Buddhism – Page 2 – Becoming more Tee

Mindfulness – a poem

This poem was the the result of a project I did for my Dharma Study Group. I looked at the fifth precept:

“With mindfulness pure and radiant, I purify my mind”

It began with a mind map which is the main picture at the top of this post. I love mind maps. I first came across them when I was teaching in Milton Keynes. Tony Buzan has written several books on the subject of mind mapping – well worth a look. Mind mapping is a great technique for brain storming any subject and organising your resultant thoughts. It also lets you use all of those colourful pens!! Then there was a stage when I tried to organise my thoughts in a more linear way. I was bored by that though and it didn’t seem like a good ending for the project.

In my mind map and more organised writing, I looked at mindfulness as being multi faceted:

being present, in the now, in the moment. Not worrying about the future or being anxious about the past. No regret, no fear. Be in the moment, enjoying whatever it is I am doing without distraction
knowing the purpose of the activity to my life, my goal, my direction. Is this activity beneficial to me? Am I benefiting myself or others by doing this? In the words of the Olympic Medallist, Ben Hunt Davis, “Will it make the boat go faster”?
being vigilant. Guarding against unskilful actions of body, speech and mind. Am I acting with metta? Am I being generous? Am I being truthful?

And whatever I am doing, even if it does not seem to be a “good” thing to do; it might be a frivolous thing, just fun or something to do at that moment. But whatever it is – am I actually noticing what I am doing? Am I actually watching Netflix? Am I actually tasting the bar of (vegan) chocolate? Am I actually listening to my friend? We all seem to spend so much of our lives multi-tasking!

Somehow – I am not sure how exactly – this turned into a poem. I haven’t written a poem in years – probably since school. And at school, there were always rules to follow – make sure it rhymes or “write it in the style of….”

So here it is – the completed poem.

This moment is a precious gift.
Imagine a butterfly drifting in and perching gently on your hand.
Use your eyes to photograph her beauty.
Be gentle …. Don’t move your hand or make sudden movements.
This is a special moment. This butterfly trusts you to do the best by her
Don’t harm her
Don’t scare her
Treat her well.
This butterfly will never come back to you again… Her life is short as it is.
She will fly off – don’t try to stop her.
Do not chase after her.
Just let her go.

This moment is a precious gift.
A present given to you by a special friend to use well.
Open the present with attention and care.
Read the hand written card.
Notice the beautiful wrapping paper and ribbon.
Fold the paper carefully so that it can be treasured and used again; Tie the ribbon in your hair.
The present is fragile; it will not last.
But is given with such love and devotion.
Use the present wisely. Use the present with love.
One day that gift may be broken – do not weep. Do not cry.
Your friend loves you still.

This moment is a precious gift.
Imagine a special bunch of flowers ready to be placed on the shrine.
They have been picked with loving care.
Look at their bright colours; notice their green leaves.
Arrange them with care
Show them to their best advantage.
Treat them gently – they are delicate.
When they begin to fade, remove them from the shrine
Do not mourn their death
They were never going to last more than that brief time.
The shrine will be beautiful again.

This moment is a precious gift.
Use it well.
Use it wisely.
Use it with intention.
Use it without distraction.
This moment is a precious gift.
Use it, be deep within it then…

Let it go.

Garden Part Three

So last year I took a long hard look at my garden / my life. People I love were suffering and I felt quite powerless to help in any real way. I was in a job that I used to love but now felt wrong. I had to carry on working to pay the mortgage on a house that had served its purpose. I fell in love only for that relationship to break down in a way that I still cannot comprehend. I took a long look at the good aspects of my life – my girls who were / are turning into beautiful young women both inside and out; some wonderful friends. Some parts of my garden were lovely. But I had no sense of direction. I had no real sense of what I wanted my garden to look like. I could just see the years stretching out – I couldn’t see a goal. I couldn’t see a path. I had no plan of any sort.

But then I was introduced to Buddhism, the three jewels. Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. And a purpose, a direction for my life became clearer. I knew that I wanted my garden to be a place where others could rest, could find comfort, could relax and rebuild their lives. I wanted to live a life in service to others – to my family, my friends, to all beings. In order to do this I had to make big changes. I had to find a way to rebuild my garden. To establish firm foundations.

So I have a general idea of how I want my garden to look. What I want to achieve with it. Some things can be started immediately ( have been started) whilst others will take some time. In his talk Subhadassi discussed the importance of not rushing things. He gave an example of wanting to lay a path. But if you just jumped in and laid it without looking at the conditions and observing the area in different seasons, an ill sited path may flood in heavy rain. The importance of observing, taking time. But there has to be a balance – taking time cannot mean procrastination. It is the delicate balance between kshanti and virya – patience and energy.

So yes the foundations of my garden are in progress. I have made use of the good things that were already in place – as I have said, some parts of my garden were pleasing to the eye. And some things in my garden cannot be eradicated – the two firmly established blossom trees that have taken time and effort but provide such pleasure. Smaller bushes. Some of my garden brought and still brings great pleasure.

Garden – Part Two

I guess that, in some ways, it doesn’t really matter if the garden is new to me or if I have always been in it. The point is that there is a garden and I am in charge of it. But I think that the garden is my life and how I choose to live my life is reflected in the garden in all of its aspects. So this has always been my garden. I like to think of this garden as a large, sprawling kind of garden with lots of different parts. Full shade in some areas, sunny during a lot of the day in others. Boggy, heavy, clay like soil leading to the overgrown pond but drier soil under the trees. A garden in which there is room to grow, to explore the potential. A garden which could, if properly looked after, provide quiet spaces for contemplation and rest; spots for nature watching, vegetable plots etc etc. A garden which shows previous attempts to tame it, to make it a beautiful place to be. Maybe a beautiful tree that continues to flourish, or some flowers that bloom year after year. Maybe I have put some effort (of the right kind) into some parts of the garden …. but not so much in others. Overgrown flower beds, uneven and broken paths are in evidence. Maybe an old potting shed or two.

So there came a point last year when I stopped and took a proper look at my garden. How was it doing? Was it full of beauty or at least functional? And, as might be apparent, to anyone who has read at least some of this blog, I found that my garden / my life was entirely unsatisfactory in most of its aspects. Some parts of the garden were falling into neglect and disrepair. Some of the garden looked quite pretty on the surface but these were small flowerbeds filled with temporary, garish annuals. Other parts of the garden were functional – these parts “did the job” but were not pleasurable to be in or to look at.

It was time to take stock and decide what I wanted my garden to look like. What I wanted my life to look like.

My mind map.. It started off so tidy and pretty! But I leave it on the table and add to it whenever I have another idea!

So – there we have it – part two of the garden metaphor. I am sorry if I am boring you with it but I am quite enjoying writing it. It is making me use my brain, to think more imaginatively – something that I have not done in a long time!

Wesak Day

Well I managed to get out of bed – as usual it wasn’t elegant and there was some under my breath swearing! But I did it and managed to take Pretzel a quick walk, have coffee, breakfast and leave. Now sitting on the Brighton train. Hoping that I will meet up with friends at Eastbourne. I haven’t been to the Brighton Buddhist Centre before and it is always easier to go for the first time with friends.

Now back home after a lovely day. I met up with my friends. And we talked all of the way to Brighton. The Brighton Centre is lovely. So calm. So serene. THREE shrine rooms! THREE! I still prefer our Eastbourne “pop up” centre though. The Eastbourne Sangha is small and intimate. We know and care for each other.

It was a fabulous day. Meditation, Puja, talks, story telling, two Mitra ceremonies, a shared lunch. Perfect. And back to a common theme. FRIENDSHIP. I had a long chat with a friend I hadn’t really talked to for a while. I chatted with friends. Reacquainted myself with people I have met before. Met new people. There is one friend who I love deeply. He was there. He is a true spiritual friend. It’s not a romantic or sexual relationship. It’s not a physical thing at all. But we hug. We connect. It is a truly beautiful friendship. I have a deep love for this man.

I love my Buddhist friends. I love my Buddhist life. I had some lovely deep conversations. I felt that I was part of something. I felt that I mattered.

No giving up

Well that was a week! Hospital tests involving starvation, potions and cameras going where cameras are definitely not wanted! But I was looked after well in the hospital. The staff were wonderful. Thank you NHS. A few things were found – but, as expected, nothing to explain my joint pain. So more tests I expect!

This week is also the start of a restructure at work. It’s not going to affect me I admit but it will affect some dear friends, wonderful colleagues and families in East Sussex. There will be lots of changes to the lives of many people – changes that they do not want in a lot of cases.

In the midst of all this I am starting to live again. To feel like me again – even to make a little progress in becoming more Tee. I am finding ways to manage the pain, and to structure my life around it. Morning meditation, for example requires a hot water bottle! There are things I can’t do – I cannot take my little Pretzel on a lot of long walks, I cannot drive 200 miles to see my Mum. But there is a lot I can do if I just try, push myself a little and believe that things are possible.

Back to the subject of friendship which I know I talk about a lot in this blog. I am so blessed to have some lovely friends. Those who check up on me, take me to and from hospital, invite me to dinner. The friend who reminded me of Mara – the demon who attacked and tempted the Buddha with everything he had. The Buddha sat still in peace and openness. And the words, arrows, weapons and pain drifted away from him as soft petals. And during this notice period I am realising how many friends I have made during my time with Children’s Centres. I must try to keep in touch with them.

My pets – they help! Well most of the time. They can be a pain admittedly especially when they want food NOW. But my cats – JD and Smirnoff are good for cuddles and very entertaining to watch as they play. Pretzel – also very cuddly and fun to be with.

I still feel sorry for myself at times. Who doesn’t? But it’s ok. Suffering is intrinsic to human life. And things could be an awful lot worse! There are also a lot of things to be thankful for.

And – This too shall pass.

So no giving up! Acceptance of what cannot be changed; taking action where it will be helpful. Trying to attain the perfect blend of Kshanti and Virya – patience and energy.

With deeds of loving kindness, I purify my body

This precept was the subject for my Dharma Study Group this week. For me, this precept is the foundation of Buddhism. Everything else stems from this.

The five precepts, training principles of Buddhism are given in their negative. The first is “I undertake to refrain from taking life”. It talks of killing but is really about abstaining from harming any sentient being in any way. Violence is wrong because it is based on an unskilful mental state – on the state of hatred. But the precepts also have a stronger, more powerful positive counterpart. When I think of the precepts, I always think of the positive – what can I do to become a better human being? Rather than what I should not do. The counterpart of abstention from violence is the practice of Metta – loving kindness. It is a loving kindness that is expressed in deeds; it is not enough to feel goodwill and love. Loving kindness must be expressed in ACTION.

When talking about this precept – the first precept – it is tempting to think about the big things – should I be vegetarian or even vegan? Should I be opposed to abortion in all circumstances however distressing to the woman? But is this what we should be thinking about ? Is this all we should be considering? I could be vegan and anti abortion and be a vengeful uncaring human being. I only need to look in some of the Facebook vegan groups to see the hatred and anger some vegans have for other human beings. The anger and hatred directed at those poor innocent newbies who are simply seeking answers and dare to ask if eating honey can ever be ok…

I believe this precept has to come directly from the heart. It is why the Metta Bhavana meditation is so very important. I can hold as many principles as I like but may not be a person who shows loving kindness to myself, my friend, a neutral person, the person with whom I am having difficulties (sometimes referred to as my enemy) and to all sentient beings – human and non-human. I can be vegan, anti abortion etc etc but may be incapable of feeling and expressing loving kindness to all sentient beings. Deeds of loving kindness stem from the heart not from sternly held principles and views.

Living from a standpoint of loving kindness has got its dangers. Without self love this way of living can turn someone into a “push over”, a “doormat” … however you want to label a person who never thinks of her / him self. But the precept is about all beings including ourselves. It is not by chance that the first stage of the Metta Bhavana focuses on ourselves. In this stage I wish myself happiness, I want myself to be well and free from suffering. If we do not love and care for ourselves, we cannot truly love and care for others.

We also have to look at wisdom. The threefold path consists of Ethics (the precepts) and meditation – both of which I have already mentioned – but also Wisdom. Wisdom is crucial. Sometimes we have to sit back and think – what is the best way to help this person? What is the most skilful way to show loving kindness in this circumstance?

So, this precept for me, is the backdrop – or more truthfully – should be the backdrop for my entire existence. That person who pushed in front of me in the queue – I could get angry but do I know what he / she is dealing with at the moment? That friend who doesn’t respond to messages or phone calls – how do I know what is going on for them? It might not be about me. That person who is still eating meat even though they profess to be vegan in public – how do I know what else is going on in their lives, the struggles they have?

Loving kindness /Metta is not a soppy emotion. It is a strong, all powerful force in our lives. It should be expressed in action not just feelings. So we should be actively loving and caring to ourselves, our family and friends, all the people we know, all animals. Not just the people we like. Not just the animals we think are cute. All people. All animals. All sentient beings. We should strive not to do them harm – but more than that – we should strive to do them good.

A wonderful life-changing retreat

I went on my second ever retreat for the Easter weekend. What a lovely, relaxing, spiritual time spent with some lovely people. 22 Buddhists all gathered in a beautiful country house to meditate, discuss, reflect and explore friendship – the whole of the spiritual life. Phones were turned off. There was a period of silence. It was an amazing calming and refreshing time. A time in which lives were changed forever.

The sun was shining that weekend. There was time to walk, sit in the sun, read and reflect. I spent some of my time writing. On Sunday afternoon, during the silence, I sat outside of the summer house in an extremely comfortable chair and wrote:

I am sitting in a very comfortable chair. I need that else my painful body is far too much of a distraction. People are scattered around me – reading, writing, walking. Down the slight hill is a pond – a pond which is covered in algae because (I think) it helps to support the waste eco system. It is still beautiful and tranquil. Surrounded by green lawns, bushes and a bright splash of yellow flowers. Two ducks live on the pond. They are always together, swimming one just slightly behind the other. The backdrop to these rolling lawns and pond is a wood. Further on in the wood there are carpets of bluebells, pockets of primroses – although they cannot be viewed from here. All to be seen immediately is a tapestry of trees. At first glance, the trees are all beautiful shades of green, all alive and vibrant. Some with big, flamboyant leaves, others with more delicate ones. But mixed in with this tapestry of greenery are shades of brown. Some trees do not look as alert and alive. They may well experience a re-becoming further on in the year as spring turns to summer. One tree is a deep russet brown, almost red. It is fiery. It towers over a lot of the other trees. The blue sky is its backdrop. The sky was a picture book blue earlier on. I remember a jigsaw I did when a child (I was addicted to jigsaws back then). This jigsaw had just green and blue pieces – a thousand of them. Just trees and sky. this could be that jigsaw. But now the sky has faded a little – a paler blue, almost white in places. Still no clouds though. As I turn my head just slightly to the left I see the stunning show-off that is the magnolia tree. Pale pink flowers against the bright green of its leave. Two / three / fours shades delicately painted on each flower.

My favourite tree cannot be seen from here. It is a favourite of mine and a friend. It forms an archway between the gravel car park and the garden. The brilliant pink rhododendron tree.

A beautiful weekend which reminded me of the need to be more mindful. To live in the present. To enjoy and be grateful for what is happening now.

Learning to live the Dharma

I learn from reading. I have always learnt by reading. Books have been my source of knowledge for as long as I can remember. However, mixed into this has been those few, rare lucky times when I can discuss what I have been reading with others. This happened a lot at university in tutorials or with a friend who was doing the same courses. Also during my MA when I sent a few hours per week in tutorials. These discussions have always started with the text, the question and then have expanded to our lives and ways of living. Since then – until now – I have not had these opportunities. I had not realised how much I had missed the discussion and the potential for deeper personal growth.

Now I am fortunate enough to have found these opportunities for discussion again. With people from my Sangha – either at Sangha evenings or at my Dharma Training Course. And at retreats. Every so often I meet up with Buddhist friends and we discuss the Dharma. These discussions always deepen my understanding and lead me to thinking and acting more skillfully.

I am still reading – but I am finding that reading about learning to live the Dharma, learning to live more skillfully is not always as illuminating and inspirational as the discussions. A while ago I read Vajragupta’s “Buddhism: Tools for living your life” and am now reading Maitreyabandhu’s “The Journey Guide”. Both excellent books written by deeply spiritual knowledgable men. Both books are full of practical advice on advancing my Buddhist life – on moving forwards on my journey to become more Tee. But… (and this may just be me. I know of at least one person who found “Tools for living your life” very helpful) I do not find inspiration from them. I have read books on Buddhism which have been very inspirational – those by Sangharakshita, autobiographies and Vajragupta’s “Sailing the Worldly Winds”. But these two books ( and others) which set out tools, exercises to follow etc do not “do it for me”.

Yesterday evening at my regular Sangha evening I realised why. The evening was centred on speech – avoiding harsh, false, frivolous, slanderous speech. After our usual meditation, tea and biscuits there was a short presentation from an order member with his friend, another order member, chipping in. The presentation was informal but clear and incisive. It was filled with personal experience and humour. Afterwards we all started joining in with the discussion – there was a lot of deep thinking, practical examples, potential pitfalls and problems. And there was humour and laughter. This evening showed the joy that living the Dharma life can bring. The contentment. The sense of wonderment. As well as the difficulty of living this life especially in the world as it is now. This evening showed that my journey is not an easy one and will never be an easy one. That I will struggle, question why I am even trying to do it, fail – but it’s certainly not a miserable one. How can it be with those friends? How an it be with the Sangha? And I think that this is what can be missing from texts / books – at least for me.

I have another “issue” with Maitreyabandhu’s book too. Again a personal thing. Throughout the book he keeps talking about the importance of having the same gender spiritual friends. He mentions it several times. I know that I have friends who strongly agree with him and it is important to the Triratna tradition. But I cannot agree wholeheartedly with this view. I am developing strong spiritual friendships with some amazing women but I am also doing the same with some amazing men. I find that I gain so much from my friendship with the men in my Sangha.

Going forth

Last night I managed to get to a Sangha night for the first time in ages. It was a special night. We were celebrating the going forth of a dear friend. I haven’t known her that long but she is in my heart forever. She is the most wise, the most spiritual, the most caring person I have ever met. She is going on her three month ordination retreat in Spain. She is climbing a mountain- quite literally. She will come back with a different name; she will come back as the wonderful person she is but more so.

Ordination – such a beautiful and serious thing! Takes a lot of work, certainty and courage. I will do this one day. I am far from ready to go on the journey but I can start to prepare.

Go forth Alex. Go well. Sadhu

Doing my best

These two weeks are tough. Trying to come to terms with my Dad’s death, arranging his funeral with my brother, trying to support my mum. A few 200 mile trips to Hereford. And moving house at the same time. I must admit to being beyond tired. In among all of that have been the days I have actually got to work – look at data, answer emails and go to meetings. Sleep isn’t really happening – well not enough of it anyway. I just want some “normal”.

I am constantly reminding myself that my house sale is a good thing! It may be stressful at the moment but it is the doorway to a different way of living. So I must remember that this is a new positive beginning.

In many ways I am handling it all “ok” – much better than I would have done before I found Buddhism – the three jewels have helped me tremendously. I have been able to feel the emotion of it all more than I would have done in the past whilst still handling it. I have been a better support to Mum I think. And to my girls who loved their Grandad.

My friends – both Buddhist and otherwise have been amazingly supportive. One looking after Pretzel even though she can be a bit of a pain (cute but still a pain!). Another helping me with loads of tip runs. This practical support has made it all possible. Hugs / emails / texts / sympathy cards all help me to feel loved and cared about. One lovely lovely friend cooked me dinner and we just talked. Many friends have offered practical help which may well be taken up!

So yes I am handling it. It shows me that I have moved at least a little way in my quest to become more Tee. I know that I could help myself more – be more skillful in my actions. More meditation would be better than the few glasses of wine to which I have succumbed. I could be eating more healthily. But I have to accept that I am not perfect – far from it!

These two weeks will pass. They are just a moment in time. I just have to take each moment as it comes and try to act as skillfully as possible.