I look back at my pictures of this Summer. Of Snowdonia, of Morocco. I look at Instagram. Those beautiful Instagram pictures by amazing photographers! I cannot get enough of the beauty. I gaze at pictures of Snowdonia and other fabulous landscapes and just wish I was there! All my thoughts of living in the present moment evaporate as I recall treasured memories of Llyn Gwynant and the surrounding area. All my thoughts of living in the now fade away as I long for a distant future of travelling, walking and exploration.
I set out on my usual dog walk this morning, dragging a reluctant little dog behind me. I was going to do my usual route – this does not require thinking – I just do it. I know it takes an hour; I know it is just over 5k; I know that it will hit a big chunk of my daily steps. But – this morning I turned right instead of left and headed for the park.
Now some of you reading this (if anyone does! I need more subscribers – insert sad face) will say “You stupid woman. Why don’t you go to the park every day? It has to be prettier than the streets”. And you will have made a very sound point. I don’t know the exact reason why! I know that the route I take is my old 5K route in my running days. I remember that Pretzel used to be really nervous of people and dogs so the park would have been a little too much for her. Maybe it is just habit, though. I don’t know.
As I walked I listened to the latest Russell Brand podcast (well worth listening to by the way! A live conversation with Radhanath Swami). I walked thinking of those beautiful pictures and images of mountains, beaches, oceans. I entered the park on this cold, dark winter morning. At first all I could see were sad, unhappy, brown colours and bare trees. Then I began to look properly and saw that there was beauty… I took off my gloves, took out my phone and started taking pictures of trees, ducks, the lake.
So yes – I will continue to look at pictures of Snowdonia, Wales, the rest of the world. I will make plans to visit some of these places. But I must live in the present and see the beauty in now.
And that is the secret to happiness, I think! Or at least one of the secrets. I must look at the beauty. Whatever is happening, wherever I am, whatever I miss or yearn for – in all of this there will be beauty somewhere. I could concentrate on the negative emotions – on pain, regret, yearning, sadness. I could look at what is wrong with my life. I could keep wishing away the winter. OR I could look beyond those things to the beauty which exists in life.
Last night I went to my usual Buddhist meeting. Actually – it was a slight departure from the usual programme. We have had a different couple of weeks as we did the alternative Boxing Day and the alternative New Year. Not many attended Boxing Day – there were 7 of us. There were more last night – but many were new. It was lovely to meet this group of young, obviously very spiritual people and to meditate and talk with them. I don’t know if they will attend again – but am hopeful that they will. I did have mixed feelings though – which I am thinking about and exploring… They somehow changed the dynamic of the group – not necessarily for the worse but it felt different.
We did the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation. I must admit I struggled last night – my mind would have been in place but my body did not agree! My back is suffering from all of the lifting and decorating that I have been doing.. and my arthritis hates this weather. I stupidly chose to sit on the floor rather than admit defeat and choose a chair. So I was a little fidgety and in pain for most of it… Lesson learned (I hope!). My mind did feel clearer afterwards though so it cannot have been all bad – I am reminded that even a “poor” meditation is better than none at all.
During the tea break I caught up with a couple of women from my Dharma Study Group. I love these women. They are so different from each other – and from me! One is calm and peaceful; the other lively and passionate. The warmth and love that they (and others in the Sangha) show towards me and towards everyone is incredible… I am starting to truly appreciate the value of spiritual friends and to the Eastbourne Triratna Sanga.
Afterwards we sat and talked about the end of one year and the beginning of the next, of endings and beginnings, of opportunity… We thought about what we wanted to leave behind, what we wanted to keep with us and what we were looking for in the future. And it came to me… What I wanted to leave behind was the weight of expectation. I wanted to feel more free to lead my life as it should be led rather than as I think other people expect. I want to be more free so that I can be of more service, more help and more caring to others – to those I love and to society in general. I want to be more free so that I can travel, read and walk. I want to feel alive.
For the past few years I have felt trapped inside a life that I don’t really want. I feel as if I have not got enough time and energy available for my daughters. I felt as if there was nothing that I could do about it… Until a few months ago when a chance meeting led to me seeing so many possibilities. It is not too late to change how I live; it is not to late to live a more positive, spiritual life. It is not too late as long as I am brave enough to take the chance. Actually – not to “take” the chance but to make the chances – to make the changes happen.
So here I go. I am moving the obstacles, clearing the path. I am filling in pot holes and building bridges. Wading through streams and swimming across rivers. Some of my path exists; I just have to uncover it. A lot of my path I have to construct myself.
I tend to avoid New Year’s Eve parties. I have never really enjoyed them. But I see the point of them – saying goodbye to the year that is past and welcoming in the New Year. Some people don’t like the divide between one year and the next; they see it as a false construct or as a sign that another year has gone and that they are nearer death. Some see the making of New Year’s resolutions as pointless or as just being something else to worry about.
I have always looked back at the year that has passed and I do make resolutions for the year to come. I think it is a useful construct especially this year. It is the opportunity to look at where I am on my journey and consider what I can do better/ differently to travel in the right direction, enjoy the walk, take pleasure in the scenery. At the same time I am looking at where I am now… there is a lot of happiness in my life and there is sadness. I need to live in the present – to appreciate the now but in my “now” I can do things which will help my future and aid my happiness.
I have been listening to Tony Robbins podcast with Russell Brand this morning. They were discussing “Recovery” which I have written about before. It has been good to refresh my memory and increase my understanding of the Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps. One of the most useful ideas is the view that addictions can be anything – any behaviour that I really want to stop, that I feel uncomfortable about doing but somehow keep on with. This is alcohol but is also attachment to social media, TV, a particular person. Working through the 12 steps can help with these and any addictions.
Russell and Tony ascribe to the idea that we are entitled to be happy. We have to look at what we believe happiness to be though. True happiness is not short term pleasure – that is fleeting; impermanent. According to Tibetan Buddhism, the two main things we need to be happy are mindful awareness and loving compassion. Compassion / loving kindness / metta for ourselves and for other beings. These can be built by meditation through which we can overcome negative thoughts and habitual emotional responses – we can start to live from a calmer, more peaceful place.
So, in 2019, I will continue the journey which I started this year. I believe that I can change myself, change my thinking and that I am responsible for my own happiness. How I think and how I respond to my emotions will dictate my degree of happiness. I am walking the Buddhist path as best that I can. I have practical steps which I have started to take. I will practise the 5 precepts (see below), meditate and use Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps to help me rid myself of addictions / negative behaviour and to develop more skillful thinking and behaviours. Buddhism, the 12 steps see the goal as living a life that is compassionate, serving others. In the podcast this morning, Russell and Tony both described how helping others takes you outside of yourself and brings happiness.
I cannot expect the journey to be linear – there will be meandering, backward steps. But I shall remember what the words of a friend – “We practise the 5 precepts the best that we can; we are all practising. None of us is perfect”. What matters is that we try.
So 2018 has not been a great year in many ways. BUT it is the year in which I changed my path – started this journey. It is the year in which I got up off the floor and started moving. It is the year in which the walls which I had built up came tumbling down. It is the year in which I started to take control.
In 2019 I will continue my journey to become more Tee…
Happy New Year!
The Five Precepts
I undertake to abstain from taking life
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct
I undertake to abstain from false speech
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants/drink and drugs which cloud the mind
With deeds of loving-kindness, I purify my body
With open-handed generosity, I purify my body
With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body
With truthful communication, I purify my speech
With mindfulness clear and radiant, I purify my mind
Well I am fast getting rid of loads of “stuff”. It appears that my house is / was full of all sorts of things that were never used / never appreciated. I am on a mission to get rid of clutter – to simplify my life. The things that I will keep will be extremely useful or extremely beautiful – preferably both. I don’t need all of these things…
The end of another year is approaching – and the start of the new. It is an artificial construct.. human made. And (together with all of the hype around Christmas) we have constructed a whole drama, story, legend around what the new year should mean. It’s often seen as an opportunity – the time to make resolutions, to decide to take new paths… What we are doing at midnight on 31st December seems to have taken on an extraordinary importance.
Most of the time, I find these human obstructs to be totally unhelpful. The Christmas thing – well that would be a whole “ranty” post to itself (it might well happen). But there is something about the New Year which I do find helpful… The idea that things can change… that I can make things change by resolving to do things differently.
Every year I make New Year Resolutions. I try to make them positive rather than saying what I won’t do. I did quite well on 2018’s. I made sure that they were SMART – (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound) so, yes, I did well. But were they challenging? Were they life-changing? I was unhappy with huge aspects of how I was living my life – did these resolutions aim to change that? On the whole – no they didn’t. They were easy, they were achievable – do Dry January…. drop that extra bit of weight… Take Pretzel to puppy training classes. These did not turn out to be life-changing for me – and they were never meant to be.
This year has been full of ups and downs (lots of downs). The dips in the road have seemed like craters. There have been great times – time spent in Snowdonia, a Moroccan holiday. There have been evenings spent with my girls, with friends… There has been great times but this year has taken its toll. I have loved and I have lost; people I love have been through trauma and distress; I have had to accept that there are things my body just cannot do any more (weights, running….). And there has been this feeling of being trapped in a place where I do not want to be… being a person that I do not want to be.
Fortunately, I did not totally break. I stumbled. I laid on the ground not wanting to move a few times… but I did not break – well not totally. I started on a journey in mid July which has been hard, with loads of twists and turns. The train I was on crashed. But the journey is sound. It is a journey which makes complete sense to me. It is not easy but it is do-able.
So, next year will see a continuation of my journey. I aim to become a Mitra early on in the new year – making my public declaration that I see myself as a Buddhist, am following the five precepts and see myself as belonging to the Triratna Community. I will be continuing to develop my practise of the Dharma.
I do not need a New Year tradition of resolutions and change to do this! It is a continuation. However, as I walked Pretzel yesterday morning I came to the realisation that I have to make changes. Changes that will help my continuing journey. Changes that I need to make in order to progress, to continue my journey. I have come to a junction and have to make decisions. I could continue walking the easier path which is familiar, even a little boring. Or I could push my way through forests, up hills and get to a path with a better view. I could accept the challenge of leading a better, more skilful life. I could carry on walking my current path with its familiar stresses and challenges until I am pushed off that path by others. I could let other people, circumstances dictate when I change my direction. Or I could make January 2019 the year in which I take control. When I give that push to becoming more Tee.
My resolutions for 2019 are SMART but they are challenging. They are not easy targets to meet. They are going to take work and determination. But I have a direction. I feel an energy that I haven’t felt in a while.
So – yesterday I wrote, rather optimistically, about not getting back on the roller coaster. I wrote about continuing to follow my path calmly and with focus. Umm – yes – right….
It is easier said than done isn’t it? Especially when more things happen which make life more painful, harder. Especially when I am trying not to use the coping mechanisms I have used before – those which seem to work at the time but are just temporary fixes, covering the cracks but actually making things worse. Especially when I am trying to use more skillful methods but I am not practiced enough in them yet.
But I have moved forward – I have made progress. I am on the rock face. I may not be pulling myself back up yet – but I have halted my fall. It would have been easier in many ways just to let myself fall… But no. I have a journey; I have a path. So I am using the unfamiliar foot and hand holds to cling on to. I hope to be able to start pulling myself up soon.
So here I am. I am continuing on my path. Following the 5 precepts as well as I can. Meditating and practising the Dharma. Trying to live more mindfully and skillfully. Doing everything I can to avoid the temptation of that roller coaster.
So something good happens… At last! Sometimes life feels full of sadness,mediocrity, boredom and drama so, when something good comes along, it is important to embrace it, live it and enjoy it. It is crucial to live in the present moment, feel and savour every second because this immediate event will not last and it would be all to easy to allow its impermanence to spoil the joy.
And now, it is over. And, of course, because life is as it is I want more. I always want these moments to last longer, to repeat themselves more often. It is “dukkha” – the suffering that occurs because everything in the ordinary, unenlightened life is ultimately unsatisfactory and changes, passes away. So in these hours, days, weeks after the something magical and lovely, I have to be aware. I have to be on guard against suffering unduly. I have to be aware of my emotions, my tendency to be sad and regretful. I have to stay calm and focussed, grateful that life offers these gems of happiness.
The problem with wonderful events is that life can become a roller coaster! I have experienced this so often – especially over the past year. I could have ran down the flower edged grassy bank with glee resulting in a messy fall, crashing in a heap at the bottom. So I ran down that bank more mindfully, with more awareness. Remembering the importance of valuing and rejoicing in those lovely, gleeful, special events because they light up my life, my heart, my soul. They show me that I can be happy, content and at peace.
So now I am keeping those wonderful hours alive in memories. Not to live in the past but to help me through sadder days – to help me climb those hills, clamber over the jagged rocks. Those few hours helped heal deep cuts and grazes caused by my recent crashes and falls. And those magical hours have not left me empty! They have left me with a deep, beautiful, loving, spiritual friendship which means the world to me.
So I continue to walk along my path holding onto the joy, peace and happiness I found. I have had to clamber over a couple of rocks today but I have used these new tools to help me negotiate a safe path and climb over in one piece.
Time to pause – to take a break; have a coffee and a slice of (vegan) cake. Time to reflect. Where am I on my path? Am I negotiating the hills and rocky places? Am I managing to push my way through the bushes and forests? Have I actually managed to climb my way out of the dark, deep chasm in which I found myself? Am I enjoying those (brief) times when my path is easy and is edged with flowers and trees and the sun is shining? Is my destination any clearer? Am I walking in the same shoes – do I need to change my clothes? Find a travelling companion? Use another mode of transport? Big challenging questions which I will reflect on as I walk.
At one time I had a travelling companion. This amazing man set me off on my journey and stayed with me for a while. He always described our journey as being on a train going towards a destination taking breaks at various stations on the way. Looking back, it was a train so I had no control of the journey – I boarded the train and had to stay on it or choose to leave at the next station. I boarded that train happily and was content with the journey but we would get to a station and the destination would change. And in the end it was not me that crashed that train – I was pulling on the emergency chord to no avail. After that we walked together for a while on the same path. I saw our path stretching far into the future. But, one night, under the cover of darkness, he slipped off our path and went down another…. He decided that ours was not his path. I have no idea where that goes but I hope it is his path and that he finds happiness on it. Maybe, one day, our paths will come together once more.
So I am left walking that path – a Buddhist path – going for refuge in the Three Jewels. It is the path, the way that I have chosen. Walking, crawling, running… I am in control of where I walk, how I react to the environment and the route I choose to take. This path has its twists and turns. Everyday life throws in obstacles which I try very hard to negotiate skillfully – sometimes I succeed; often I stumble. There are often interesting side paths and lanes which entice me to explore but they are a distraction. Sometimes I go off my path and find myself in a very wet, soggy, muddy ditch. BUT – and this is a bit BUT – I climb back out onto my path and keep going. I continue on my path trying hard to keep to the 5 precepts and seek guidance and support from my friends, from the Sangha.
So I am treading the Buddhist path – practising the Dharma as best as I can. I have a final destination I guess, but that is too far ahead, too much in the distance, I am not sure of the exact route. So I have to look at my map and find landmarks along the way – look for a route which will lead – eventually – to my final destination.
I have started to ask myself this more and more even in small situations – does watching that TV programme now add positively to my life? It might ! I might need that hour’s break. But there may be more merit in reading a book or going for a walk.
As I walked I listened to the latest Russell Brand podcast (well worth listening to by the way! A live conversation with Radhanath Swami). I walked thinking of those beautiful pictures and images of mountains, beaches, oceans. I entered the park on this cold, dark winter morning. At first all I could see were sad, unhappy, brown colours and bare trees. Then I began to look properly and saw that there was beauty… I took off my gloves, took out my phone and started taking pictures of trees, ducks, the lake.
world. I will make plans to visit some of these places. But I must live in the present and see the beauty in now.
I have started to ask myself this more and more even in small situations – does watching that TV programme now add positively to my life? It might ! I might need that hour’s break. But there may be more merit in reading a book or going for a walk.