The second arrow

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Nothing is certain. Just because something is planned, it doesn’t mean that it will happen. Nothing reminds me of that more than a sudden sickness bug which cancels all my plans, work and normal life for a couple of days. It’s not serious. It’s a couple of days. But it’s hard not to be annoyed, upset and infuriated by it. I should be out on a Pretzel walk now but feel a bit too queasy. To allow myself to be annoyed or upset by this is the infamous second arrow. The first arrow is the illness – inflicted by something outside of my control. If I don’t just accept that first arrow with equanimity, I send in a second, self inflicted arrow which seems to do much more damage. Dukkha (suffering, unsatisfactoriness) is caused by that second arrow.

One of my lovely ordained friends – when he makes plans – always says “all being well”. Some of us have taken to doing this “I will go to Hereford this weekend, all being well”. “I will meet you for coffee, all being well”. It is a recognition that I might want it to happen but it may not.

So this is the second day of feeling very nauseous. I have chosen not to send in the second arrow. I have chosen to try to just accept it as what it is. And it allows me permission to stop and rest. And anyway Pretzel is perfectly happy curled up on my bed.

All being well…

So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.

And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.

Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.

I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.

This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.

The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.

And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.

I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx

I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.

The courage to take a new path

The poem below was read at the beginning of a meditation in the Shrine Room on the retreat I went to at the weekend. It made such utter sense to me! It summed up my life so perfectly. Talking with others, it made sense to them too. Some felt that they were still walking down the same path and falling down the hole whilst others felt that, at least, they were climbing out more quickly.

There needs to be several things in place to be able to choose to walk down another path. There has to be the recognition that we keep choosing the same path which leads us to the the same place, to fall down the same hole, to make the same mistakes over and over. We must have the knowledge that we can do more than just skirting around the hole; to know that the same problems will continue to arise for as long as we continue down the same route, travel the same course. We must understand that there is another way even if it is hidden by social convention, our ignorance, our fears. We must have the courage to take another path. We have to be aware that there will be people, things, events that we will leave behind on the old path. Most people will stay where they are. Things will look different on the new path, a lot of them will not be of any use or will be an hindrance. New events / outcomes will result from taking a new way. We must want to take the new path enough to look for it and learn how to navigate it. We may even have to create some of that path for ourselves; it might not yet fully exist. Most of all we must have the courage to take this new path, to walk where we have never even considered walking before, to walk away from what is known, to face the fear of the new.

“We can ask ourselves how much we have given up because of fear? How have we tried to protect ourselves from all that is threatening to who we believe ourselves to be, from all that is outside whatever small comfort zone we’ve created for ourselves? How has it felt to live in this degree of defendedness? Everything we long for is beyond the wall of fear”

(Kathleen Dowling Singh)

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

My first retreat

I came back from my first retreat earlier today, a few hours ago. The world outside of the retreat centre seems loud and busy; I feel a little disoriented. It was a life changing weekend in which I fully realised my path.

This morning – just after I got out of bed – I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:

I am writing this through the period of silence which started last night after the beautiful Puja and is carrying on through this morning’s meditation until breakfast. My back hurts, my hand can hardly hold the pen but I am deeply content and happy. Not happy in the euphoric, roller coaster, worldly sense, but in the way of being at peace.

There are so many things I can write about this weekend – the people, the shrine room (which still makes me gasp even though I have spent quite some time in it now), the beauty of Rivendell itself… My deepening sense of belonging in this Buddhist world. I could talk about how blessed I feel to have been introduced to this community and how joyous it has made me to feel useful to others. This is an introductory retreat so people are new to Buddhism. A few people have come up to me, given me a hug and told them how I have helped them over the weekend.

Three main thoughts:

I have felt a dissonance / disconnection between my need to stay calm and walk / sail my course through the onslaught of the worldly winds which batter and torment me and the need to feel love / compassion – metta. This weekend I feel the love. I feel compassion. I thought that I would spend some time reading but have not opened a book. I have recommended books to others but have put to one side the strongly intellectual part of me which always seems to take over. Not deliberately. It just happened that way. So instead I have been immersing myself in friendship, meditation, love, discussion, I can feel my love returning, It hadn’t gone away it had just got trapped as someone suggested to me. Saturday morning during a meditation I could feel tears running down my face. That was the breakthrough. I have felt a deepening love and friendship with those I already knew and have a connection with. I have made new friends and feel love for everyone here. My heart is connecting with the world again. The importance of Sangha.
I wanted to go on a couple of solitary retreats this year. May still do so. But I think that these group retreats will be much more beneficial to me for a while. I need to develop my connections and love for the Sangha. I grow through love, friendship and discussion. Solitary retreats hold a danger for me – that I will just revert solely to my intellectual self. My intellectual self is an important part of me but I need to work in my Sangha.
One day I will be ordained. I have an important role model in a very dear friend who gave a talk last night. I want to help others through this journey, along this path. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. Not yet. When the conditions are right.

I will need to reflect on this retreat over the coming days and weeks. I have already booked my next one.

The sun will always rise… This morning’s Pretzel walk

The alarm went off far to early this morning. I hadn’t had a great night’s sleep and I just did not want to get out of bed. My back and joints had done their usual thing of seizing up over night so I knew that I was in for some pain until my body had loosened up. Mechanically, like a robot in mind and body, I went through my morning routine until I came to the point where Pretzel had her lead on and I was ready to go for our walk.

I so nearly did not step out of the door this morning. I felt all of the strong winds battering me and I just wanted to take shelter. But habit took over and off we went.

The first part of my walk was not enjoyable – and it was totally my fault! The weather was lovely, the moon was still shining and Pretzel was happy to be out for once (she is not a big fan of early morning winter walks). But I was feeling very sorry for myself – those pesky worldly winds were getting just too much. I let myself list all of the things that I felt were “going wrong”. I let myself dwell on the pain in my back, shoulders and legs. The list kept getting longer and longer… Then I came out of my head a little and looked up. The moon was still out – it was beautiful. Obviously, my first thought was a negative one – wishing I had a decent camera so that I could capture it’s beauty! You and I will just have to put up with my substandard iPhone snap! But then something switched in my brain. At my Dharma study last night I had been talking about responding to situations rather than responding… thinking skillfully. So I went back through my long list of woes and considered if there was anything that can be done about them. I came up with one or two things to do which I filed away for later. But, for the most part, I have to leave them be and see what happens. There is nothing to be done.

Just as I came to the end of my list, I heard the beeping of a car horn and turned to see a friend smiling and waving at me. It was at that moment that my mood switched. It was light bulb moment. I realised in that moment that, yes – there is a lot going on. People I love are suffering. My back still hurt! etc etc. But – there is a lot that is right in my life. My friends – so many friends who care about me and check in on me. I remembered all of the cards and presents I received on the day of my Mitra Ceremony and for my birthday. I reflected on the messages of love and support that I have been receiving. I thought about the lovely, beautiful women at my Dharma study last night. And – I am doing what I can to change what isn’t positive in my life. I am doing all that I can at the moment- some things just have to play out as they will.

I turned the corner and was confronted by the sun – cue for another bad picture (cannot always blame the iPhone! I am just not good at taking photos!). The sun will always rise. Whatever is going on in my life… the sun will always rise. The carousel continues to turn. Life is not satisfactory – The first Noble Truth of Buddhism – The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering. If we base our state of mind, our happiness on the changeable world we will be unhappy a lot of the time! My journey to becoming more Tee is helping me to see the truth of suffering and to loosen my grasping, my craving for life to be different.

So I returned home feeling positive and ready to face the day. Those winds are still blowing as they were when I awoke this morning. But, at least for now, I am navigating my way through them a little better.

The Four Noble Truths:

The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering. We always want things to be different
The truth of the origin of Dukkha – craving, grasping. The way that we look for satisfaction actually causes us more suffering
Dukkha can be overcome. We can go beyond suffering and dissatisfaction
We can follow a progressive path of spiritual development that affects every aspect of how we live our lives. We will then no longer build our quest for happiness on getting short-lived pleasure. If we have peace of mind we can weather any storm.

“You have the direction… now to find the steps”

I have found myself in a state of confusion over the past few days. Not able to reconcile the need to accept the suffering and even the death of a loved one with equanimity with the need not to become cold and unfeeling. With the need to show others that I do care, I do love whilst still remaining calm and present.

Because of all of the stuff that has been going on, I have been reading and reflecting a lot on how to keep calm, live in the present moment and how to keep sailing a smooth path through loud, swirling winds. As you can see from my last post, I have read Tolle’s “Power of Now”. I have also had “Sailing the Worldly Winds” by Vajragupta recommended to me so I am reading that. I have been bringing to mind the impermanence of everything including life; I have pondered on Dukkha – the general unsatisfactoriness of life. Somehow I am standing in the middle of it all keeping calm (mostly) and letting things take their course.

But …. But how do I do this and not turn back to the person I used to be? How do I manage to keep in the present moment responding rather than reacting to my emotions without returning to the person who used to hide her emotions behind very strong walls? How do I work my way through the seeming paradox of reacting skillfully, remembering that everything has an ending and caring deeply? How can I be present for those I love in their suffering and not appear to be disinterested and cold? How do I continue to “become more Tee”? How do I find this path? What am I looking for? A friend said that I “have the direction, now to find the steps”.

Yesterday evening, I went to my Buddhist Meeting as usual. Every time I attend a Sangha meeting or meet up with friends from the Sangha I am struck by their calm, their sense of peace and the loving kindness / metta which flows from them. As we meditated, talked over tea and listened to the talks, I realised that metta is the key to this seeming paradox. I have not yet worked how but know that I am on the right path, taking the correct steps. This may well be obvious to everyone else – I may just be very slow on the uptake!

I know that I need to reflect more on this. I definitely need and intend to practise the Metta Bhavana Meditation. In this practice we cultivate loving kindness beginning with ourselves and eventually spreading it out to all sentient beings.

“The teachings on love by the Buddha are clear, scientific and applicable… Love, compassion, joy and equanimity are the very nature of an enlightened person. They are the four aspects of true love within ourselves and within everyone and everything”

Thich Nhat Hanh

I am not sure about this post… I feel that I have not adequately explained what I feel and the dilemma I face. I am not sure that I have described my small glimmer of light very well. But I am going to post this anyway. Things are not always straightforward. Some things need to be pondered upon and thought through for a while so that they become less twisted and tangled. In the writing and reflecting I will take a step or two forward. I am sure that I will come to these reflections.

Becoming a Mitra

I am writing this just as I am getting ready to go to my Mitra Ceremony. I am looking forward to making the public declaration that I am a Buddhist. That I am practising the Dharma. That I want to be a Buddhist within the Triratna community. I look forward to declaring this within the Eastbourne Sangha.

There is one person who I wish could be with me this evening to witness this. The man who introduced me to all of this in the first place. He changed my life. He showed me the path which I now walk. So I would have liked him with me this evening. But he has wished me well and will be thinking of me.

After the ceremony

What an amazing, inspirational, beautiful, magical evening. I felt surrounded by love and support. A lovely friend who has been with me throughout my Buddhist journey surprised me by coming along. People stood up and said such lovely things about me – about my conviction, my energy. They called me a warrior and one praised me for my courage. We did a three stage Metta Bhavana meditation- and the second stage was centred on me. The tears threatened to flow.

I was right to be nervous about the candles ! I ended up putting all of the candles out trying to light mine! Then someone went in search of the lighter .. which somehow didn’t work! Fortunately someone had come armed with a lighter … It was fine – everyone was laughing and it didn’t take away from the occasion. It certainly made for an unique mitra ceremony! It could only happen to me.

I have so many cards and presents – the cards have such touching thoughtful messages. I also have the flowers from the shrine.

So I am now a Mitra. It feels such an important step. I feel energised. I have the tools to keep going forward in my life. I have a lovely set of friends who are always there for me and me for them. I am part of a beautiful community. I still have everything going on in my life. I have many challenges to face and life is not always satisfactory – there is much suffering. People who I love dearly are suffering. The situation I am in hasn’t got any better! In fact, it has got significantly worse over the last couple of weeks. But the way that I deal with it and the way in which I approach it has changed.

I asked for a poem to be read at my ceremony which sums it all up wonderfully. Someone commented that this poem was perfect for me. That I walked into the Sangha with a mission, a purpose.

THE JOURNEY BY MARY OLIVER

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

I have a date for my Mitra Ceremony!

I feel that I am a Buddhist
I am trying to practise the five precepts
I feel that the Triratna Buddhist Community is the main context in which I want to deepen my practice

Mitra is a Sanskrit word meaning friend. Mitras are people who have made what is called a “provisional” commitment to practising the Dharma within the Triratna Buddhist Order. There is a special ceremony which takes place where the would-be mitra is making the three declarations listed above. The ceremony itself is a simple yet beautiful one. Unfortunately for someone as clumsy as me, it does have plenty of opportunities to drop things or set the place on fire. Please don’t let me set the shrine on fire! I will keep you posted on that one.

This will definitely be a landmark in my journey. It’s represents a commitment to my path

Do not let Mara and his host of Demons disturb your peace

So I had a down patch over the weekend. It didn’t last long. See previous post for details of my self inflicted angst. And yesterday I felt good and today I feel the same. Part of that is the realisation that my future is not preordained; my future does not have to be boring and pedantic. I can do things – have adventures. And now is not awful. Now is tough in many ways but it is not awful. Lots of now is good and positive.

So I have been following Instagram accounts showing camper van conversions and travel. I have stalked hikers/photographers who post pictures of mountains and beaches – beauty. I have read Ben Fogle’s book on climbing Everest (- few posts ago – and no I won’t be climbing Everest in this lifetime, maybe the next lol). And I am currently reading a book by an amazing woman Anna McNuff running her way across New Zealand… No I will not be doing that either! I am thinking camper van, New Zealand. I am thinking wild camping and hiking. I am thinking of travelling to the places where I have always wanted to go. For the first time in many years I can see that life can be fun again.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life with my daughters. They are lovely human beings and my relationship with them is slowly changing as they grow into these amazing young women. I love my dog, my cats. My house is comfortable and warm . I still have vivid memories of the joy of walking into it on the day I moved in. I have amazing friends who I love seeing for game evenings and cups of tea. i have my Buddhist group and the people there who have very quickly become very important to me. But I couldn’t see past this life. I couldn’t see past the day when my girls left to start their adventures. I thought that this is it! Me alone sitting in this house, working with data for the rest of my life. A very sad and pathetic picture! I just couldn’t see a way out. I felt trapped. I escaped from the cage for a little while last year when I had a period of time in which I had a plan, a journey. It was going to be glorious – but that wasn’t to be. (Note to self – don’t put my key to happiness in someone else’s pocket.)

Now I am allowing myself to enjoy my life as it is currently. Buddhist meetings and Dharma study. Pretzel walks. My girls. JD and Smirnoff cuddles. Seeing friends. And on selling my house my immediate future will be fun and challenging – I am imagining walking, photography and camping. And into the future more adventure and maybe do that PhD that I always wanted to do (did a year but had to stop cos of an extremely bad back – another story ). I am imagining time to read, study, learn more about and practice Buddhism skillfully.

It might seem as if I have huge mood swings constantly flying from sadness and depression up to happiness and excitement for the future. I guess that, in some ways, this has been true of me in the past. I don’t mean the extreme mood swings that some people get because of mental illness etc but there has often been noticeable shifts. I felt like I was on a roller coaster which I allowed to take me on great highs and then the lows. Now I try to keep my mood more stable, more positive. I appreciate the good times but try not to be too sad when they are over. I have recognised that my mood is more affected by my thoughts and reactions to my emotions than to outside influences / events. I now see that nothing is permanent so I try to enjoy and relish the good times and, when bad things happen, remember that all is impermanent. “This too shall pass“.

Last night I went to my Dharma Training Study Group where we were discussing the mythology around the life of Buddha. We looked at the story of Mara and his demons throwing stones, arrows and flames at the Buddha. But as they reached his aura of light they all turned into flowers and fell. The Buddha remained unmoved by the attack. One of the women at the group – a truly wise and spiritual woman – likened these stones, arrows and flames to our negative thoughts, people’s opinions and words of discouragement, less than positive outside influences. We have to learn to let them turn to flowers and fall before they have a chance to invade our peace.

Obviously I have not perfected this way of living, of being yet. Silly things still get me down and make me miserable or angry (or both). But I keep trying and, as a I try, I succeed more often.

I do recommend that you read the book by Anna McNuff. It’s one of the prime reading books on Amazon Prime

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/199976580X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_YMYrCb0G4AMMS

Feeling “ok” is enough

Last night was challenging. I had had a productive day – got things done. I had walked Pretzel and got in my steps. I’d been to Tesco, done some chores. I’d written a blog post. Someone had viewed my house. All seemed good. I was all set for an evening of Grace and Frankie, crochet, sparkling water and cuddles with Pretzel, JD and Smirnoff.

But then – out of nowhere – a huge wave of sadness and depression swept over me. I suddenly felt drained and tired. I remembered a particularly lovely night last week and mourned its passing. All of my optimism and positivity ran out of the door chased by dark terrible shadows. My evening of solitude switched from being a happy one to something sad. I don’t understand how that happened! No event occurred, there was no change in plans… the situation was the same but my thoughts and emotions changed in a ridiculous way.

So what did I do? Go with my first impulse and pop across to the shop for a bottle of wine? No – no I didn’t. I sat thinking about doing so for quite a while – I could almost taste the wine. But I resisted. Why didn’t I go for this option? Well my stubbornness helped – I had said that I was doing Dry January as a precursor to trying to stop drinking for good. Also I had already updated the App to say that I hadn’t had alcohol yesterday. And – I thought about this blog and how I wouldn’t want to say I had given in. I could have rang / messaged a friend who would have understood I think – but he has his own struggles and things to deal with. It would have been selfish and weak. Don’t get me wrong – often phoning a friend is the right thing to do. But this time – no. I knew that I could get myself out of it. Worrying a friend was not the kind thing to do.

So stubbornness and pride pulled me through to some extent. As did the knowledge that I have to stay strong for those people in my life who depend on me – my girls, my friends. But I was on my own so could have gone back to old unskillful ways of dealing with life just for last night without directly affecting others. Stubbornness, pride…

But there was something else. Something stronger and more positive. My journey, my path. Buddhism: “This too shall pass”; the fifth precept about not letting intoxicants cloud my mind; the idea that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Clear, skilful thinking got me through. I meditated for a while – just to clear my mind and reset. I had a shower. I refilled my glass of sparkling water and I pressed play on “Grace and Frankie”. Pretzel came and snuggled at my side. I retrieved my crochet.

I can’t say that I felt 100% better – but I felt ok. And sometimes “ok” is enough.

I could have come off my path, jumped over the edge and crawled into the dark cave. The cave would have sheltered me from my thoughts and feelings. But they would still have been there waiting for me to emerge. Instead I paused, thought about my options and made the decision to continue on my path.

Since last night a couple of things have happened. Not good things – events which serve as a reminder of how important it is for me to stay strong and present. Today is another difficult day in some ways but “This too shall pass”.

Someone asked me why I am writing this blog – more particularly why I am truthful about my struggles; why I don’t just talk about the good days. I write this blog because writing helps me. It helps me to give my thoughts and feelings some perspective. I put my blog online for many reasons. I like to write. I haven’t written much for years and this encourages me to keep writing and to improve. Another reason is to produce some sort of accountability – I have said I would do something so will try hard. It may be that my blog may help someone who is struggling – I might not have the answers for them but at least I may have things they can try or they can see that they are not alone. So I have to be truthful. Of course there are things I don’t write about because it involves others. I don’t write about my friends or my family in specific terms. But I want this blog to be authentic and to be truthful – so that means the good and the bad; the pretty and the ugly.

So last night I nearly crashed . But somehow held it together using my new, more skillful ways. Believe me that isn’t always the case. Next time I may not be successful – but this time I was. A reminder of my blog image – “what you think you become”.