Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold. I am in a curious state of limbo. So much hinges on the sale of my house. It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale. My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all. I am trying to be patient. I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future. But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week. It has been a mixture of highs and lows. I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment. I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me. On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre. I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write. So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well. At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship. I know this to be true. Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed. Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away. There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt. And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little. But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted. Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path. My route has felt a little dangerous lately. I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall. There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over. At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good. I am happier, content. I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me. I just have to stay patient and focused.

Thoughts for today

In my “about me” section I say that, for years, I haven’t had a path, a goal, any idea of where I want my life to go. Looking back I have never really had a path. I have been blown from one place to another with no real thought of where I was going, what journey I wanted to be on. Actually I haven’t “been blown from one place to another” – that sounds as if I had no agency, no say. What I should have said is that I have let myself be taken places by other people’s expectations, by my feelings for individual people and by my complete lack of a preferred route.

Over the last few months I have been busy formulating a route. Meeting that special man who I have mentioned before and who is in my bio, somehow started the process of freeing me from expectation and false prisons. That meeting and our subsequent friendship set me off on my Buddhist path which is now intrinsic to and woven into my life. My practice of Buddhism and my dissatisfaction with my current life have made me sit down and reevaluate where I am, where I am heading and where I want to be. Meditation, study and discussion with good friends have allowed me to see my life more clearly through the fog of everyday routines and the glare of painful experiences.

I now have a destination. Actually – no – not a destination – that is too confining and does not do justice to the journey. It is not all about the end point … I want to continue to strive to live in the present moment. I see a path, a journey which as I travel will bring me happiness, fulfillment. I can see that I want a life which is less dependent on money and material things; a life which is simple yet full. I want a life which allows me the time to read, study, walk, travel and live. I want a life which allows me to do things for myself, my girls, my friends, and others – to respond to the knowledge that every sentient being wants and deserves happiness. I want to explore. I want to feel alive.

There will be stops along the way. There will be obstacles, hills and mountains to climb. There will be holes to fall down. I am sure that I will have to fight my way through a few dark forests and tunnels. But I have a route to follow, a journey determined, shaped and carried out by me. It is a journey which is affected by my entire life and experiences but more particularly by the events of the past few months.

And it now feels real…

So I have done it – my house is on the market. It is happening! After a completely insane Christmas and New Year clearing and decorating, my house is finally on the market. It did not seem very real until I came home at lunchtime and there was the For Sale sign in my garden.

It’s exciting. I have taken the first step in moving towards a simpler life. It is the first step in living a better life. It is ever so slightly scary! But it feels right.

So now starts the waiting game…

New Year – Endings and beginnings…

Last night I went to my usual Buddhist meeting. Actually – it was a slight departure from the usual programme. We have had a different couple of weeks as we did the alternative Boxing Day and the alternative New Year. Not many attended Boxing Day – there were 7 of us. There were more last night – but many were new. It was lovely to meet this group of young, obviously very spiritual people and to meditate and talk with them. I don’t know if they will attend again – but am hopeful that they will. I did have mixed feelings though – which I am thinking about and exploring… They somehow changed the dynamic of the group – not necessarily for the worse but it felt different.

We did the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation. I must admit I struggled last night – my mind would have been in place but my body did not agree! My back is suffering from all of the lifting and decorating that I have been doing.. and my arthritis hates this weather. I stupidly chose to sit on the floor rather than admit defeat and choose a chair. So I was a little fidgety and in pain for most of it… Lesson learned (I hope!). My mind did feel clearer afterwards though so it cannot have been all bad – I am reminded that even a “poor” meditation is better than none at all.

During the tea break I caught up with a couple of women from my Dharma Study Group. I love these women. They are so different from each other – and from me! One is calm and peaceful; the other lively and passionate. The warmth and love that they (and others in the Sangha) show towards me and towards everyone is incredible… I am starting to truly appreciate the value of spiritual friends and to the Eastbourne Triratna Sanga.

Afterwards we sat and talked about the end of one year and the beginning of the next, of endings and beginnings, of opportunity… We thought about what we wanted to leave behind, what we wanted to keep with us and what we were looking for in the future. And it came to me… What I wanted to leave behind was the weight of expectation. I wanted to feel more free to lead my life as it should be led rather than as I think other people expect. I want to be more free so that I can be of more service, more help and more caring to others – to those I love and to society in general. I want to be more free so that I can travel, read and walk. I want to feel alive.

For the past few years I have felt trapped inside a life that I don’t really want. I feel as if I have not got enough time and energy available for my daughters. I felt as if there was nothing that I could do about it… Until a few months ago when a chance meeting led to me seeing so many possibilities. It is not too late to change how I live; it is not to late to live a more positive, spiritual life. It is not too late as long as I am brave enough to take the chance. Actually – not to “take” the chance but to make the chances – to make the changes happen.

So here I go. I am moving the obstacles, clearing the path. I am filling in pot holes and building bridges. Wading through streams and swimming across rivers. Some of my path exists; I just have to uncover it. A lot of my path I have to construct myself.

How excited am I about this journey?!!

Looking forward to 2019

Goodbye 2018 / Welcome 2019

I tend to avoid New Year’s Eve parties. I have never really enjoyed them. But I see the point of them – saying goodbye to the year that is past and welcoming in the New Year. Some people don’t like the divide between one year and the next; they see it as a false construct or as a sign that another year has gone and that they are nearer death. Some see the making of New Year’s resolutions as pointless or as just being something else to worry about.

I have always looked back at the year that has passed and I do make resolutions for the year to come. I think it is a useful construct especially this year. It is the opportunity to look at where I am on my journey and consider what I can do better/ differently to travel in the right direction, enjoy the walk, take pleasure in the scenery. At the same time I am looking at where I am now… there is a lot of happiness in my life and there is sadness. I need to live in the present – to appreciate the now but in my “now” I can do things which will help my future and aid my happiness.

I have been listening to Tony Robbins podcast with Russell Brand this morning. They were discussing “Recovery” which I have written about before. It has been good to refresh my memory and increase my understanding of the Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps. One of the most useful ideas is the view that addictions can be anything – any behaviour that I really want to stop, that I feel uncomfortable about doing but somehow keep on with. This is alcohol but is also attachment to social media, TV, a particular person. Working through the 12 steps can help with these and any addictions.

Russell and Tony ascribe to the idea that we are entitled to be happy. We have to look at what we believe happiness to be though. True happiness is not short term pleasure – that is fleeting; impermanent. According to Tibetan Buddhism, the two main things we need to be happy are mindful awareness and loving compassion. Compassion / loving kindness / metta for ourselves and for other beings. These can be built by meditation through which we can overcome negative thoughts and habitual emotional responses – we can start to live from a calmer, more peaceful place.

So, in 2019, I will continue the journey which I started this year. I believe that I can change myself, change my thinking and that I am responsible for my own happiness. How I think and how I respond to my emotions will dictate my degree of happiness. I am walking the Buddhist path as best that I can. I have practical steps which I have started to take. I will practise the 5 precepts (see below), meditate and use Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps to help me rid myself of addictions / negative behaviour and to develop more skillful thinking and behaviours. Buddhism, the 12 steps see the goal as living a life that is compassionate, serving others. In the podcast this morning, Russell and Tony both described how helping others takes you outside of yourself and brings happiness.

I cannot expect the journey to be linear – there will be meandering, backward steps. But I shall remember what the words of a friend – “We practise the 5 precepts the best that we can; we are all practising. None of us is perfect”. What matters is that we try.

So 2018 has not been a great year in many ways. BUT it is the year in which I changed my path – started this journey. It is the year in which I got up off the floor and started moving. It is the year in which the walls which I had built up came tumbling down. It is the year in which I started to take control.

In 2019 I will continue my journey to become more Tee…

Happy New Year!

The Five Precepts

I undertake to abstain from taking life
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct
I undertake to abstain from false speech
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants/drink and drugs which cloud the mind

With deeds of loving-kindness, I purify my body
With open-handed generosity, I purify my body
With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body
With truthful communication, I purify my speech
With mindfulness clear and radiant, I purify my mind

Bin bag city

Well I am fast getting rid of loads of “stuff”. It appears that my house is / was full of all sorts of things that were never used / never appreciated. I am on a mission to get rid of clutter – to simplify my life. The things that I will keep will be extremely useful or extremely beautiful – preferably both. I don’t need all of these things…

New Year looming

So I have a plan. A dream that will progress me further on my journey. It will help my girls … it will help me progress on the Buddhist path. It’s a dream that is a plan. I am actually doing concrete things that will help it to come true.

In doing this I am trying to leave behind the sadness and heartache of 2018. 2018 brought moments of pure joy; pure happiness; fulfilment. There was a time when I had a future all there for me and for my girls … but it got taken away. I fought for that future with everything I had… but it was not to be. So now I am relying on myself. And this dream will happen. It will take place. I can see a future now.

Coming to the end of the year

The end of another year is approaching – and the start of the new. It is an artificial construct.. human made. And (together with all of the hype around Christmas) we have constructed a whole drama, story, legend around what the new year should mean. It’s often seen as an opportunity – the time to make resolutions, to decide to take new paths… What we are doing at midnight on 31st December seems to have taken on an extraordinary importance.

Most of the time, I find these human obstructs to be totally unhelpful. The Christmas thing – well that would be a whole “ranty” post to itself (it might well happen). But there is something about the New Year which I do find helpful… The idea that things can change… that I can make things change by resolving to do things differently.

Every year I make New Year Resolutions. I try to make them positive rather than saying what I won’t do. I did quite well on 2018’s. I made sure that they were SMART – (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound) so, yes, I did well. But were they challenging? Were they life-changing? I was unhappy with huge aspects of how I was living my life – did these resolutions aim to change that? On the whole – no they didn’t. They were easy, they were achievable – do Dry January…. drop that extra bit of weight… Take Pretzel to puppy training classes. These did not turn out to be life-changing for me – and they were never meant to be.

This year has been full of ups and downs (lots of downs). The dips in the road have seemed like craters. There have been great times – time spent in Snowdonia, a Moroccan holiday. There have been evenings spent with my girls, with friends… There has been great times but this year has taken its toll. I have loved and I have lost; people I love have been through trauma and distress; I have had to accept that there are things my body just cannot do any more (weights, running….). And there has been this feeling of being trapped in a place where I do not want to be… being a person that I do not want to be.

Fortunately, I did not totally break. I stumbled. I laid on the ground not wanting to move a few times… but I did not break – well not totally. I started on a journey in mid July which has been hard, with loads of twists and turns. The train I was on crashed. But the journey is sound. It is a journey which makes complete sense to me. It is not easy but it is do-able.

So, next year will see a continuation of my journey. I aim to become a Mitra early on in the new year – making my public declaration that I see myself as a Buddhist, am following the five precepts and see myself as belonging to the Triratna Community. I will be continuing to develop my practise of the Dharma.

I do not need a New Year tradition of resolutions and change to do this! It is a continuation. However, as I walked Pretzel yesterday morning I came to the realisation that I have to make changes. Changes that will help my continuing journey. Changes that I need to make in order to progress, to continue my journey. I have come to a junction and have to make decisions. I could continue walking the easier path which is familiar, even a little boring. Or I could push my way through forests, up hills and get to a path with a better view. I could accept the challenge of leading a better, more skilful life. I could carry on walking my current path with its familiar stresses and challenges until I am pushed off that path by others. I could let other people, circumstances dictate when I change my direction. Or I could make January 2019 the year in which I take control. When I give that push to becoming more Tee.

My resolutions for 2019 are SMART but they are challenging. They are not easy targets to meet. They are going to take work and determination. But I have a direction. I feel an energy that I haven’t felt in a while.

Full disclosure…

Well – the last few days have been hard – so a bit of alcohol may have passed my lips …

That stops now! I have discovered that a JD and coke one evening leads to more the next evening and the next…

I don’t get drunk by any means – I only have a couple. But it leaves me sluggish and clouds my mind

Think Tee-total is the only way to go!

Wish me luck

Avoiding the roller coaster… thoughts on an early morning walk with Pretzel

So – yesterday I wrote, rather optimistically, about not getting back on the roller coaster. I wrote about continuing to follow my path calmly and with focus. Umm – yes – right….

It is easier said than done isn’t it? Especially when more things happen which make life more painful, harder. Especially when I am trying not to use the coping mechanisms I have used before – those which seem to work at the time but are just temporary fixes, covering the cracks but actually making things worse. Especially when I am trying to use more skillful methods but I am not practiced enough in them yet.

But I have moved forward – I have made progress. I am on the rock face. I may not be pulling myself back up yet – but I have halted my fall. It would have been easier in many ways just to let myself fall… But no. I have a journey; I have a path. So I am using the unfamiliar foot and hand holds to cling on to. I hope to be able to start pulling myself up soon.

So here I am. I am continuing on my path. Following the 5 precepts as well as I can. Meditating and practising the Dharma. Trying to live more mindfully and skillfully. Doing everything I can to avoid the temptation of that roller coaster.