New Year – Endings and beginnings…

Last night I went to my usual Buddhist meeting.  Actually – it was a slight departure from the usual programme.  We have had a different couple of weeks as we did the alternative Boxing Day and the alternative New Year.  Not many attended Boxing Day – there were 7 of us.  There were more last night – but many were new.  It was lovely to meet this group of young, obviously very spiritual people and to meditate and talk with them.  I don’t know if they will attend again – but am hopeful that they will.  I did have mixed feelings though – which I am thinking about and exploring…  They somehow changed the dynamic of the group – not necessarily for the worse but it felt different.

We did the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation.  I must admit I struggled last night – my mind would have been in place but my body did not agree!  My back is suffering from all of the lifting and decorating that I have been doing.. and my arthritis hates this weather.  I stupidly chose to sit on the floor rather than admit defeat and choose a chair. So I was a little fidgety and in pain for most of it… Lesson learned (I hope!).  My mind did feel clearer afterwards though so it cannot have been all bad – I am reminded that even a “poor” meditation is better than none at all.

During the tea break I caught up with a couple of women from my Dharma Study Group.  I love these women.  They are so different from each other – and from me!  One is calm and peaceful; the other lively and passionate.  The warmth and love that they (and others in the Sangha) show towards me and towards everyone is incredible…  I am starting to truly appreciate the value of spiritual friends and to the Eastbourne Triratna Sanga.

Afterwards we sat and talked about the end of one year and the beginning of the next, of endings and beginnings,  of opportunity…  We thought about what we wanted to leave behind, what we wanted to keep with us and what we were looking for in the future.   And it came to me… What I wanted to leave behind was the weight of expectation.  I wanted to feel more free to lead my life as it should be led rather than as I think other people expect.  I want to be more free so that I can be of more service, more help and more caring to others – to those I love and to society in general.  I want to be more free so that I can travel, read and walk.  I want to feel alive.

For the past few years I have felt trapped inside a life that I don’t really want.  I feel as if I have not got enough time and energy available for my daughters.  I felt as if there was nothing that I could do about it… Until a few months ago when a chance meeting led to me seeing so many possibilities.  It is not too late to change how I live; it is not to late to live a more positive, spiritual life.  It is not too late as long as I am brave enough to take the chance.  Actually – not to “take” the chance but to make the chances – to make the changes happen.

So here I go.  I am moving the obstacles, clearing the path.  I am filling in pot holes and building bridges. Wading through streams and swimming across rivers.  Some of my path exists; I just have to uncover it.  A lot of my path I have to construct myself.

How excited am I about this journey?!!