I have been thinking about this evening’s Sangha meeting all of the way home and then when I took Pretzel out for her evening walk.  Trying to process it all – trying to push through the confusion, sense of shock and deep sadness that I felt, feel.  I have no real understanding of how many of the people at the Sangha night were and are feeling.  The shock, confusion and sorrow were plain to see on their faces and in their words but I cannot comprehend the depth.

An Order Member had taken her own life at the weekend.  I had met her only briefly, once and not really to say more than “Hello”.  For some of the people there tonight, she was a beloved friend of many years.  They had been together in study groups,  Going for Refuge groups and in Kula groups.  They had shared so much.

The evening was devoted to her.  A recent picture of her with her beloved dog was placed on the shrine.  Many spoke of their memories of her. She seems to have been a remarkable woman – energetic, determined, so committed to the Dharma.  She appears to have been very creative, imaginative.  A woman with ideas flowing from her, a woman who saw things differently from others.  Apparently she could be outspoken and forthright.  One Order Member described how everyone always knew when she was in the room.  I wish that I had known her – she seems to have been such an inspirational woman.

Those who knew her well looked after each other this evening, as they will continue to do for as long as is needed.  They mostly sat together, sometimes touching each other, holding hands, sharing their memories of her.  As one spoke, others nodded in agreement and, often, they smiled.  One memory would lead to another.

Throughout the evening there was a distinct air of sadness, shock and confusion, as I have already said.  Tears ran down the faces of many. This lovely woman had seemed to be excited about new projects; she had given no indication that this would happen.  If anyone had noticed anything, she would have had their love and support to help her and cherish her.  I know the process of becoming an Order Member is long and intensive.  The would-be Order Member has to look deeply within her or himself; undergo counselling if needed.  I am just at the start of this journey and know that I will have to go through a lot of soul-searching, delve deeply into my own story and resolve issues that I may have once preferred to keep buried.  And those in the Sangha are so caring and supportive of each other.  There are always opportunities to “check in” and say how things are feeling today, at this moment.  It is so rare for an Order Member to take her / his own life – so rare.  Which makes this so much more tragic, so much more confusing and so very sad.

The Sangha evening was filled with Metta.  I could tell that even those people who had never met her were so touched by the memories of her.  The love that  these women and men have for each other shone through this evening.

As I sat this evening, joining in with the meditation, the chanting of the refuges and precepts, the threefold puja, the mantra, I realised a new love for this Sangha, for those people who are in the Sangha with me.  I am in the Sangha.  I feel its warmth and affection.  The Sangha is one of the Three Jewels – one of the three refuges – one of the three “things” that I can trust to be there for me along with the Buddha and the Dharma.  I feel so honoured, so fortunate to be part of this group of men and women.

A very sad yet beautiful evening.  One that has touched me so deeply.  I know that I will remember those couple of hours for a very long time, probably forever.  I hope that, in time, this remarkable woman’s friends and family come to terms with what has happened to her and manage to achieve some peace.

To Karunabala – with metta