I have a date for my Mitra Ceremony!

I feel that I am a Buddhist
I am trying to practise the five precepts
I feel that the Triratna Buddhist Community is the main context in which I want to deepen my practice

Mitra is a Sanskrit word meaning friend. Mitras are people who have made what is called a “provisional” commitment to practising the Dharma within the Triratna Buddhist Order. There is a special ceremony which takes place where the would-be mitra is making the three declarations listed above. The ceremony itself is a simple yet beautiful one. Unfortunately for someone as clumsy as me, it does have plenty of opportunities to drop things or set the place on fire. Please don’t let me set the shrine on fire! I will keep you posted on that one.

This will definitely be a landmark in my journey. It’s represents a commitment to my path

Do not let Mara and his host of Demons disturb your peace

So I had a down patch over the weekend. It didn’t last long. See previous post for details of my self inflicted angst. And yesterday I felt good and today I feel the same. Part of that is the realisation that my future is not preordained; my future does not have to be boring and pedantic. I can do things – have adventures. And now is not awful. Now is tough in many ways but it is not awful. Lots of now is good and positive.

So I have been following Instagram accounts showing camper van conversions and travel. I have stalked hikers/photographers who post pictures of mountains and beaches – beauty. I have read Ben Fogle’s book on climbing Everest (- few posts ago – and no I won’t be climbing Everest in this lifetime, maybe the next lol). And I am currently reading a book by an amazing woman Anna McNuff running her way across New Zealand… No I will not be doing that either! I am thinking camper van, New Zealand. I am thinking wild camping and hiking. I am thinking of travelling to the places where I have always wanted to go. For the first time in many years I can see that life can be fun again.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life with my daughters. They are lovely human beings and my relationship with them is slowly changing as they grow into these amazing young women. I love my dog, my cats. My house is comfortable and warm . I still have vivid memories of the joy of walking into it on the day I moved in. I have amazing friends who I love seeing for game evenings and cups of tea. i have my Buddhist group and the people there who have very quickly become very important to me. But I couldn’t see past this life. I couldn’t see past the day when my girls left to start their adventures. I thought that this is it! Me alone sitting in this house, working with data for the rest of my life. A very sad and pathetic picture! I just couldn’t see a way out. I felt trapped. I escaped from the cage for a little while last year when I had a period of time in which I had a plan, a journey. It was going to be glorious – but that wasn’t to be. (Note to self – don’t put my key to happiness in someone else’s pocket.)

Now I am allowing myself to enjoy my life as it is currently. Buddhist meetings and Dharma study. Pretzel walks. My girls. JD and Smirnoff cuddles. Seeing friends. And on selling my house my immediate future will be fun and challenging – I am imagining walking, photography and camping. And into the future more adventure and maybe do that PhD that I always wanted to do (did a year but had to stop cos of an extremely bad back – another story ). I am imagining time to read, study, learn more about and practice Buddhism skillfully.

It might seem as if I have huge mood swings constantly flying from sadness and depression up to happiness and excitement for the future. I guess that, in some ways, this has been true of me in the past. I don’t mean the extreme mood swings that some people get because of mental illness etc but there has often been noticeable shifts. I felt like I was on a roller coaster which I allowed to take me on great highs and then the lows. Now I try to keep my mood more stable, more positive. I appreciate the good times but try not to be too sad when they are over. I have recognised that my mood is more affected by my thoughts and reactions to my emotions than to outside influences / events. I now see that nothing is permanent so I try to enjoy and relish the good times and, when bad things happen, remember that all is impermanent. “This too shall pass“.

Last night I went to my Dharma Training Study Group where we were discussing the mythology around the life of Buddha. We looked at the story of Mara and his demons throwing stones, arrows and flames at the Buddha. But as they reached his aura of light they all turned into flowers and fell. The Buddha remained unmoved by the attack. One of the women at the group – a truly wise and spiritual woman – likened these stones, arrows and flames to our negative thoughts, people’s opinions and words of discouragement, less than positive outside influences. We have to learn to let them turn to flowers and fall before they have a chance to invade our peace.

Obviously I have not perfected this way of living, of being yet. Silly things still get me down and make me miserable or angry (or both). But I keep trying and, as a I try, I succeed more often.

I do recommend that you read the book by Anna McNuff. It’s one of the prime reading books on Amazon Prime

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/199976580X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_YMYrCb0G4AMMS

Feeling “ok” is enough

Last night was challenging. I had had a productive day – got things done. I had walked Pretzel and got in my steps. I’d been to Tesco, done some chores. I’d written a blog post. Someone had viewed my house. All seemed good. I was all set for an evening of Grace and Frankie, crochet, sparkling water and cuddles with Pretzel, JD and Smirnoff.

But then – out of nowhere – a huge wave of sadness and depression swept over me. I suddenly felt drained and tired. I remembered a particularly lovely night last week and mourned its passing. All of my optimism and positivity ran out of the door chased by dark terrible shadows. My evening of solitude switched from being a happy one to something sad. I don’t understand how that happened! No event occurred, there was no change in plans… the situation was the same but my thoughts and emotions changed in a ridiculous way.

So what did I do? Go with my first impulse and pop across to the shop for a bottle of wine? No – no I didn’t. I sat thinking about doing so for quite a while – I could almost taste the wine. But I resisted. Why didn’t I go for this option? Well my stubbornness helped – I had said that I was doing Dry January as a precursor to trying to stop drinking for good. Also I had already updated the App to say that I hadn’t had alcohol yesterday. And – I thought about this blog and how I wouldn’t want to say I had given in. I could have rang / messaged a friend who would have understood I think – but he has his own struggles and things to deal with. It would have been selfish and weak. Don’t get me wrong – often phoning a friend is the right thing to do. But this time – no. I knew that I could get myself out of it. Worrying a friend was not the kind thing to do.

So stubbornness and pride pulled me through to some extent. As did the knowledge that I have to stay strong for those people in my life who depend on me – my girls, my friends. But I was on my own so could have gone back to old unskillful ways of dealing with life just for last night without directly affecting others. Stubbornness, pride…

But there was something else. Something stronger and more positive. My journey, my path. Buddhism: “This too shall pass”; the fifth precept about not letting intoxicants cloud my mind; the idea that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Clear, skilful thinking got me through. I meditated for a while – just to clear my mind and reset. I had a shower. I refilled my glass of sparkling water and I pressed play on “Grace and Frankie”. Pretzel came and snuggled at my side. I retrieved my crochet.

I can’t say that I felt 100% better – but I felt ok. And sometimes “ok” is enough.

I could have come off my path, jumped over the edge and crawled into the dark cave. The cave would have sheltered me from my thoughts and feelings. But they would still have been there waiting for me to emerge. Instead I paused, thought about my options and made the decision to continue on my path.

Since last night a couple of things have happened. Not good things – events which serve as a reminder of how important it is for me to stay strong and present. Today is another difficult day in some ways but “This too shall pass”.

Someone asked me why I am writing this blog – more particularly why I am truthful about my struggles; why I don’t just talk about the good days. I write this blog because writing helps me. It helps me to give my thoughts and feelings some perspective. I put my blog online for many reasons. I like to write. I haven’t written much for years and this encourages me to keep writing and to improve. Another reason is to produce some sort of accountability – I have said I would do something so will try hard. It may be that my blog may help someone who is struggling – I might not have the answers for them but at least I may have things they can try or they can see that they are not alone. So I have to be truthful. Of course there are things I don’t write about because it involves others. I don’t write about my friends or my family in specific terms. But I want this blog to be authentic and to be truthful – so that means the good and the bad; the pretty and the ugly.

So last night I nearly crashed . But somehow held it together using my new, more skillful ways. Believe me that isn’t always the case. Next time I may not be successful – but this time I was. A reminder of my blog image – “what you think you become”.

Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold. I am in a curious state of limbo. So much hinges on the sale of my house. It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale. My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all. I am trying to be patient. I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future. But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week. It has been a mixture of highs and lows. I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment. I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me. On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre. I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write. So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well. At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship. I know this to be true. Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed. Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away. There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt. And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little. But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted. Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path. My route has felt a little dangerous lately. I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall. There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over. At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good. I am happier, content. I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me. I just have to stay patient and focused.

Thoughts for today

In my “about me” section I say that, for years, I haven’t had a path, a goal, any idea of where I want my life to go. Looking back I have never really had a path. I have been blown from one place to another with no real thought of where I was going, what journey I wanted to be on. Actually I haven’t “been blown from one place to another” – that sounds as if I had no agency, no say. What I should have said is that I have let myself be taken places by other people’s expectations, by my feelings for individual people and by my complete lack of a preferred route.

Over the last few months I have been busy formulating a route. Meeting that special man who I have mentioned before and who is in my bio, somehow started the process of freeing me from expectation and false prisons. That meeting and our subsequent friendship set me off on my Buddhist path which is now intrinsic to and woven into my life. My practice of Buddhism and my dissatisfaction with my current life have made me sit down and reevaluate where I am, where I am heading and where I want to be. Meditation, study and discussion with good friends have allowed me to see my life more clearly through the fog of everyday routines and the glare of painful experiences.

I now have a destination. Actually – no – not a destination – that is too confining and does not do justice to the journey. It is not all about the end point … I want to continue to strive to live in the present moment. I see a path, a journey which as I travel will bring me happiness, fulfillment. I can see that I want a life which is less dependent on money and material things; a life which is simple yet full. I want a life which allows me the time to read, study, walk, travel and live. I want a life which allows me to do things for myself, my girls, my friends, and others – to respond to the knowledge that every sentient being wants and deserves happiness. I want to explore. I want to feel alive.

There will be stops along the way. There will be obstacles, hills and mountains to climb. There will be holes to fall down. I am sure that I will have to fight my way through a few dark forests and tunnels. But I have a route to follow, a journey determined, shaped and carried out by me. It is a journey which is affected by my entire life and experiences but more particularly by the events of the past few months.

New Year – Endings and beginnings…

Last night I went to my usual Buddhist meeting. Actually – it was a slight departure from the usual programme. We have had a different couple of weeks as we did the alternative Boxing Day and the alternative New Year. Not many attended Boxing Day – there were 7 of us. There were more last night – but many were new. It was lovely to meet this group of young, obviously very spiritual people and to meditate and talk with them. I don’t know if they will attend again – but am hopeful that they will. I did have mixed feelings though – which I am thinking about and exploring… They somehow changed the dynamic of the group – not necessarily for the worse but it felt different.

We did the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation. I must admit I struggled last night – my mind would have been in place but my body did not agree! My back is suffering from all of the lifting and decorating that I have been doing.. and my arthritis hates this weather. I stupidly chose to sit on the floor rather than admit defeat and choose a chair. So I was a little fidgety and in pain for most of it… Lesson learned (I hope!). My mind did feel clearer afterwards though so it cannot have been all bad – I am reminded that even a “poor” meditation is better than none at all.

During the tea break I caught up with a couple of women from my Dharma Study Group. I love these women. They are so different from each other – and from me! One is calm and peaceful; the other lively and passionate. The warmth and love that they (and others in the Sangha) show towards me and towards everyone is incredible… I am starting to truly appreciate the value of spiritual friends and to the Eastbourne Triratna Sanga.

Afterwards we sat and talked about the end of one year and the beginning of the next, of endings and beginnings, of opportunity… We thought about what we wanted to leave behind, what we wanted to keep with us and what we were looking for in the future. And it came to me… What I wanted to leave behind was the weight of expectation. I wanted to feel more free to lead my life as it should be led rather than as I think other people expect. I want to be more free so that I can be of more service, more help and more caring to others – to those I love and to society in general. I want to be more free so that I can travel, read and walk. I want to feel alive.

For the past few years I have felt trapped inside a life that I don’t really want. I feel as if I have not got enough time and energy available for my daughters. I felt as if there was nothing that I could do about it… Until a few months ago when a chance meeting led to me seeing so many possibilities. It is not too late to change how I live; it is not to late to live a more positive, spiritual life. It is not too late as long as I am brave enough to take the chance. Actually – not to “take” the chance but to make the chances – to make the changes happen.

So here I go. I am moving the obstacles, clearing the path. I am filling in pot holes and building bridges. Wading through streams and swimming across rivers. Some of my path exists; I just have to uncover it. A lot of my path I have to construct myself.

How excited am I about this journey?!!

Looking forward to 2019

Goodbye 2018 / Welcome 2019

I tend to avoid New Year’s Eve parties. I have never really enjoyed them. But I see the point of them – saying goodbye to the year that is past and welcoming in the New Year. Some people don’t like the divide between one year and the next; they see it as a false construct or as a sign that another year has gone and that they are nearer death. Some see the making of New Year’s resolutions as pointless or as just being something else to worry about.

I have always looked back at the year that has passed and I do make resolutions for the year to come. I think it is a useful construct especially this year. It is the opportunity to look at where I am on my journey and consider what I can do better/ differently to travel in the right direction, enjoy the walk, take pleasure in the scenery. At the same time I am looking at where I am now… there is a lot of happiness in my life and there is sadness. I need to live in the present – to appreciate the now but in my “now” I can do things which will help my future and aid my happiness.

I have been listening to Tony Robbins podcast with Russell Brand this morning. They were discussing “Recovery” which I have written about before. It has been good to refresh my memory and increase my understanding of the Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps. One of the most useful ideas is the view that addictions can be anything – any behaviour that I really want to stop, that I feel uncomfortable about doing but somehow keep on with. This is alcohol but is also attachment to social media, TV, a particular person. Working through the 12 steps can help with these and any addictions.

Russell and Tony ascribe to the idea that we are entitled to be happy. We have to look at what we believe happiness to be though. True happiness is not short term pleasure – that is fleeting; impermanent. According to Tibetan Buddhism, the two main things we need to be happy are mindful awareness and loving compassion. Compassion / loving kindness / metta for ourselves and for other beings. These can be built by meditation through which we can overcome negative thoughts and habitual emotional responses – we can start to live from a calmer, more peaceful place.

So, in 2019, I will continue the journey which I started this year. I believe that I can change myself, change my thinking and that I am responsible for my own happiness. How I think and how I respond to my emotions will dictate my degree of happiness. I am walking the Buddhist path as best that I can. I have practical steps which I have started to take. I will practise the 5 precepts (see below), meditate and use Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps to help me rid myself of addictions / negative behaviour and to develop more skillful thinking and behaviours. Buddhism, the 12 steps see the goal as living a life that is compassionate, serving others. In the podcast this morning, Russell and Tony both described how helping others takes you outside of yourself and brings happiness.

I cannot expect the journey to be linear – there will be meandering, backward steps. But I shall remember what the words of a friend – “We practise the 5 precepts the best that we can; we are all practising. None of us is perfect”. What matters is that we try.

So 2018 has not been a great year in many ways. BUT it is the year in which I changed my path – started this journey. It is the year in which I got up off the floor and started moving. It is the year in which the walls which I had built up came tumbling down. It is the year in which I started to take control.

In 2019 I will continue my journey to become more Tee…

Happy New Year!

The Five Precepts

I undertake to abstain from taking life
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct
I undertake to abstain from false speech
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants/drink and drugs which cloud the mind

With deeds of loving-kindness, I purify my body
With open-handed generosity, I purify my body
With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body
With truthful communication, I purify my speech
With mindfulness clear and radiant, I purify my mind

New Year looming

So I have a plan. A dream that will progress me further on my journey. It will help my girls … it will help me progress on the Buddhist path. It’s a dream that is a plan. I am actually doing concrete things that will help it to come true.

In doing this I am trying to leave behind the sadness and heartache of 2018. 2018 brought moments of pure joy; pure happiness; fulfilment. There was a time when I had a future all there for me and for my girls … but it got taken away. I fought for that future with everything I had… but it was not to be. So now I am relying on myself. And this dream will happen. It will take place. I can see a future now.

Alternative Boxing Day

This evening I went to a Buddhist meeting. This meeting happens every Wednesday and is usually quite well attended. I would say about 20 / 25 people. It wasn’t going to happen today as it is Boxing Day and people tend to be busy. But it did go ahead. 7 of us turned up. After the Metta Bhavana meditation we had tea then sat in a circle and just talked! Talked about change and what that meant as Buddhists. We talked about very personal things. We understood each other. We empathised. We laughed. It was an evening that I will always remember.

Coming to the end of the year

The end of another year is approaching – and the start of the new. It is an artificial construct.. human made. And (together with all of the hype around Christmas) we have constructed a whole drama, story, legend around what the new year should mean. It’s often seen as an opportunity – the time to make resolutions, to decide to take new paths… What we are doing at midnight on 31st December seems to have taken on an extraordinary importance.

Most of the time, I find these human obstructs to be totally unhelpful. The Christmas thing – well that would be a whole “ranty” post to itself (it might well happen). But there is something about the New Year which I do find helpful… The idea that things can change… that I can make things change by resolving to do things differently.

Every year I make New Year Resolutions. I try to make them positive rather than saying what I won’t do. I did quite well on 2018’s. I made sure that they were SMART – (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound) so, yes, I did well. But were they challenging? Were they life-changing? I was unhappy with huge aspects of how I was living my life – did these resolutions aim to change that? On the whole – no they didn’t. They were easy, they were achievable – do Dry January…. drop that extra bit of weight… Take Pretzel to puppy training classes. These did not turn out to be life-changing for me – and they were never meant to be.

This year has been full of ups and downs (lots of downs). The dips in the road have seemed like craters. There have been great times – time spent in Snowdonia, a Moroccan holiday. There have been evenings spent with my girls, with friends… There has been great times but this year has taken its toll. I have loved and I have lost; people I love have been through trauma and distress; I have had to accept that there are things my body just cannot do any more (weights, running….). And there has been this feeling of being trapped in a place where I do not want to be… being a person that I do not want to be.

Fortunately, I did not totally break. I stumbled. I laid on the ground not wanting to move a few times… but I did not break – well not totally. I started on a journey in mid July which has been hard, with loads of twists and turns. The train I was on crashed. But the journey is sound. It is a journey which makes complete sense to me. It is not easy but it is do-able.

So, next year will see a continuation of my journey. I aim to become a Mitra early on in the new year – making my public declaration that I see myself as a Buddhist, am following the five precepts and see myself as belonging to the Triratna Community. I will be continuing to develop my practise of the Dharma.

I do not need a New Year tradition of resolutions and change to do this! It is a continuation. However, as I walked Pretzel yesterday morning I came to the realisation that I have to make changes. Changes that will help my continuing journey. Changes that I need to make in order to progress, to continue my journey. I have come to a junction and have to make decisions. I could continue walking the easier path which is familiar, even a little boring. Or I could push my way through forests, up hills and get to a path with a better view. I could accept the challenge of leading a better, more skilful life. I could carry on walking my current path with its familiar stresses and challenges until I am pushed off that path by others. I could let other people, circumstances dictate when I change my direction. Or I could make January 2019 the year in which I take control. When I give that push to becoming more Tee.

My resolutions for 2019 are SMART but they are challenging. They are not easy targets to meet. They are going to take work and determination. But I have a direction. I feel an energy that I haven’t felt in a while.