No words for this week

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Well it’s been a week… a week that I guess I knew would happen at some time but still managed to be a shock. A week in which my Dad has ended up seriously ill in hospital… a week in which I have had to find my mum a place in a care home. A week in which I sat in the sister’s office listening to news that I didn’t want to hear and then having to come home and tell my mum. I don’t know what will happen next … it’s all still very much a waiting game.

I’m not ready to start analysing my feelings. I have had to shut them away to some extent so that I can concentrate on helping my mum with her care and with the decisions that need to be made. I will have to save feeling for later.

There have been a few things which have struck me this week… the first is friendship. My parents have such caring and good friends who have been ringing and offering help all week. Some of them they have known for years. My parents are well loved. And my friends – one looking after Pretzel and my cats – oh and the hamster. Others texting sending their love. And one disappointing me I guess – but I have learnt not to push; not to take what isn’t freely given. And others I haven’t told because I don’t want to keep saying the words.

The staff on the ward have been wonderful. The NHS is much blamed and maligned but the nurses are amazingly caring people. And the consultant is doing the very best he can to give my dad the best hope possible. I also appreciate his honesty.

I have always been awe struck by how my dad has cared for my mum – putting her first and doing everything for her. This week as my brother and I have shared the caring doing it together and individually I have learnt just how tiring it can be. And my Dad must have felt unwell for a while but carried on regardless…

I have been surprised by how much I miss my home – my life. I miss my girls, my animals. I miss my cats curling up on my lap and my early morning Pretzel walks. I miss chatting with my girls. I missed going to the Buddhist meeting last night. I feel a strong sense of disconnection and a longing to be at home if only for a day or two. I guess I just want some “normal”. Some time where I’m not having to deal with wheelchairs and personal care; some time when I’m not having to help my mum make big decisions. Some time when I can start to process everything.

So this week has been about suffering. About the probable ending of a life my mum and dad had together. Impermanence. Sadness.

I have a date for my Mitra Ceremony!

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  • I feel that I am a Buddhist
  • I am trying to practise the five precepts
  • I feel that the Triratna Buddhist Community is the main context in which I want to deepen my practice

Mitra is a Sanskrit word meaning friend.  Mitras are people who have made what is called a “provisional” commitment to practising the Dharma within the Triratna Buddhist Order.  There is a special ceremony which takes place where the would-be mitra is making the three declarations listed above.  The ceremony itself is a simple yet beautiful one.  Unfortunately for someone as clumsy as me, it does have plenty of opportunities to drop things or set the place on fire.  Please don’t let me set the shrine on fire! I will keep you posted on that one.

This will definitely be a landmark in my journey. It’s represents a commitment to my path

 

Movement on the house selling front..

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After a couple of viewings and a price negotiation, I have accepted an offer on my house.  The relief is immense but it is coupled with the knowledge that nothing is in the bag yet and that the next few weeks will be busy and full of waiting.  The need for patience will be great – and I think you now have an inkling of just how good I am at that.  I have done all that I can for now – I have instructed a solicitor (who sounded very human and approachable on the phone! He does come highly recommended).  And I look forward (not) to having a pile of forms to complete.

As well as that – I have to start seriously sorting my life out.  I am completely downsizing – as in a static caravan downsizing.  Everything that I own will need to fit in that caravan (without the caravan seeming to be cluttered in any way) or in a small shed which I believe that I can have on my plot.  There will be no storage facilities in my future.  All of my furniture will have to go except for one very precious dressing table which will need to be kept safe.  My Great Grandfather built it.  He was a woodwork teacher, I believe.  One of those teachers who was allowed to (and apparently frequently did) throw the board rubber at naughty students.  I noticed the dressing table in my Grandad’s house when we were moving him out to a flat in my late teens.  It was in poor condition but my Dad did it up for me and I have had it ever since.  Not sure if it will fit in the van but it may.  If not I will need to find it a home – maybe with my girls.  Apart from furniture there is a heap of other stuff to go.  Books ( I am allowing myself 10 as I have a kindle); DVDs (I will watch and store online); clothes (will need to cut down by half at least); kitchenware and so it goes on.  There will be several trips to the charity shop and the local tip over the next few weeks I am sure.

It is now very tempting to start living in the future….  But I must remember to live in the present.  Things can still go wrong, get held up or not happen at all.  It will take a couple of months at least to go through – although having no chain will help considerably!  Just (just lol) one buyer to buy one house. In the meantime life goes on for me and my girls.

Patience and living in the present

Do not let Mara and his host of Demons disturb your peace

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So I had a down patch over the weekend. It didn’t last long. See previous post for details of my self inflicted angst. And yesterday I felt good and today I feel the same. Part of that is the realisation that my future is not preordained; my future does not have to be boring and pedantic. I can do things – have adventures. And now is not awful. Now is tough in many ways but it is not awful. Lots of now is good and positive.

So I have been following Instagram accounts showing camper van conversions and travel. I have stalked hikers/photographers who post pictures of mountains and beaches – beauty. I have read Ben Fogle’s book on climbing Everest (- few posts ago – and no I won’t be climbing Everest in this lifetime, maybe the next lol). And I am currently reading a book by an amazing woman Anna McNuff running her way across New Zealand… No I will not be doing that either!  I am thinking camper van, New Zealand. I am thinking wild camping and hiking.  I am thinking of travelling to the places where I have always wanted to go. For the first time in many years I can see that life can be fun again.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life with my daughters. They are lovely human beings and my relationship with them is slowly changing as they grow into these amazing young women. I love my dog, my cats. My house is comfortable and warm . I still have vivid memories of the joy of walking into it on the day I moved in. I have amazing friends who I love seeing for game evenings and cups of tea. i have my Buddhist group and the people there who have very quickly become very important to me.  But I couldn’t see past this life. I couldn’t see past the day when my girls left to start their adventures. I thought that this is it! Me alone sitting in this house, working with data for the rest of my life.  A very sad and pathetic picture!  I just couldn’t see a way out.  I felt trapped.  I escaped from the cage for a little while last year when I had a period of time in which I had a plan, a journey.  It was going to be glorious – but that wasn’t to be. (Note to self – don’t put my key to happiness in someone else’s pocket.)

Now I am allowing myself to enjoy my life as it is currently. Buddhist meetings and Dharma study. Pretzel walks. My girls. JD and Smirnoff cuddles. Seeing friends. And on selling my house my immediate future will be fun and challenging – I am imagining walking, photography and camping. And into the future more adventure and maybe do that PhD that I always wanted to do (did a year but had to stop cos of an extremely bad back – another story ). I am imagining time to read, study, learn more about and practice Buddhism skillfully.

It might seem as if I have huge mood swings constantly flying from sadness and depression up to happiness and excitement for the future. I guess that, in some ways, this has been true of me in the past. I don’t mean the extreme mood swings that some people get because of mental illness etc but there has often been noticeable shifts. I felt like I was on a roller coaster which I allowed to take me on great highs and then the lows.  Now I try to keep my mood more stable, more positive.  I appreciate the good times but try not to be too sad when they are over.  I have recognised that my mood is more affected by my thoughts and reactions to my emotions than to outside influences / events. I now see that nothing is permanent so I try to enjoy and relish the good times and, when bad things happen, remember that all is impermanent. “This too shall pass“.

Last night I went to my Dharma Training Study Group where we were discussing the mythology around the life of Buddha.  We looked at the story of Mara and his demons throwing stones, arrows and flames at the Buddha.  But as they reached his aura of light they all turned into flowers and fell.  The Buddha remained unmoved by the attack.  One of the women at the group – a truly wise and spiritual woman – likened these stones, arrows and flames to our negative thoughts, people’s opinions and words of discouragement, less than positive outside influences. We have to learn to let them turn to flowers and fall before they have a chance to invade our peace.

Obviously I have not perfected this way of living, of being yet.  Silly things still get me down and make me miserable or angry (or both).  But I keep trying and, as a I try, I succeed more often.

I do recommend that you read the book by Anna McNuff. It’s one of the prime reading books on Amazon Prime

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/199976580X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_YMYrCb0G4AMMS

Feeling “ok” is enough

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Last night was challenging. I had had a productive day – got things done. I had walked Pretzel and got in my steps. I’d been to Tesco, done some chores. I’d written a blog post. Someone had viewed my house. All seemed good. I was all set for an evening of Grace and Frankie, crochet, sparkling water and cuddles with Pretzel, JD and Smirnoff.

Skilful thinking needed

But then – out of nowhere – a huge wave of sadness and depression swept over me. I suddenly felt drained and tired. I remembered a particularly lovely night last week and mourned its passing. All of my optimism and positivity ran out of the door chased by dark terrible shadows. My evening of solitude switched from being a happy one to something sad. I don’t understand how that happened! No event occurred, there was no change in plans… the situation was the same but my thoughts and emotions changed in a ridiculous way.

So what did I do? Go with my first impulse and pop across to the shop for a bottle of wine? No – no I didn’t.  I sat thinking about doing so for quite a while – I could almost taste the wine.  But I resisted.  Why didn’t I go for this option? Well my stubbornness helped – I had said that I was doing Dry January as a precursor to trying to stop drinking for good. Also I had already updated the App to say that I hadn’t had alcohol yesterday. And – I thought about this blog and how I wouldn’t want to say I had given in. I could have rang / messaged a friend who would have understood I think – but he has his own struggles and things to deal with. It would have been selfish and weak.  Don’t get me wrong – often phoning a friend is the right thing to do.  But this time – no.  I knew that I could get myself out of it.  Worrying a friend was not the kind thing to do.

So stubbornness and pride pulled me through to some extent. As did the knowledge that I have to stay strong for those people in my life who depend on me – my girls, my friends. But I was on my own so could have gone back to old unskillful ways of dealing with life just for last night without directly affecting others. Stubbornness, pride…

But there was something else. Something stronger and more positive. My journey, my path. Buddhism: “This too shall pass”; the fifth precept about not letting intoxicants cloud my mind; the idea that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Clear, skilful thinking got me through. I meditated for a while – just to clear my mind and reset. I had a shower. I refilled my glass of sparkling water and I pressed play on “Grace and Frankie”. Pretzel came and snuggled at my side.  I retrieved my crochet.

I can’t say that I felt 100% better – but I felt ok. And sometimes “ok” is enough.

I could have come off my path, jumped over the edge and crawled into the dark cave. The cave would have sheltered me from my thoughts and feelings. But they would still have been there waiting for me to emerge. Instead I paused, thought about my options and made the decision to continue on my path.

Since last night a couple of things have happened. Not good things – events which serve as a reminder of how important it is for me to stay strong and present. Today is another difficult day in some ways but “This too shall pass”.

Someone asked me why I am writing this blog – more particularly why I am truthful about my struggles; why I don’t just talk about the good days. I write this blog because writing helps me. It helps me to give my thoughts and feelings some perspective. I put my blog online for many reasons. I like to write. I haven’t written much for years and this encourages me to keep writing and to improve. Another reason is to produce some sort of accountability – I have said I would do something so will try hard. It may be that my blog may help someone who is struggling – I might not have the answers for them but at least I may have things they can try or they can see that they are not alone. So I have to be truthful. Of course there are things I don’t write about because it involves others. I don’t write about my friends or my family in specific terms. But I want this blog to be authentic and to be truthful – so that means the good and the bad; the pretty and the ugly.

So last night I nearly crashed . But somehow held it together using my new, more skillful ways. Believe me that isn’t always the case.  Next time I may not be successful – but this time I was.   A reminder of my blog image – “what you think you become”.

Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

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Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold.  I am in a curious state of limbo.  So much hinges on the sale of my house.  It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale.  My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all.  I am trying to be patient.  I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future.  But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week.  It has been a mixture of highs and lows.  I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment.  I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me.  On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre.   I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write.  So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well.  At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship.  I know this to be true.  Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed.  Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away.  There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt.  And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little.  But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted.  Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path.  My route has felt a little dangerous lately.  I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall.  There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over.  At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good.  I am happier, content.  I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me.  I just have to stay patient and focused.

Ben Fogle – Up

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One of my heroes has to be Ben Fogle.  I admire his courage and his perseverance in tackling physically demanding challenges.  I am slightly jealous and in awe of the way in which he has built his career and life around his passion for travel and adventure.  I love his TV series on people who have managed to escape “normal life”, the rat race and are living differently.  So “Up” was definitely on my list of books to read.

I actually ended up getting it as my free audible book.  It was a different experience for me – listening to a book rather than reading it.  I listened whilst walking Pretzel on her daily / sometimes twice daily walks so finished it in a few days.

I enjoyed it.  I liked the fact that it was read by Ben and Marina – it brought something special to the account.  I was intrigued by his internal debates on being a good father whilst being true to himself.  His respect for his fellow climbers and for Victoria was evident throughout as was his love for his family.  I was interested in the process of climbing Everest.  The book portrayed a man who was very aware of his responsibilities towards others – sometimes overly so!  He seemed to think that other people – his father-in-law, Victoria – were his responsibility when in fact they had made the decision themselves to join the trip.  It showed someone who struggled at school but has managed to be successful despite that.  It showed someone who actually lives a very privileged middle class sort of life with lots of holidays to exotic places.  I think that his children are very fortunate to have Ben and Marina as parents.  They encourage physical activity and taking risks; they are able to travel and see a lot of the world.  Marina’s chapters were a definite asset to the book.  I liked her writing style and she came across as a very strong, likable woman obviously devoted to her family.

But – I was left feeling a little dissatisfied with “UP”.  Ben’s TV programmes always leave me wanting to know more.  He only seemed to scratch the surface of the monk’s solitary life and the nomadic life of the couple walking the world.  The TV programme on Everest felt the same so I was hoping that the book would go deeper.  I wanted to know more about the process, about the practice climbs.  I wanted to hear more about Victoria and her struggles – in some ways her experience would be more interesting than Ben’s.  I wanted to hear more about his life when he got home.  The book was a little repetitive.  Ben came back to the same topics (fatherhood v travel for example) many times without going any deeper, without developing his thoughts; using the same words and phrases.

I did enjoy this book and would recommend it.  I just felt that Ben could have gone deeper.  It is almost as if he needed to have someone there when he was writing to ask him searching questions, to make him think.

So now I need to listen to another audible book.  But I can only have one free one a month (I am taking advantage of the free Amazon Prime 3  month trial) and they look to be quite expensive.  Until next month I will have to continue to listen to Podcasts on my Pretzel walks.

House selling

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Getting a house ready for a viewing is an interesting experience. All the general clutter has already gone. The house actually feels much lighter, a much better place to love in. As I said to a friend this morning, why didn’t I do this years ago?

But this morning I was walking round the house trying to see it through a stranger’s eyes. I saw the good parts – and there are lots of them. Big kitchen, good sized low maintenance garden, good size bedrooms. It looks like a place which can be lived in quite happily. But I also saw the “faults”, those bits which I would have changed years ago if I had the money.

What would a stranger see? I am pleased that I would not be in the house when the viewers are shown around.

And now it’s a waiting game. I hate waiting games. I am not good at not being in control. Please house – sell soon!

Thoughts for today

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In my “about me” section I say that, for years, I haven’t had a path, a goal, any idea of where I want my life to go. Looking back I have never really had a path. I have been blown from one place to another with no real thought of where I was going, what journey I wanted to be on. Actually I haven’t “been blown from one place to another” – that sounds as if I had no agency, no say. What I should have said is that I have let myself be taken places by other people’s expectations, by my feelings for individual people and by my complete lack of a preferred route.

Over the last few months I have been busy formulating a route. Meeting that special man who I have mentioned before and who is in my bio, somehow started the process of freeing me from expectation and false prisons. That meeting and our subsequent friendship set me off on my Buddhist path which is now intrinsic to and woven into my life. My practice of Buddhism and my dissatisfaction with my current life have made me sit down and reevaluate where I am, where I am heading and where I want to be. Meditation, study and discussion with good friends have allowed me to see my life more clearly through the fog of everyday routines and the glare of painful experiences.

I now have a destination. Actually – no – not a destination – that is too confining and does not do justice to the journey. It is not all about the end point … I want to continue to strive to live in the present moment. I see a path, a journey which as I travel will bring me happiness, fulfillment.  I can see that I want a life which is less dependent on money and material things; a life which is simple yet full.  I want a life which allows me the time to read, study, walk, travel and live.  I want a life which allows me to do things for myself, my girls, my friends, and others – to respond to the knowledge that every sentient being wants and deserves happiness.  I want to explore.  I want to feel alive.

There will be stops along the way.  There will be obstacles, hills and mountains to climb.  There will be holes to fall down.  I am sure that I will have to fight my way through a few dark forests and tunnels.   But I have a route to follow, a journey determined, shaped and carried out by me. It is a journey which is affected by my entire life and experiences but more particularly by the events of the past few months.

 

 

And it now feels real…

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So I have done it – my house is on the market.  It is happening!  After a completely insane Christmas and New Year clearing and decorating, my house is finally on the market.  It did not seem very real until I came home at lunchtime and there was the For Sale sign in my garden.

It’s exciting.  I have taken the first step in moving towards a simpler life.   It is the first step in living a better life.   It is ever so slightly scary!  But it feels right.

So now starts the waiting game…