Contentment

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Sitting on a bench on Hastings seafront. I have just parked in Priory Meadow – multi storeys are always fun / interesting / fraught with the dangerous possibilities of scraped paintwork.  Much better with my new small cute car though.  Walked through the modern centre then through the Old Town with its fascinating shops, bars and cafes

Sitting here – there are children playing in the playground, families playing mini golf. Walkers, dogs. Joggers.

It’s a bit chilly – it’s not the sunshine and heat of last weekend. My whole body hurts (inflamed joints – the doctor is on the case trying to find out the cause) and I am having to walk very slowly. My bag feels very heavy. But it’s lovely just to have the time and the space to explore my new town a little.

I have just passed a Vegan Cafe with a very friendly, welcoming sign….  I will have to go there sometime soon.

I am becoming better at living in the moment: appreciating what I am doing. Moments like this make me realise how lucky I am. I never really enjoyed living in the South East – I was always planning my escape.  Always too busy feeling sorry for myself and looking at the negative.   The last 18 months have been very stressful and unhappy. But now, my life is stabilising. Not everything is perfect – some things are far from perfect – but I can see and feel the joy again. I can truly and sincerely say that I love being here, in Hastings and St Leonard’s. It’s where I should be at this moment, for this time.

A wonderful life-changing retreat

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I went on my second ever retreat for the Easter weekend.  What a lovely, relaxing, spiritual time spent with some lovely people.  22 Buddhists all gathered in a beautiful country house to meditate, discuss, reflect and explore friendship – the whole of the spiritual life.  Phones were turned off.  There was a period of silence.  It was an amazing calming and refreshing time.  A time in which lives were changed forever.

The sun was shining that weekend.  There was time to walk, sit in the sun, read and reflect.  I spent some of my time writing.  On Sunday afternoon, during the silence, I sat outside of the summer house in an extremely comfortable chair and wrote:

I am sitting in a very comfortable chair.  I need that else my painful body is far too much of a distraction.  People are scattered around me – reading, writing, walking.  Down the slight hill is a pond – a pond which is covered in algae because (I think) it helps to support the waste eco system.  It is still beautiful and tranquil.  Surrounded by green lawns, bushes and a bright splash of yellow flowers.  Two ducks live on the pond.  They are always together, swimming one just slightly behind the other.  The backdrop to these rolling lawns and pond is a wood.  Further on in the wood there are carpets of bluebells, pockets of primroses – although they cannot be viewed from here.  All to be seen immediately is a tapestry of trees.  At first glance, the trees are all beautiful shades of green, all alive and vibrant.  Some with big, flamboyant leaves, others with more delicate ones.  But mixed in with this tapestry of greenery are shades of brown.  Some trees do not look as alert and alive.  They may well experience a re-becoming further on in the year as spring turns to summer.  One tree is a deep russet brown, almost red.  It is fiery.  It towers over a lot of the other trees.  The blue sky is its backdrop.  The sky was a picture book blue earlier on.  I remember a jigsaw I did when a child (I was addicted to jigsaws back then).  This jigsaw had just green and blue pieces – a thousand of them.  Just trees and sky.  this could be that jigsaw.  But now the sky has faded a little – a paler blue, almost white in places.  Still no clouds though.  As I turn my head just slightly to the left I see the stunning show-off that is the magnolia tree.  Pale pink flowers against the bright green of its leave.  Two / three / fours shades delicately painted on each flower.

My favourite tree cannot be seen from here.  It is a favourite of mine and a friend.  It forms an archway between the gravel car park and the garden.  The brilliant pink rhododendron tree.

A beautiful weekend which reminded me of the need to be more mindful.  To live in the present.  To enjoy and be grateful for what is happening now.

Learning to live the Dharma

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I learn from reading.  I have always learnt by reading.   Books have been my source of knowledge for as long as I can remember.  However, mixed into this has been those few, rare lucky times when I can discuss what I have been reading with others.  This happened a lot at university in tutorials or with a friend who was doing the same courses.  Also during my MA when I sent a few hours per week in tutorials.  These discussions have always started with the text, the question and then have expanded to our lives and ways of living.  Since then – until now – I have not had these opportunities.  I had not realised how much I had missed the discussion and the potential for deeper personal growth.

Now I am fortunate enough to have found these opportunities for discussion again.  With people from my Sangha – either at Sangha evenings or at my Dharma Training Course.  And at retreats.  Every so often I meet up with Buddhist friends and we discuss the Dharma.  These discussions always deepen my understanding and lead me to thinking and acting more skillfully.

I am still reading – but I am finding that reading about learning to live the Dharma, learning to live more skillfully is not always as illuminating and inspirational as the discussions.  A while ago I read Vajragupta’s “Buddhism: Tools for living your life” and am now reading Maitreyabandhu’s “The Journey Guide”.  Both excellent books written by deeply spiritual knowledgable men.  Both books are full of practical advice on advancing my Buddhist life – on moving forwards on my journey to become more Tee.  But… (and this may just be me.  I know of at least one person who found “Tools for living your life” very helpful) I do not find inspiration from them.  I have read books on Buddhism which have been very inspirational – those by Sangharakshita, autobiographies and Vajragupta’s “Sailing the Worldly Winds”.  But these two books ( and others) which set out tools, exercises to follow etc do not “do it for me”.

Yesterday evening at my regular Sangha evening I realised why.  The evening was centred on speech – avoiding harsh, false, frivolous, slanderous speech.  After our usual meditation, tea and biscuits there was a short presentation from an order member with his friend, another order member, chipping in.  The presentation was informal but clear and incisive.  It was filled with personal experience and humour.  Afterwards we all started joining in with the discussion – there was a lot of deep thinking, practical examples, potential pitfalls and problems.  And there was humour and laughter.  This evening showed the joy that living the Dharma life can bring.  The contentment.  The sense of wonderment.  As well as the difficulty of living this life especially in the world as it is now.  This evening showed that my journey is not an easy one and will never be an easy one. That I will struggle, question why I am even trying to do it, fail – but it’s certainly not a miserable one.  How can it be with those friends? How an it be with the Sangha?  And I think that this is what can be missing from texts / books  – at least for me.

I have another “issue” with Maitreyabandhu’s book too. Again a personal thing. Throughout the book he keeps talking about the importance of having the same gender spiritual friends. He mentions it several times. I know that I have friends who strongly agree with him and it is important to the Triratna tradition. But I cannot agree wholeheartedly with this view. I am developing strong spiritual friendships with some amazing women but I am also doing the same with some amazing men. I find that I gain so much from my friendship with the men in my Sangha.

Going forth

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Last night I managed to get to a Sangha night for the first time in ages. It was a special night. We were celebrating the going forth of a dear friend. I haven’t known her that long but she is in my heart forever. She is the most wise, the most spiritual, the most caring person I have ever met. She is going on her three month ordination retreat in Spain. She is climbing a mountain- quite literally. She will come back with a different name; she will come back as the wonderful person she is but more so.

Ordination – such a beautiful and serious thing! Takes a lot of work, certainty and courage. I will do this one day. I am far from ready to go on the journey but I can start to prepare.

Go forth Alex. Go well. Sadhu

At last a little normality and space

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I saw a woodpecker today – feeding on the suet balls that someone had hung on a tree outside my caravan. I didn’t believe it at first but he kept coming back. It’s hard to explain or even know why this made me so happy and excited. The last time I saw one was years ago when I lived in the country – four woodpeckers – mum, dad and two babies – pecking at the grass. And then there was a squirrel 🐿 hanging upside down trying to get at the feeders. Of course, I have seen plenty of these in the last few years at the park. Was still exciting to see it from my settee though!  I wouldn’t even have noticed these things a few days ago!

Concentrating on my work properly today – catching up on emails and ticking a couple of things off my to do list.  Arranging long over due meetings.  And a trip around the supermarket with my daughter – doing a proper shop;  a planned shop.  Not just a supermarket dash type affair for a few random things.  A leisurely shower.  Managing to read a chapter of a book without falling asleep.

I feel as if I am slowly escaping the stress of the past few weeks.  I am still tired.  I still ache.  The bruise on my ribs from where I fell off off the chair I was standing on is still in evidence – and hurts.  But I have experienced some normal.

And I love this life.  The caravan needs some tweaks (decking outside to prevent a very naughty, speedy little Pretzel from escaping, a bigger fridge freezer, better beds for my girls…) but it is home.  My daughters still need chance to get used to it – the smallness of the bedrooms and the eccentricities of the shower.

So I can see a few more days adjusting, trying to catch up on sleep and then I can continue my journey properly.  Of course, this has all been part of my journey but now I can be more intentional again.

The joys of normality and space.

Another busy day

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Another day of unpacking and trying to find a home for far to much stuff!  I still cannot work out how to use the oven so no pizza for me this evening!  Pretzel has escaped three times because she just dashes out the door at top speed whenever it is opened…  Need to get the fenced decking sorted so that she is better contained.  And I have looked at the launderette – so complicated!  What is this card I have to use?  Arghhh.

Despite the tedious unpacking and the odd problems, I have had a good day.  I have no deadline – for the first time in weeks.  I can get things done at my own pace.  I enjoyed my short trip into Hastings.  I enjoyed waking around the site with Pretzel trying to get my bearings.  I now have caravan envy – some of the vans are so wonderful.  I have found some ideas for decking though.  Lots of people were siting outside today in the sunshine.  Some were sitting at the Club House – I haven’t ventured there yet.  Would be a lot nicer with someone to go with.  I am currently Billy No Mates lol.

I am falling in love with this place.  My van is in a really good spot…  Not too noisy.  I like the compactness of it.  I stayed with a friend who lives in a 4 berth touring van a couple of times last year – I loved the simplicity of it.   I remember it as a very peaceful home.  My van is a lot bigger and I have so much more stuff!  And I will have two teenagers living here too.  But I still love it.  The site is strangely quiet considering its size and the number of families who live here.  and all of the vans and plots are different.  I loved the little bit of Hastings I experienced too.  I am excited to see more.

As I was unpacking, I started realising that there is a lot of things that I haven’t had a chance to do recently – reading, crochet, walking.  I want to do more art – maybe mandalas.  I have not had the chance to meet up with friends.  I haven’t meditated enough.  I haven’t been to the park or the beach.  I have missed so many Sangha nights because I was in Hereford.    I haven’t even cooked myself proper meals.   My life has consisted of driving, packing, grieving and organising…   And today I realised that I had got into the habit of collapsing on the settee at the end of the day with Netflix / Amazon Prime and a drink.  Not skillful at all.  I have also realised that it is going to be very difficult to get back into good habits / skillful living again.

 

 

Moving in..

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Well I am here! After a very stressful few days of clearing my house I have moved to my caravan.

I am surrounded by boxes and bags. There is definitely too much stuff here! Because of unexpected trips to Hereford, I could not do the number of charity shop and tip runs that I had hoped for. I cannot work our how to operate the oven: my bathroom light isn’t working and I have very confused pets.

But I love my caravan. I think that I will be very happy here. And doing this has allowed me to hand in my notice at work… a start of a new life.

This couple of weeks have been so stressful and hard. My Dad. His funeral. Trips to Hereford. Packing up a house. I am so grateful to my friends who have helped me. Also those from my Sangha who have been there for me. I have been boring on the subject I am sure but people have been there ready to help me in whatever way they could. It is times like this when you learn who are truly your friends. Some could do nothing practically but contacted me most days to make sure that I was ok. This meant so much.

So a step on my journey! A giant step after such a horrible 16 months.

Nearly done …

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I am sitting here in the house that I have lived in for 8 1/2 years. All the furniture has gone. There are just boxes and stuff to be taken to the caravan, me, two unhappy cats and a very disturbed Pretzel. I am a little tired. The last two weeks have been manic – trying to move but more importantly my Dad. He died. He died! How did that happen? He was meant to last for a few years yet! So a funeral to help arrange, a tribute to write … lots of 200 mile trips to Hereford. A funeral taking place in a crowded chapel in sunshine.

So now I am sitting here propped up on cushions surrounded by stuff. My heart aches. My body is in pain – my back has never been good and the rest of my body has decided to follow suit. I feel a bit lonely. I realise that I am still hurting, still in pain from a failed relationship. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount I have to get done by Friday morning. I am feeling a little sad about leaving this house which holds so many memories.

Reminding myself that this move is such a positive thing. I am continuing on my journey – this is a huge step. It was never going to be easy. This move will mean a new life for me and for my girls. A new life on which I can take time to meditate, help others and be a better mum.

So I have to take a deep breath and keep going!

Doing my best

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These two weeks are tough. Trying to come to terms with my Dad’s death, arranging his funeral with my brother, trying to support my mum. A few 200 mile trips to Hereford. And moving house at the same time. I must admit to being beyond tired.  In among all of that have been the days I have actually got to work – look at data, answer emails and go to meetings.   Sleep isn’t really happening – well not enough of it anyway. I just want some “normal”.

I am constantly reminding myself that my house sale is a good thing!  It may be stressful at the moment but it is the doorway to a different way of living.  So I must remember that this is a new positive beginning.

In many ways I am handling it all “ok” – much better than I would have done before I found Buddhism – the three jewels have helped me tremendously.  I have been able to feel the emotion of it all more than I would have done in the past whilst still handling it. I have been a better support to Mum I think.  And to my girls who loved their Grandad.

My friends – both Buddhist and otherwise have been amazingly supportive.  One looking after Pretzel even though she can be a bit of a pain (cute but still a pain!).  Another helping me with loads of tip runs.  This practical support has made it all possible.  Hugs / emails / texts / sympathy cards all help me to feel loved and cared about.  One lovely lovely friend cooked me dinner and we just talked.  Many friends have offered practical help which may well be taken up!

So yes I am handling it.  It shows me that I have moved at least a little way in my quest to become more Tee.   I know that I could help myself more – be more skillful in my actions.  More meditation would be better than the few glasses of wine to which I have succumbed.  I could be eating more healthily.   But I have to accept that I am not perfect – far from it!

These two weeks will pass.  They are just a moment in time.  I just have to take each moment as it comes and try to act as skillfully as possible.