Tag: Friendship

Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold.  I am in a curious state of limbo.  So much hinges on the sale of my house.  It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale.  My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all.  I am trying to be patient.  I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future.  But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week.  It has been a mixture of highs and lows.  I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment.  I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me.  On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre.   I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write.  So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well.  At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship.  I know this to be true.  Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed.  Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away.  There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt.  And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little.  But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted.  Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path.  My route has felt a little dangerous lately.  I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall.  There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over.  At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good.  I am happier, content.  I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me.  I just have to stay patient and focused.

New Year – Endings and beginnings…

 

Last night I went to my usual Buddhist meeting.  Actually – it was a slight departure from the usual programme.  We have had a different couple of weeks as we did the alternative Boxing Day and the alternative New Year.  Not many attended Boxing Day – there were 7 of us.  There were more last night – but many were new.  It was lovely to meet this group of young, obviously very spiritual people and to meditate and talk with them.  I don’t know if they will attend again – but am hopeful that they will.  I did have mixed feelings though – which I am thinking about and exploring…  They somehow changed the dynamic of the group – not necessarily for the worse but it felt different.

We did the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation.  I must admit I struggled last night – my mind would have been in place but my body did not agree!  My back is suffering from all of the lifting and decorating that I have been doing.. and my arthritis hates this weather.  I stupidly chose to sit on the floor rather than admit defeat and choose a chair. So I was a little fidgety and in pain for most of it… Lesson learned (I hope!).  My mind did feel clearer afterwards though so it cannot have been all bad – I am reminded that even a “poor” meditation is better than none at all.

During the tea break I caught up with a couple of women from my Dharma Study Group.  I love these women.  They are so different from each other – and from me!  One is calm and peaceful; the other lively and passionate.  The warmth and love that they (and others in the Sangha) show towards me and towards everyone is incredible…  I am starting to truly appreciate the value of spiritual friends and to the Eastbourne Triratna Sanga.

Afterwards we sat and talked about the end of one year and the beginning of the next, of endings and beginnings,  of opportunity…  We thought about what we wanted to leave behind, what we wanted to keep with us and what we were looking for in the future.   And it came to me… What I wanted to leave behind was the weight of expectation.  I wanted to feel more free to lead my life as it should be led rather than as I think other people expect.  I want to be more free so that I can be of more service, more help and more caring to others – to those I love and to society in general.  I want to be more free so that I can travel, read and walk.  I want to feel alive.

For the past few years I have felt trapped inside a life that I don’t really want.  I feel as if I have not got enough time and energy available for my daughters.  I felt as if there was nothing that I could do about it… Until a few months ago when a chance meeting led to me seeing so many possibilities.  It is not too late to change how I live; it is not to late to live a more positive, spiritual life.  It is not too late as long as I am brave enough to take the chance.  Actually – not to “take” the chance but to make the chances – to make the changes happen.

So here I go.  I am moving the obstacles, clearing the path.  I am filling in pot holes and building bridges. Wading through streams and swimming across rivers.  Some of my path exists; I just have to uncover it.  A lot of my path I have to construct myself.

How excited am I about this journey?!! 

 

Alternative Boxing Day

This evening I went to a Buddhist meeting. This meeting happens every Wednesday and is usually quite well attended. I would say about 20 / 25 people. It wasn’t going to happen today as it is Boxing Day and people tend to be busy. But it did go ahead. 7 of us turned up. After the Metta Bhavana meditation we had tea then sat in a circle and just talked! Talked about change and what that meant as Buddhists. We talked about very personal things. We understood each other. We empathised. We laughed. It was an evening that I will always remember.

Then out of the blue…

something lovely happens…

So something good happens… At last!  Sometimes life feels full of sadness,mediocrity, boredom and drama so, when something good comes along, it is important to embrace it, live it and enjoy it.  It is crucial to live in the present moment, feel and savour every second because this immediate event will not last and it would be all to easy to allow its impermanence to spoil the joy.

And now, it is over.  And, of course, because life is as it is I want more.  I always want these moments to last longer, to repeat themselves more often.  It is “dukkha” – the suffering that occurs because everything in the ordinary, unenlightened life is ultimately unsatisfactory and changes, passes away.  So in these hours, days, weeks after the something magical and lovely, I have to be aware.  I have to be on guard against suffering unduly.  I have to be aware of my emotions, my tendency to be sad and regretful.  I have to stay calm and focussed, grateful that life offers these gems of happiness.

The problem with wonderful events is that life can become a roller coaster!  I have experienced this so often – especially over the past year.  I could have  ran down the flower edged grassy bank with glee resulting in a messy fall, crashing   in a heap at the bottom.  So I ran down that bank more mindfully, with more awareness. Remembering the importance of valuing and rejoicing in those lovely, gleeful, special events because they light up my life, my heart, my soul.  They show me that I can be happy, content and at peace.

So now I am keeping those wonderful hours alive in memories.  Not to live in the past but to help me through sadder days – to help me climb those hills, clamber over the jagged rocks.  Those few hours helped heal deep cuts and grazes caused by my recent crashes and falls.   And those magical hours have not left me empty!  They have left me with a deep, beautiful, loving, spiritual friendship which means the world to me.

So I continue to walk along my path holding onto the joy, peace and happiness I found.  I have had to clamber over a couple of rocks today but I have used these new tools to help me negotiate a safe path and climb over in one piece.