Kshanti – Becoming more Tee

Garden Part Three

So last year I took a long hard look at my garden / my life. People I love were suffering and I felt quite powerless to help in any real way. I was in a job that I used to love but now felt wrong. I had to carry on working to pay the mortgage on a house that had served its purpose. I fell in love only for that relationship to break down in a way that I still cannot comprehend. I took a long look at the good aspects of my life – my girls who were / are turning into beautiful young women both inside and out; some wonderful friends. Some parts of my garden were lovely. But I had no sense of direction. I had no real sense of what I wanted my garden to look like. I could just see the years stretching out – I couldn’t see a goal. I couldn’t see a path. I had no plan of any sort.

But then I was introduced to Buddhism, the three jewels. Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. And a purpose, a direction for my life became clearer. I knew that I wanted my garden to be a place where others could rest, could find comfort, could relax and rebuild their lives. I wanted to live a life in service to others – to my family, my friends, to all beings. In order to do this I had to make big changes. I had to find a way to rebuild my garden. To establish firm foundations.

So I have a general idea of how I want my garden to look. What I want to achieve with it. Some things can be started immediately ( have been started) whilst others will take some time. In his talk Subhadassi discussed the importance of not rushing things. He gave an example of wanting to lay a path. But if you just jumped in and laid it without looking at the conditions and observing the area in different seasons, an ill sited path may flood in heavy rain. The importance of observing, taking time. But there has to be a balance – taking time cannot mean procrastination. It is the delicate balance between kshanti and virya – patience and energy.

So yes the foundations of my garden are in progress. I have made use of the good things that were already in place – as I have said, some parts of my garden were pleasing to the eye. And some things in my garden cannot be eradicated – the two firmly established blossom trees that have taken time and effort but provide such pleasure. Smaller bushes. Some of my garden brought and still brings great pleasure.

No giving up

Well that was a week! Hospital tests involving starvation, potions and cameras going where cameras are definitely not wanted! But I was looked after well in the hospital. The staff were wonderful. Thank you NHS. A few things were found – but, as expected, nothing to explain my joint pain. So more tests I expect!

This week is also the start of a restructure at work. It’s not going to affect me I admit but it will affect some dear friends, wonderful colleagues and families in East Sussex. There will be lots of changes to the lives of many people – changes that they do not want in a lot of cases.

In the midst of all this I am starting to live again. To feel like me again – even to make a little progress in becoming more Tee. I am finding ways to manage the pain, and to structure my life around it. Morning meditation, for example requires a hot water bottle! There are things I can’t do – I cannot take my little Pretzel on a lot of long walks, I cannot drive 200 miles to see my Mum. But there is a lot I can do if I just try, push myself a little and believe that things are possible.

Back to the subject of friendship which I know I talk about a lot in this blog. I am so blessed to have some lovely friends. Those who check up on me, take me to and from hospital, invite me to dinner. The friend who reminded me of Mara – the demon who attacked and tempted the Buddha with everything he had. The Buddha sat still in peace and openness. And the words, arrows, weapons and pain drifted away from him as soft petals. And during this notice period I am realising how many friends I have made during my time with Children’s Centres. I must try to keep in touch with them.

My pets – they help! Well most of the time. They can be a pain admittedly especially when they want food NOW. But my cats – JD and Smirnoff are good for cuddles and very entertaining to watch as they play. Pretzel – also very cuddly and fun to be with.

I still feel sorry for myself at times. Who doesn’t? But it’s ok. Suffering is intrinsic to human life. And things could be an awful lot worse! There are also a lot of things to be thankful for.

And – This too shall pass.

So no giving up! Acceptance of what cannot be changed; taking action where it will be helpful. Trying to attain the perfect blend of Kshanti and Virya – patience and energy.

Rambling thoughts for a Saturday

Kshanti – May I be patient

I feel as if my life is on hold. I am in a curious state of limbo. So much hinges on the sale of my house. It seems as if every plan, every dream, every solution to immediate problems rest on this sale. My natural lack of patience is not helping this situation at all. I am trying to be patient. I am striving to make the most of this time – to live in the present moment; not to hanker too much for the future. But I do find this very difficult.

It has been a strange sort of a week. It has been a mixture of highs and lows. I have found myself thinking a lot of the future and trying to bring myself back to this moment. I have been reminding myself that the sale of this house will not fix all of my problems – in the end I will still be me. On my walks I have been listening to podcasts rather than music in a effort to prevent any day dreaming – Fearne Cotton, Bryony Gordon, Russell Brand and one from the Buddhist Centre. I have been very busy at work with lots of meetings, emails to respond to and data to crunch, reports to write. So daydreaming could be kept at bay.

This week has been a week for friendship as well. At my Buddhist meeting this week there was a lot of emphasis and discussion on the importance of friendship. I know this to be true. Over the last few weeks, months many of my friendships have been tested as I have changed. Some friendships have become stronger and closer; others I can feel are drifting away. There are a couple of people who I haven’t seen for a while but I know that the friendship is not in doubt. And something lovely this week – spending time with a very special friend who I see far too little. But I have also had to question what I will accept in a friendship… point out to someone that I deserve respect and care; not to be taken for granted. Friendship is a two way process – and far too often I have found myself doing all of the work, making all of the effort all of the time.

So I continue to walk along my path. My route has felt a little dangerous lately. I have had to keep close to the rock face so as not to feel faint and fall over the edge – it felt as if there was a long way to fall. There have been obstacles to navigate, to walk round or scramble over. At one point I had to jump over a deep hole in the road.

Overall though life is good. I am happier, content. I have a journey, a plan which excites me even as it scares me. I just have to stay patient and focused.