I had such a lovely day yesterday. Going into Brighton with my girls – was so wonderful to see them laugh and smile. I saw their pictures of their afternoon later – they had much needed fun. They went off to do their own thing whilst I met up with a friend.
My friend – a new friend. I hope that I will continue to get to know her and that she will be in my life for a long long while. A warm, beautiful, courageous, intelligent woman. She makes me think. She makes me laugh. I can’t imagine ever being bored in her company.
Then just a simple evening – Chinese and a film with two people with whom I feel so comfortable. Two women who I have known for ages – both with their own problems but still they care. Still they laugh. Still they continue to move forward.
Bohemian Rhapsody brought back so many memories of my teens and twenties. I remembered the deep depressing so frightening emergence of aids. The homophobia. But I also remembered the joy that Queen brought to so many people’s lives. Live Aid – never to be forgotten.
And last but definitely not least. My Dad had a consultant’s appointment yesterday. My brother went with him. After the scare he gave us ( a few days to live) all looks just a bit more hopeful. We never know what will happen but it looks like he has got more time. More time just to relax and just be with my Mum without the responsibility of being her 24 hour carer.
So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.
And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.
Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.
I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.
This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.
The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.
And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.
I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx
I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.
I came back from my first retreat earlier today, a few hours ago. The world outside of the retreat centre seems loud and busy; I feel a little disoriented. It was a life changing weekend in which I fully realised my path.
This morning – just after I got out of bed – I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:
I am writing this through the period of silence which started last night after the beautiful Puja and is carrying on through this morning’s meditation until breakfast. My back hurts, my hand can hardly hold the pen but I am deeply content and happy. Not happy in the euphoric, roller coaster, worldly sense, but in the way of being at peace.
There are so many things I can write about this weekend – the people, the shrine room (which still makes me gasp even though I have spent quite some time in it now), the beauty of Rivendell itself… My deepening sense of belonging in this Buddhist world. I could talk about how blessed I feel to have been introduced to this community and how joyous it has made me to feel useful to others. This is an introductory retreat so people are new to Buddhism. A few people have come up to me, given me a hug and told them how I have helped them over the weekend.
Three main thoughts:
I have felt a dissonance / disconnection between my need to stay calm and walk / sail my course through the onslaught of the worldly winds which batter and torment me and the need to feel love / compassion – metta. This weekend I feel the love. I feel compassion. I thought that I would spend some time reading but have not opened a book. I have recommended books to others but have put to one side the strongly intellectual part of me which always seems to take over. Not deliberately. It just happened that way. So instead I have been immersing myself in friendship, meditation, love, discussion, I can feel my love returning, It hadn’t gone away it had just got trapped as someone suggested to me. Saturday morning during a meditation I could feel tears running down my face. That was the breakthrough. I have felt a deepening love and friendship with those I already knew and have a connection with. I have made new friends and feel love for everyone here. My heart is connecting with the world again. The importance of Sangha.
I wanted to go on a couple of solitary retreats this year. May still do so. But I think that these group retreats will be much more beneficial to me for a while. I need to develop my connections and love for the Sangha. I grow through love, friendship and discussion. Solitary retreats hold a danger for me – that I will just revert solely to my intellectual self. My intellectual self is an important part of me but I need to work in my Sangha.
One day I will be ordained. I have an important role model in a very dear friend who gave a talk last night. I want to help others through this journey, along this path. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. Not yet. When the conditions are right.
I will need to reflect on this retreat over the coming days and weeks. I have already booked my next one.
Sometimes I feel a big urge to write but have no subject!! Nothing comes to mind but I feel like writing. Most of the time I resist this strange compulsion but have decided to go with it this time.
I must admit to feeling a little sad this morning. I think I am losing someone I love and care for. I can feel the connection slipping away. But today, I’m not going to write about what is going wrong. It gets boring to write about and must be tedious to read. I haven’t many of you reading this blog – I can’t afford to bore you!
So what is going right? Some people – clever, sensible, mindful people – make lists of 3 / 5 things that they are grateful for every day. Or, they list what went well. Doing this every day helps to rewire the brain – what you think you become.
So today – 5 positives in no particular order.
Beautiful skies on this morning’s walk
Pretzel has a friend – Harley- who we see every morning. His owner and I are making plans for them to play together – play date !!!
Lovely Buddhist meeting last night. Met a young woman from Switzerland who is just visiting Eastbourne for a couple of days. She had such terrific energy and kindness. She found out about the meeting and decided to come along despite the fact that it would only be the once. Really inspiring.
Looking forward to my first retreat at the weekend
My parents are together, safe and cared for.
As I was writing the 5, I realised that I have more… There are so many positives. And that friendship I mentioned at the beginning of this post? Relationships / friendships ebb and flow. Who knows what will happen? I just have to be open to the possibilities.
The alarm went off far to early this morning. I hadn’t had a great night’s sleep and I just did not want to get out of bed. My back and joints had done their usual thing of seizing up over night so I knew that I was in for some pain until my body had loosened up. Mechanically, like a robot in mind and body, I went through my morning routine until I came to the point where Pretzel had her lead on and I was ready to go for our walk.
I so nearly did not step out of the door this morning. I felt all of the strong winds battering me and I just wanted to take shelter. But habit took over and off we went.
The first part of my walk was not enjoyable – and it was totally my fault! The weather was lovely, the moon was still shining and Pretzel was happy to be out for once (she is not a big fan of early morning winter walks). But I was feeling very sorry for myself – those pesky worldly winds were getting just too much. I let myself list all of the things that I felt were “going wrong”. I let myself dwell on the pain in my back, shoulders and legs. The list kept getting longer and longer… Then I came out of my head a little and looked up. The moon was still out – it was beautiful. Obviously, my first thought was a negative one – wishing I had a decent camera so that I could capture it’s beauty! You and I will just have to put up with my substandard iPhone snap! But then something switched in my brain. At my Dharma study last night I had been talking about responding to situations rather than responding… thinking skillfully. So I went back through my long list of woes and considered if there was anything that can be done about them. I came up with one or two things to do which I filed away for later. But, for the most part, I have to leave them be and see what happens. There is nothing to be done.
Just as I came to the end of my list, I heard the beeping of a car horn and turned to see a friend smiling and waving at me. It was at that moment that my mood switched. It was light bulb moment. I realised in that moment that, yes – there is a lot going on. People I love are suffering. My back still hurt! etc etc. But – there is a lot that is right in my life. My friends – so many friends who care about me and check in on me. I remembered all of the cards and presents I received on the day of my Mitra Ceremony and for my birthday. I reflected on the messages of love and support that I have been receiving. I thought about the lovely, beautiful women at my Dharma study last night. And – I am doing what I can to change what isn’t positive in my life. I am doing all that I can at the moment- some things just have to play out as they will.
I turned the corner and was confronted by the sun – cue for another bad picture (cannot always blame the iPhone! I am just not good at taking photos!). The sun will always rise. Whatever is going on in my life… the sun will always rise. The carousel continues to turn. Life is not satisfactory – The first Noble Truth of Buddhism – The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering. If we base our state of mind, our happiness on the changeable world we will be unhappy a lot of the time! My journey to becoming more Tee is helping me to see the truth of suffering and to loosen my grasping, my craving for life to be different.
So I returned home feeling positive and ready to face the day. Those winds are still blowing as they were when I awoke this morning. But, at least for now, I am navigating my way through them a little better.
The Four Noble Truths:
The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering. We always want things to be different
The truth of the origin of Dukkha – craving, grasping. The way that we look for satisfaction actually causes us more suffering
Dukkha can be overcome. We can go beyond suffering and dissatisfaction
We can follow a progressive path of spiritual development that affects every aspect of how we live our lives.We will then no longer build our quest for happiness on getting short-lived pleasure. If we have peace of mind we can weather any storm.
“Friendship is integral to the spiritual life” (Sangharakshita)
I have just started reading a book called “Buddhism and Friendship” by Subhuti. I have not read very far into it yet. However, it starts with a conversation between the Buddha and a monk called Ananda. In this conversation, the Buddha says that spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life.
Last night I went to some friends for dinner. I had the most lovely of evenings. All 5 of us are Buddhists – 3 ordained and 2 of us mitras. The other mitra is working towards ordination. The food was delicious – homemade vegan gorgeousness. The hosts are not vegan but went to great lengths to ensure that the food they served was vegan (for me) and sugar (unrefined that is) free for their other guest. But it was the conversation and the love in the room which made the evening. Real true conversation full of love, insight, compassion and laughter.
“In the case of spiritual friendship, we share our experience of the Dharma itself. We share our enthusiasm, our inspiration, and our understanding. We even share our mistakes.”
Was thinking about my mitra ceremony on my Pretzel walk this morning. I was in a bit of pain from my back and joints (stress and cold,damp weather do not help them) so was trying to distract myself. I found myself smiling over the candle fiasco. I remembered the way in which everyone laughed with me and celebrated when I finally got my candle alight. It made me think about how things in my life often don’t go as I think they will. Something comes along to threaten the imagined perfection of the eagerly awaited event. But I always get through. Often I get through on my own but this time I had a whole community of friends with me supporting me.
Life does not always turn out as was expected / hoped / wished for. But with the example of the Buddha, his teachings and the Sangha I can make it through and become a better person in the process. I just have to keep remembering this.
I am writing this just as I am getting ready to go to my Mitra Ceremony. I am looking forward to making the public declaration that I am a Buddhist. That I am practising the Dharma. That I want to be a Buddhist within the Triratna community. I look forward to declaring this within the Eastbourne Sangha.
There is one person who I wish could be with me this evening to witness this. The man who introduced me to all of this in the first place. He changed my life. He showed me the path which I now walk. So I would have liked him with me this evening. But he has wished me well and will be thinking of me.
After the ceremony
What an amazing, inspirational, beautiful, magical evening. I felt surrounded by love and support. A lovely friend who has been with me throughout my Buddhist journey surprised me by coming along. People stood up and said such lovely things about me – about my conviction, my energy. They called me a warrior and one praised me for my courage. We did a three stage Metta Bhavana meditation- and the second stage was centred on me. The tears threatened to flow.
I was right to be nervous about the candles ! I ended up putting all of the candles out trying to light mine! Then someone went in search of the lighter .. which somehow didn’t work! Fortunately someone had come armed with a lighter … It was fine – everyone was laughing and it didn’t take away from the occasion. It certainly made for an unique mitra ceremony! It could only happen to me.
I have so many cards and presents – the cards have such touching thoughtful messages. I also have the flowers from the shrine.
So I am now a Mitra. It feels such an important step. I feel energised. I have the tools to keep going forward in my life. I have a lovely set of friends who are always there for me and me for them. I am part of a beautiful community. I still have everything going on in my life. I have many challenges to face and life is not always satisfactory – there is much suffering. People who I love dearly are suffering. The situation I am in hasn’t got any better! In fact, it has got significantly worse over the last couple of weeks. But the way that I deal with it and the way in which I approach it has changed.
I asked for a poem to be read at my ceremony which sums it all up wonderfully. Someone commented that this poem was perfect for me. That I walked into the Sangha with a mission, a purpose.
THE JOURNEY BY MARY OLIVER
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Well it’s been a week… a week that I guess I knew would happen at some time but still managed to be a shock. A week in which my Dad has ended up seriously ill in hospital… a week in which I have had to find my mum a place in a care home. A week in which I sat in the sister’s office listening to news that I didn’t want to hear and then having to come home and tell my mum. I don’t know what will happen next … it’s all still very much a waiting game.
I’m not ready to start analysing my feelings. I have had to shut them away to some extent so that I can concentrate on helping my mum with her care and with the decisions that need to be made. I will have to save feeling for later.
There have been a few things which have struck me this week… the first is friendship. My parents have such caring and good friends who have been ringing and offering help all week. Some of them they have known for years. My parents are well loved. And my friends – one looking after Pretzel and my cats – oh and the hamster. Others texting sending their love. And one disappointing me I guess – but I have learnt not to push; not to take what isn’t freely given. And others I haven’t told because I don’t want to keep saying the words.
The staff on the ward have been wonderful. The NHS is much blamed and maligned but the nurses are amazingly caring people. And the consultant is doing the very best he can to give my dad the best hope possible. I also appreciate his honesty.
I have always been awe struck by how my dad has cared for my mum – putting her first and doing everything for her. This week as my brother and I have shared the caring doing it together and individually I have learnt just how tiring it can be. And my Dad must have felt unwell for a while but carried on regardless…
I have been surprised by how much I miss my home – my life. I miss my girls, my animals. I miss my cats curling up on my lap and my early morning Pretzel walks. I miss chatting with my girls. I missed going to the Buddhist meeting last night. I feel a strong sense of disconnection and a longing to be at home if only for a day or two. I guess I just want some “normal”. Some time where I’m not having to deal with wheelchairs and personal care; some time when I’m not having to help my mum make big decisions. Some time when I can start to process everything.
So this week has been about suffering. About the probable ending of a life my mum and dad had together. Impermanence. Sadness.
Last night was challenging. I had had a productive day – got things done. I had walked Pretzel and got in my steps. I’d been to Tesco, done some chores. I’d written a blog post. Someone had viewed my house. All seemed good. I was all set for an evening of Grace and Frankie, crochet, sparkling water and cuddles with Pretzel, JD and Smirnoff.
But then – out of nowhere – a huge wave of sadness and depression swept over me. I suddenly felt drained and tired. I remembered a particularly lovely night last week and mourned its passing. All of my optimism and positivity ran out of the door chased by dark terrible shadows. My evening of solitude switched from being a happy one to something sad. I don’t understand how that happened! No event occurred, there was no change in plans… the situation was the same but my thoughts and emotions changed in a ridiculous way.
So what did I do? Go with my first impulse and pop across to the shop for a bottle of wine? No – no I didn’t. I sat thinking about doing so for quite a while – I could almost taste the wine. But I resisted. Why didn’t I go for this option? Well my stubbornness helped – I had said that I was doing Dry January as a precursor to trying to stop drinking for good. Also I had already updated the App to say that I hadn’t had alcohol yesterday. And – I thought about this blog and how I wouldn’t want to say I had given in. I could have rang / messaged a friend who would have understood I think – but he has his own struggles and things to deal with. It would have been selfish and weak. Don’t get me wrong – often phoning a friend is the right thing to do. But this time – no. I knew that I could get myself out of it. Worrying a friend was not the kind thing to do.
So stubbornness and pride pulled me through to some extent. As did the knowledge that I have to stay strong for those people in my life who depend on me – my girls, my friends. But I was on my own so could have gone back to old unskillful ways of dealing with life just for last night without directly affecting others. Stubbornness, pride…
But there was something else. Something stronger and more positive. My journey, my path. Buddhism: “This too shall pass”; the fifth precept about not letting intoxicants cloud my mind; the idea that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Clear, skilful thinking got me through. I meditated for a while – just to clear my mind and reset. I had a shower. I refilled my glass of sparkling water and I pressed play on “Grace and Frankie”. Pretzel came and snuggled at my side. I retrieved my crochet.
I can’t say that I felt 100% better – but I felt ok. And sometimes “ok” is enough.
I could have come off my path, jumped over the edge and crawled into the dark cave. The cave would have sheltered me from my thoughts and feelings. But they would still have been there waiting for me to emerge. Instead I paused, thought about my options and made the decision to continue on my path.
Since last night a couple of things have happened. Not good things – events which serve as a reminder of how important it is for me to stay strong and present. Today is another difficult day in some ways but “This too shall pass”.
Someone asked me why I am writing this blog – more particularly why I am truthful about my struggles; why I don’t just talk about the good days. I write this blog because writing helps me. It helps me to give my thoughts and feelings some perspective. I put my blog online for many reasons. I like to write. I haven’t written much for years and this encourages me to keep writing and to improve. Another reason is to produce some sort of accountability – I have said I would do something so will try hard. It may be that my blog may help someone who is struggling – I might not have the answers for them but at least I may have things they can try or they can see that they are not alone. So I have to be truthful. Of course there are things I don’t write about because it involves others. I don’t write about my friends or my family in specific terms. But I want this blog to be authentic and to be truthful – so that means the good and the bad; the pretty and the ugly.
So last night I nearly crashed . But somehow held it together using my new, more skillful ways. Believe me that isn’t always the case. Next time I may not be successful – but this time I was. A reminder of my blog image – “what you think you become”.