Learning to live the Dharma

I learn from reading. I have always learnt by reading. Books have been my source of knowledge for as long as I can remember. However, mixed into this has been those few, rare lucky times when I can discuss what I have been reading with others. This happened a lot at university in tutorials or with a friend who was doing the same courses. Also during my MA when I sent a few hours per week in tutorials. These discussions have always started with the text, the question and then have expanded to our lives and ways of living. Since then – until now – I have not had these opportunities. I had not realised how much I had missed the discussion and the potential for deeper personal growth.

Now I am fortunate enough to have found these opportunities for discussion again. With people from my Sangha – either at Sangha evenings or at my Dharma Training Course. And at retreats. Every so often I meet up with Buddhist friends and we discuss the Dharma. These discussions always deepen my understanding and lead me to thinking and acting more skillfully.

I am still reading – but I am finding that reading about learning to live the Dharma, learning to live more skillfully is not always as illuminating and inspirational as the discussions. A while ago I read Vajragupta’s “Buddhism: Tools for living your life” and am now reading Maitreyabandhu’s “The Journey Guide”. Both excellent books written by deeply spiritual knowledgable men. Both books are full of practical advice on advancing my Buddhist life – on moving forwards on my journey to become more Tee. But… (and this may just be me. I know of at least one person who found “Tools for living your life” very helpful) I do not find inspiration from them. I have read books on Buddhism which have been very inspirational – those by Sangharakshita, autobiographies and Vajragupta’s “Sailing the Worldly Winds”. But these two books ( and others) which set out tools, exercises to follow etc do not “do it for me”.

Yesterday evening at my regular Sangha evening I realised why. The evening was centred on speech – avoiding harsh, false, frivolous, slanderous speech. After our usual meditation, tea and biscuits there was a short presentation from an order member with his friend, another order member, chipping in. The presentation was informal but clear and incisive. It was filled with personal experience and humour. Afterwards we all started joining in with the discussion – there was a lot of deep thinking, practical examples, potential pitfalls and problems. And there was humour and laughter. This evening showed the joy that living the Dharma life can bring. The contentment. The sense of wonderment. As well as the difficulty of living this life especially in the world as it is now. This evening showed that my journey is not an easy one and will never be an easy one. That I will struggle, question why I am even trying to do it, fail – but it’s certainly not a miserable one. How can it be with those friends? How an it be with the Sangha? And I think that this is what can be missing from texts / books – at least for me.

I have another “issue” with Maitreyabandhu’s book too. Again a personal thing. Throughout the book he keeps talking about the importance of having the same gender spiritual friends. He mentions it several times. I know that I have friends who strongly agree with him and it is important to the Triratna tradition. But I cannot agree wholeheartedly with this view. I am developing strong spiritual friendships with some amazing women but I am also doing the same with some amazing men. I find that I gain so much from my friendship with the men in my Sangha.

The Power of Now

Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now

I have been listening to this as I have walked Pretzel and driven to meetings. It is a book that I am pleased that I have listened to rather than read. Listening to Eckhart Tolle’s words has made me concentrate on them and bring my whole self to them. There are so many messages to reflect upon. It is a book that I will need to keep coming back to.

I think that anyone who has been reading this blog will see that I am working to keep in the now, in the present; trying to prevent my thoughts from disappearing into the past or looking forward into an imagined future. I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and where they are taking me. Because of this awareness, I am sometimes able to step back from my thoughts and focus more on where I am now, in this minute. There is only now. Everything happens in the now. Concentrating / obsessing on the past or future, even wishing life was different is a fruitless endeavour which just brings pain and suffering.

Tolle talks about the Pain Body. The Pain Body is self-created and, once in existence, it wants to survive by any means possible. It will survive by feeding on any negative emotions, situation. It wants to cause or experience pain. It will pretend to be me, take me over, lead me to repeating patterns that will cause me more pain so that it is fed and very much alive within me. Since listening to Tolle talking about the Pain Body, I have reflected on mine. I have seen that I have, unconsciously, been feeding it in the way that I have lived and the choices I have made. Even looking back at the past, wishing it had been different feeds the pain making it deeper. Fantasising about a fantastically happy future or worrying also feeds the pain. “The moment you observe the pain body, feel its energy within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken”.

In previous posts, I have been reflecting on the fact that my life situation has not changed but my perception of it has. Well – my life situation has changed! In many ways it has got worse! More suffering for myself and those who I love. Tolle makes a distinction between one’s life and one’s life situation. Things happen in life. The fact of impermanence means that even happy situations will not last. There will always be pain; pleasure will always be temporary. To find peace, I need to work towards not being dependent upon life being a certain way. I am trying to step back from situations, from my thoughts about them. As a result I feel much more positive, more at peace with what is and where I am.

I have also been reflecting on Tolle’s thoughts on romantic love. To the ego, loving and wanting are the same. True love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or wanting someone to change. The ego uses the other person to cover up feelings of discontentment. In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering. We crave what we cannot have, or what cannot last. Attachment is the usual basis of romantic relationships. We often attach our personal happiness to one person. It is difficult, as you may appreciate, to comment too much on my thinking and learning about attachment in romantic relationships as others are involved. However, I can say that recent experience has shown me that my relationships now (both romantic and others) have much less to do with attachment than in the past. Please – do not for a minute think that I am 100% there! Obviously not. But now, those people I love and care for (romantically or otherwise, I don’t want to change. I don’t need to possess them. I want them to be well and happy, at peace. I can support them and love them by making sure that they know that I am here for them.

Tolle makes a distinction between clock time and psychological time. Clock time is often required so that we can actually live in this world. Time, however, is a construct. We only ever live in the now. There is never a time when life is not lived in the now. But we become trapped into bringing the past and the future into the present so that we step out of the present. Negativity is caused by psychological time and denial of the present moment. Fear, anxiety, etc are caused by thinking of the future; Sadness, regret, guilt arises from devotion to the past. It seems impossible to me at the moment to live totally in the present. I can feel my mind forcing its way into my consciousness and thinking about what has been or what could be. But – I have got better at accepting the present, accepting what is. Not longing for or fearing the future. Not looking back with sadness or nostalgia. I am learning – very slowly – to feel gratitude for what is happening right now; to be aware of my emotions and thoughts right now.

“If you make a mistake in the past and learn from it now, you are using clock time. On the other hand, if you dwell on it mentally, and self-criticism, remorse or guilt come up, then you are making the mistake into “me” and “mine”: You make it part of your sense of self, and it has become psychological time, which is always linked to a false sense of identity“

Do not let Mara and his host of Demons disturb your peace

So I had a down patch over the weekend. It didn’t last long. See previous post for details of my self inflicted angst. And yesterday I felt good and today I feel the same. Part of that is the realisation that my future is not preordained; my future does not have to be boring and pedantic. I can do things – have adventures. And now is not awful. Now is tough in many ways but it is not awful. Lots of now is good and positive.

So I have been following Instagram accounts showing camper van conversions and travel. I have stalked hikers/photographers who post pictures of mountains and beaches – beauty. I have read Ben Fogle’s book on climbing Everest (- few posts ago – and no I won’t be climbing Everest in this lifetime, maybe the next lol). And I am currently reading a book by an amazing woman Anna McNuff running her way across New Zealand… No I will not be doing that either! I am thinking camper van, New Zealand. I am thinking wild camping and hiking. I am thinking of travelling to the places where I have always wanted to go. For the first time in many years I can see that life can be fun again.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my life with my daughters. They are lovely human beings and my relationship with them is slowly changing as they grow into these amazing young women. I love my dog, my cats. My house is comfortable and warm . I still have vivid memories of the joy of walking into it on the day I moved in. I have amazing friends who I love seeing for game evenings and cups of tea. i have my Buddhist group and the people there who have very quickly become very important to me. But I couldn’t see past this life. I couldn’t see past the day when my girls left to start their adventures. I thought that this is it! Me alone sitting in this house, working with data for the rest of my life. A very sad and pathetic picture! I just couldn’t see a way out. I felt trapped. I escaped from the cage for a little while last year when I had a period of time in which I had a plan, a journey. It was going to be glorious – but that wasn’t to be. (Note to self – don’t put my key to happiness in someone else’s pocket.)

Now I am allowing myself to enjoy my life as it is currently. Buddhist meetings and Dharma study. Pretzel walks. My girls. JD and Smirnoff cuddles. Seeing friends. And on selling my house my immediate future will be fun and challenging – I am imagining walking, photography and camping. And into the future more adventure and maybe do that PhD that I always wanted to do (did a year but had to stop cos of an extremely bad back – another story ). I am imagining time to read, study, learn more about and practice Buddhism skillfully.

It might seem as if I have huge mood swings constantly flying from sadness and depression up to happiness and excitement for the future. I guess that, in some ways, this has been true of me in the past. I don’t mean the extreme mood swings that some people get because of mental illness etc but there has often been noticeable shifts. I felt like I was on a roller coaster which I allowed to take me on great highs and then the lows. Now I try to keep my mood more stable, more positive. I appreciate the good times but try not to be too sad when they are over. I have recognised that my mood is more affected by my thoughts and reactions to my emotions than to outside influences / events. I now see that nothing is permanent so I try to enjoy and relish the good times and, when bad things happen, remember that all is impermanent. “This too shall pass“.

Last night I went to my Dharma Training Study Group where we were discussing the mythology around the life of Buddha. We looked at the story of Mara and his demons throwing stones, arrows and flames at the Buddha. But as they reached his aura of light they all turned into flowers and fell. The Buddha remained unmoved by the attack. One of the women at the group – a truly wise and spiritual woman – likened these stones, arrows and flames to our negative thoughts, people’s opinions and words of discouragement, less than positive outside influences. We have to learn to let them turn to flowers and fall before they have a chance to invade our peace.

Obviously I have not perfected this way of living, of being yet. Silly things still get me down and make me miserable or angry (or both). But I keep trying and, as a I try, I succeed more often.

I do recommend that you read the book by Anna McNuff. It’s one of the prime reading books on Amazon Prime

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/199976580X/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_YMYrCb0G4AMMS

Ben Fogle – Up

One of my heroes has to be Ben Fogle. I admire his courage and his perseverance in tackling physically demanding challenges. I am slightly jealous and in awe of the way in which he has built his career and life around his passion for travel and adventure. I love his TV series on people who have managed to escape “normal life”, the rat race and are living differently. So “Up” was definitely on my list of books to read.

I actually ended up getting it as my free audible book. It was a different experience for me – listening to a book rather than reading it. I listened whilst walking Pretzel on her daily / sometimes twice daily walks so finished it in a few days.

I enjoyed it. I liked the fact that it was read by Ben and Marina – it brought something special to the account. I was intrigued by his internal debates on being a good father whilst being true to himself. His respect for his fellow climbers and for Victoria was evident throughout as was his love for his family. I was interested in the process of climbing Everest. The book portrayed a man who was very aware of his responsibilities towards others – sometimes overly so! He seemed to think that other people – his father-in-law, Victoria – were his responsibility when in fact they had made the decision themselves to join the trip. It showed someone who struggled at school but has managed to be successful despite that. It showed someone who actually lives a very privileged middle class sort of life with lots of holidays to exotic places. I think that his children are very fortunate to have Ben and Marina as parents. They encourage physical activity and taking risks; they are able to travel and see a lot of the world. Marina’s chapters were a definite asset to the book. I liked her writing style and she came across as a very strong, likable woman obviously devoted to her family.

But – I was left feeling a little dissatisfied with “UP”. Ben’s TV programmes always leave me wanting to know more. He only seemed to scratch the surface of the monk’s solitary life and the nomadic life of the couple walking the world. The TV programme on Everest felt the same so I was hoping that the book would go deeper. I wanted to know more about the process, about the practice climbs. I wanted to hear more about Victoria and her struggles – in some ways her experience would be more interesting than Ben’s. I wanted to hear more about his life when he got home. The book was a little repetitive. Ben came back to the same topics (fatherhood v travel for example) many times without going any deeper, without developing his thoughts; using the same words and phrases.

I did enjoy this book and would recommend it. I just felt that Ben could have gone deeper. It is almost as if he needed to have someone there when he was writing to ask him searching questions, to make him think.

So now I need to listen to another audible book. But I can only have one free one a month (I am taking advantage of the free Amazon Prime 3 month trial) and they look to be quite expensive. Until next month I will have to continue to listen to Podcasts on my Pretzel walks.

Responding to a Facebook Challenge

I was challenged to post 10 books which I love or have had an impact on me ( one a day). It is difficult to choose just 10! For Day One I chose the first book of Simone de Beauvoir’s autobiography which I first read at university many years ago. This book and the subsequent ones showed me that I could choose how I live – although choices have consequences.

For Day Two I have chosen “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. http://amzn.eu/d/2xCjzvB. This is an incredible book which shows the impact trauma of any kind has on the body. Medication and talking therapies are not sufficient to change these physical imprints – in fact talking therapies have the tendency to strengthen the harm inflicted.

“Trauma constantly confronts us with our fragility and with man’s inhumanity to man but also with our extraordinary resilience”. There is no romanticising of trauma in the book – it is shown in all its horror and suffering. However, there is the recognition people endure terrible trauma and their symptoms are part of their strength, the ways in which they have learned to survive.

The book is concerned with trauma, with specific events which cause immense suffering. However, I was also reading it through the eyes of someone who knows and loves people with deep depression and anxiety which have not been brought about by specific events but are every bit as real and painful. It would seem to me that their experiences have also left physical change requiring an approach which recognises the whole person and the depth of the suffering.

“Freedom from our addictions” – Becoming more Tee

I have had this book on my kindle for a while now but only started reading it a couple of days ago. Perfect timing. If I had read it before now I would not have applied it to me. The 12 Step Plan Russell is describing is for alcoholics, drug users… I would not have seen that I needed the liberation from my addictions, self-centredness and illusion. I would not have appreciated that I needed to totally rethink my life, world-views and attitudes. I would have seen it as a brilliant, useful, courageous book written by someone who I deeply admire but it would not have applied to me. It would not have resonated with me in the way that it has. I would know that “I am a bit fucked” (Step One) and I was beginning to see that “I could not be fucked” (Step Two). Step Three – I cannot do it on my own – was obvious. I haven’t worked through the rest in the way that Russell recommends (YET) but I need to get to the stage where I am brave enough, courageous enough to “live in a new way that’s not all about [me] and [my] previous fucked up stuff “ (Step Seven).

I started reading this book a few days after discussing world-views in my Dharma study group. All of us have views about how we think we should operate in the world, in our relationships, at work, everywhere. We believe and hope that they will result in the life we want to live. “If I act like this at work, I will do well and get promoted. This will lead to me having more money and power. I will be happier. My family will be grateful to me”. That sort of thing. “If this man does not want me – my life isn’t worth having”. “I need to have the latest iPhone, iPad, huge flat screen to be happy”. We all have views and ways of living life – for a lot of us they are seriously flawed. As Russell says, “We are trapped in a way of ‘being’ that is not working”. I am in the process of trying to change mine – to become more Tee.

It’s a hard journey. I told someone about the ups and downs – the downs are huge craters; the ups tiny. He reminded me that it is the toughest thing that I will ever do. Recovery acknowledges and addresses this. Russell knows first hand that it cannot be done alone. But crucially, it is not a one time thing. Steps 10 – 12 are about being committed to daily growth, to stay connected in these new, more authentic world views, to live life for others – not to concentrate on me, my ego.

The moon and flowers …

“Buddhism is not dogmatic; it is very much about the intelligent and sensitive application of principles to the many and varied situations we find ourselves in”

The Eastbourne Buddhist Group have a fantastic box of books which I am working my way through. The quote at the top of this post is from the introduction to a book of essays written by women who have been ordained within the Buddhist tradition. These women look at how they bring together different aspects of their lives with their Buddhist practice and ideals. These aspects include motherhood, relationships, work and feminism. These women lead very diverse lives but all follow the Buddhist path.

This book has got me thinking… even with my girls being teenagers, it can be hard to reconcile Buddhism with motherhood. I think about my lifestyle and my work – both are not always compatible with my Buddhist ideals. Actually – lets be real, “not always compatible” is very much an understatement. I am so early on in this journey. Reading this book makes me even more determined to find my way to a simpler life.

This book appears to be out of print at the moment but second hand copies are available! The amazon link is below.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Moon-Flowers-Womans-Path-Enlightenment/dp/0904766896/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=