Well – the last few days have been hard – so a bit of alcohol may have passed my lips …
That stops now! I have discovered that a JD and coke one evening leads to more the next evening and the next…
I don’t get drunk by any means – I only have a couple. But it leaves me sluggish and clouds my mind
Think Tee-total is the only way to go!
Wish me luck
So – yesterday I wrote, rather optimistically, about not getting back on the roller coaster. I wrote about continuing to follow my path calmly and with focus. Umm – yes – right….
It is easier said than done isn’t it? Especially when more things happen which make life more painful, harder. Especially when I am trying not to use the coping mechanisms I have used before – those which seem to work at the time but are just temporary fixes, covering the cracks but actually making things worse. Especially when I am trying to use more skillful methods but I am not practiced enough in them yet.
But I have moved forward – I have made progress. I am on the rock face. I may not be pulling myself back up yet – but I have halted my fall. It would have been easier in many ways just to let myself fall… But no. I have a journey; I have a path. So I am using the unfamiliar foot and hand holds to cling on to. I hope to be able to start pulling myself up soon.
So here I am. I am continuing on my path. Following the 5 precepts as well as I can. Meditating and practising the Dharma. Trying to live more mindfully and skillfully. Doing everything I can to avoid the temptation of that roller coaster.
So something good happens… At last! Sometimes life feels full of sadness,mediocrity, boredom and drama so, when something good comes along, it is important to embrace it, live it and enjoy it. It is crucial to live in the present moment, feel and savour every second because this immediate event will not last and it would be all to easy to allow its impermanence to spoil the joy.
And now, it is over. And, of course, because life is as it is I want more. I always want these moments to last longer, to repeat themselves more often. It is “dukkha” – the suffering that occurs because everything in the ordinary, unenlightened life is ultimately unsatisfactory and changes, passes away. So in these hours, days, weeks after the something magical and lovely, I have to be aware. I have to be on guard against suffering unduly. I have to be aware of my emotions, my tendency to be sad and regretful. I have to stay calm and focussed, grateful that life offers these gems of happiness.
The problem with wonderful events is that life can become a roller coaster! I have experienced this so often – especially over the past year. I could have ran down the flower edged grassy bank with glee resulting in a messy fall, crashing in a heap at the bottom. So I ran down that bank more mindfully, with more awareness. Remembering the importance of valuing and rejoicing in those lovely, gleeful, special events because they light up my life, my heart, my soul. They show me that I can be happy, content and at peace.
So now I am keeping those wonderful hours alive in memories. Not to live in the past but to help me through sadder days – to help me climb those hills, clamber over the jagged rocks. Those few hours helped heal deep cuts and grazes caused by my recent crashes and falls. And those magical hours have not left me empty! They have left me with a deep, beautiful, loving, spiritual friendship which means the world to me.
So I continue to walk along my path holding onto the joy, peace and happiness I found. I have had to clamber over a couple of rocks today but I have used these new tools to help me negotiate a safe path and climb over in one piece.
Time to pause – to take a break; have a coffee and a slice of (vegan) cake. Time to reflect. Where am I on my path? Am I negotiating the hills and rocky places? Am I managing to push my way through the bushes and forests? Have I actually managed to climb my way out of the dark, deep chasm in which I found myself? Am I enjoying those (brief) times when my path is easy and is edged with flowers and trees and the sun is shining? Is my destination any clearer? Am I walking in the same shoes – do I need to change my clothes? Find a travelling companion? Use another mode of transport? Big challenging questions which I will reflect on as I walk.
At one time I had a travelling companion. This amazing man set me off on my journey and stayed with me for a while. He always described our journey as being on a train going towards a destination taking breaks at various stations on the way. Looking back, it was a train so I had no control of the journey – I boarded the train and had to stay on it or choose to leave at the next station. I boarded that train happily and was content with the journey but we would get to a station and the destination would change. And in the end it was not me that crashed that train – I was pulling on the emergency chord to no avail. After that we walked together for a while on the same path. I saw our path stretching far into the future. But, one night, under the cover of darkness, he slipped off our path and went down another…. He decided that ours was not his path. I have no idea where that goes but I hope it is his path and that he finds happiness on it. Maybe, one day, our paths will come together once more.
So I am left walking that path – a Buddhist path – going for refuge in the Three Jewels. It is the path, the way that I have chosen. Walking, crawling, running… I am in control of where I walk, how I react to the environment and the route I choose to take. This path has its twists and turns. Everyday life throws in obstacles which I try very hard to negotiate skillfully – sometimes I succeed; often I stumble. There are often interesting side paths and lanes which entice me to explore but they are a distraction. Sometimes I go off my path and find myself in a very wet, soggy, muddy ditch. BUT – and this is a bit BUT – I climb back out onto my path and keep going. I continue on my path trying hard to keep to the 5 precepts and seek guidance and support from my friends, from the Sangha.
So I am treading the Buddhist path – practising the Dharma as best as I can. I have a final destination I guess, but that is too far ahead, too much in the distance, I am not sure of the exact route. So I have to look at my map and find landmarks along the way – look for a route which will lead – eventually – to my final destination.
I have started to ask myself this more and more even in small situations – does watching that TV programme now add positively to my life? It might ! I might need that hour’s break. But there may be more merit in reading a book or going for a walk.
At a Death Cafe people drink tea, eat cake and discuss death. Our aim is to increase awareness of death to help people make the most of their (finite) lives.
Today I attended my first Death Cafe. It was arranged by three Buddhists and held in the space where Buddhist Meetings are held – but it was not a Buddhist event. It was attended by people volunteering and working at the local hospice as well as Buddhists and people interested in discussing death over tea / coffee and cake.
The agenda was not set. There were groups of chairs arranged in three circles. We all chose a chair and sat down on it. After an introduction which talked about the purpose of the cafe, the rules (respect, what is said in the room stays in the room – that sort of thing) we sat and talked.
I expected it to be awkward! No, it definitely wasn’t. The conversation just flowed. My group covered all sorts of aspects of death (the lead up, what happens afterwards, wills, funerals, the impermanence of life….). There was discussion; there was laughter.
I am continuing to be inspired by the people I meet, the conversations I have. This morning brought me closer to someone I already know from the meetings – we are going out for coffee soon – and I met new people.
A few months ago I would not have dreamt of going to an event like this. I would have found it weird! It would not have been “my thing”. I am very happy that it is now definitely “my sort of thing”.
Today has been a different sort of day. It has been an extremely wet and miserable day – one of those designed to put anyone in a bad mood. A day which makes sensible people retreat indoors with a hot drink and a box set. Me being me – I have been out on a couple of walks and have got soaked each time. The first time I took a very grumpy Pretzel and the second time I took pity on her and went on my own. I think that she may have forgiven me by now.
Today has been a thinking, reflecting, growing sort of day. I have been listening to and learning from some very spiritually aware people.
I started the day with a Metta Meditation led by Tara Brach. This was a lovely meditation led by a very softly spoken woman. Follow this link to learn more about her – https://www.tarabrach.com/
I then listened to Russell Brand’s podcast with Tony Robbins on my first walk this morning – a very different experience. The energy coming off these two inspiring men was insane! This is well worth a listen! https://www.russellbrand.com/podcast/056-meeting-a-mentor-with-tony-robbins/
Later, I went onto Discovery 5 and watched a couple of episodes of Ben Fogle’s “New Lives in the Wild”. Randi, the first Norwegian woman to climb Everest was delightful! So charismatic and happy; such a courageous and spirited woman. https://www.my5.tv/ben-fogle-new-lives-in-the-wild/season-7/episode-4
It is now early evening and I am looking forward to watching “Strictly Come Dancing” with my girls. It is musical night so should be amazing to watch. I admire those celebrities so much – how do they learn to dance like that?
Today has been a day which has made me even more determined to keep to my path. To learn from and follow the Dharma and to learn to be happy myself and to help others be happy too. Tara Brach, Russell Brand, Tony Robbins, Ben Fogle, Randi – thank you for your inspiration.
Well I seem to have managed to delete a post! Clever me. Can never leave things alone – have to tinker, have to play, have to try and make things better! Lol. So this new post can combine yesterday’s and today’s. Lesson to self – stop being such a klutz!
I didn’t take Pretzel for a walk yesterday. The weather was awful – storm Diana (Dirty Diana as a very dear friend called her) was around in part… Not much because of where I live but she obviously likes to make her presence felt as far and wide as she possibly can. The main reason for the lack of walking though was that my very lovely but silly Pretzel has stolen my Callie’s dinner the night before… I did not know that such a small dog could be quite so sick! Anyway, because I didn’t go for that walk the day didn’t start as calmly as usual so I felt a bit out of sorts all day to be honest.
This morning – yes we walked. And because it was not too wet and cold, Pretzel was quite happy to walk beside me. She trotted happily around our usual 5K route. I listened to some music (Man of No Ego – he can be found on Spotify and YouTube), thought about my forthcoming day and watched the sky change as the sun came up and the darkness faded away.
Thinking back to yesterday – I was right not to take poor little Pretzel out. She was a sad little dog. But I did not need to go back to bed for an hour! I could have gone for the walk on my own or used some of that time for meditation. Never mind – lesson learned!
I have been a bit “out of sorts” all day. Something has just not felt right. I think that it is because I did not start my day with my usual Pretzel walk. Most days I do this 5k walk and use it to wake up; to think about the day ahead and try to concentrate and be grateful for good things that are happening. This morning = no walk. My poor little Pretzel was not very well – she had eaten something that totally disagreed with her … Dog vomit everywhere is so not pleasant especially at 2am. She still looked a little bit sorry for herself when my alarm went off at 6:10… She definitely did not want to walk around in the wind and rain. It was a gruesome morning and I must admit that a small part of me felt grateful for the excuse not to don my waterproofs and go out.
Now what I should have done is get up and gone for a walk by myself or used the time to meditate. That would have been a good idea! But no – I decided to feed my cats who were scratching at the door then go back to bed for an hour. Now, I am not saying that a lie in is not great once in a while! I am not saying that there was anything inherently wrong in doing that! What I am saying is, that, for me this morning, a walk or meditation would have been a much better way to spend my time. My head would have been clearer and I would have set myself up for the day.
Fortunately my little scruffy dog is better now so we will be back to our morning walk tomorrow!
Well the past few days have not been without their challenges but I am slowly climbing up the rock face… managing to grab a foot or hand hold here and there. Sometimes I slip backwards but mindfulness and skilful thinking catch my fall. I am pleased and proud to say that I have
not fallen back into my old ways of coping – sparkling water instead of wine. Drawing on the three jewels – looking at my wrist reminding myself that this too shall pass.
So onwards I go – trying to stick to my path.
