss what I have been reading with others. This happened a lot at university in tutorials or with a friend who was doing the same courses. Also during my MA when I sent a few hours per week in tutorials. These discussions have always started with the text, the question and then have expanded to our lives and ways of living. Since then – until now – I have not had these opportunities. I had not realised how much I had missed the discussion and the potential for deeper personal growth.

Now I am fortunate enough to have found these opportunities for discussion again. With people from my Sangha – either at Sangha evenings or at my Dharma Training Course. And at retreats. Every so often I meet up with Buddhist friends and we discuss the Dharma. These discussions always deepen my understanding and lead me to thinking and acting more skillfully.

I am still reading – but I am finding that reading about learning to live the Dharma, learning to live more skillfully is not always as illuminating and inspirational as the discussions. A while ago I read Vajragupta’s “Buddhism: Tools for living your life” and am now reading Maitreyabandhu’s “The Journey Guide”. Both excellent books written by deeply spiritual knowledgable men. Both books are full of practical advice on advancing my Buddhist life – on moving forwards on my journey to become more Tee. But… (and this may just be me. I know of at least one person who found “Tools for living your life” very helpful) I do not find inspiration from them. I have read books on Buddhism which have been very inspirational – those by Sangharakshita, autobiographies and Vajragupta’s “Sailing the Worldly Winds”. But these two books ( and others) which set out tools, exercises to follow etc do not “do it for me”.

Yesterday evening at my regular Sangha evening I realised why. The evening was centred on speech – avoiding harsh, false, frivolous, slanderous speech. After our usual meditation, tea and biscuits there was a short presentation from an order member with his friend, another order member, chipping in. The presentation was informal but clear and incisive. It was filled with personal experience and humour. Afterwards we all started joining in with the discussion – there was a lot of deep thinking, practical examples, potential pitfalls and problems. And there was humour and laughter. This evening showed the joy that living the Dharma life can bring. The contentment. The sense of wonderment. As well as the difficulty of living this life especially in the world as it is now. This evening showed that my journey is not an easy one and will never be an easy one. That I will struggle, question why I am even trying to do it, fail – but it’s certainly not a miserable one. How can it be with those friends? How an it be with the Sangha? And I think that this is what can be missing from texts / books – at least for me.

I have another “issue” with Maitreyabandhu’s book too. Again a personal thing. Throughout the book he keeps talking about the importance of having the same gender spiritual friends. He mentions it several times. I know that I have friends who strongly agree with him and it is important to the Triratna tradition. But I cannot agree wholeheartedly with this view. I am developing strong spiritual friendships with some amazing women but I am also doing the same with some amazing men. I find that I gain so much from my friendship with the men in my Sangha.

At last a little normality and space

I saw a woodpecker today – feeding on the suet balls that someone had hung on a tree outside my caravan. I didn’t believe it at first but he kept coming back. It’s hard to explain or even know why this made me so happy and excited. The last time I saw one was years ago when I lived in the country – four woodpeckers – mum, dad and two babies – pecking at the grass. And then there was a squirrel 🐿 hanging upside down trying to get at the feeders. Of course, I have seen plenty of these in the last few years at the park. Was still exciting to see it from my settee though! I wouldn’t even have noticed these things a few days ago!

Concentrating on my work properly today – catching up on emails and ticking a couple of things off my to do list. Arranging long over due meetings. And a trip around the supermarket with my daughter – doing a proper shop; a planned shop. Not just a supermarket dash type affair for a few random things. A leisurely shower. Managing to read a chapter of a book without falling asleep.

I feel as if I am slowly escaping the stress of the past few weeks. I am still tired. I still ache. The bruise on my ribs from where I fell off off the chair I was standing on is still in evidence – and hurts. But I have experienced some normal.

And I love this life. The caravan needs some tweaks (decking outside to prevent a very naughty, speedy little Pretzel from escaping, a bigger fridge freezer, better beds for my girls…) but it is home. My daughters still need chance to get used to it – the smallness of the bedrooms and the eccentricities of the shower.

So I can see a few more days adjusting, trying to catch up on sleep and then I can continue my journey properly. Of course, this has all been part of my journey but now I can be more intentional again.

The joys of normality and space.

Moving in..

Well I am here! After a very stressful few days of clearing my house I have moved to my caravan.

I am surrounded by boxes and bags. There is definitely too much stuff here! Because of unexpected trips to Hereford, I could not do the number of charity shop and tip runs that I had hoped for. I cannot work our how to operate the oven: my bathroom light isn’t working and I have very confused pets.

But I love my caravan. I think that I will be very happy here. And doing this has allowed me to hand in my notice at work… a start of a new life.

This couple of weeks have been so stressful and hard. My Dad. His funeral. Trips to Hereford. Packing up a house. I am so grateful to my friends who have helped me. Also those from my Sangha who have been there for me. I have been boring on the subject I am sure but people have been there ready to help me in whatever way they could. It is times like this when you learn who are truly your friends. Some could do nothing practically but contacted me most days to make sure that I was ok. This meant so much.

So a step on my journey! A giant step after such a horrible 16 months.

Podcasts

On my 4 hour drive to Hereford today I was listening to podcasts. I have really got into listening to podcasts rather than music when I walk or drive. I find that they keep me interested and keep me more in the present than music does. Music makes me remember thus to live in the past or to daydream / fantasise which means living in a ridiculously unobtainable future.

Today I listened to a couple of podcasts by The Minimalists. Ryan and Joshua. Two very intelligent guys who definitely think creatively about life and are not just about decluttering and getting rid of stuff. https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-minimalists-podcast/id1069757084?mt=2&i=1000429698510

Towards the end of what seemed like a very long journey, I started to listen to Free Buddhist Audio. This is a tremendous resource packed full of talks by very knowledgable and spiritual Buddhists from the Triratna Community. I only heard the first part of this one but what I heard reassured me. Padmavajra talked of the need to have purpose, hope and energy. Buddhists are not meant to be passive but active. Virya paramita = the perfection of energy. I need to develop a sense of calm and peace but energy is a good thing, a positive thing. I am always struggling to reconcile living in the present with a direction, goal, purpose.

I haven’t listened to all of this podcast yet but will probably do so on the journey back tomorrow!

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/free-buddhist-audio-community-podcasts/id75081757?mt=2&i=1000431410884

All being well…

So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.

And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.

Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.

I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.

This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.

The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.

And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.

I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx

I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.