Sangha

Ah the joy of being with the lovely women at my Dharma training course this evening. The care with which they treated me. The hugs they freely gave. Their listening ears.

Chanting the refuges and precepts, listening to the lovely poems, one especially chosen for me, the short but powerful meditation .., these all acted like a lovely cool balm.

And talking about spiritual friendships and the importance of the Sangha. Discussing, reflecting… sharing thoughts and experiences.

A lovely calm beautiful evening in the midst of the stress and sadness of this time.

On my 4 hour drive to Hereford today I was listening to podcasts. I have really got into listening to podcasts rather than music when I walk or drive. I find that they keep me interested and keep me more in the present than music does. Music makes me remember thus to live in the past or to daydream / fantasise which means living in a ridiculously unobtainable future.

Today I listened to a couple of podcasts by The Minimalists. Ryan and Joshua. Two very intelligent guys who definitely think creatively about life and are not just about decluttering and getting rid of stuff. https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-minimalists-podcast/id1069757084?mt=2&i=1000429698510

Towards the end of what seemed like a very long journey, I started to listen to Free Buddhist Audio. This is a tremendous resource packed full of talks by very knowledgable and spiritual Buddhists from the Triratna Community. I only heard the first part of this one but what I heard reassured me. Padmavajra talked of the need to have purpose, hope and energy. Buddhists are not meant to be passive but active. Virya paramita = the perfection of energy. I need to develop a sense of calm and peace but energy is a good thing, a positive thing. I am always struggling to reconcile living in the present with a direction, goal, purpose.

I haven’t listened to all of this podcast yet but will probably do so on the journey back tomorrow!

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/free-buddhist-audio-community-podcasts/id75081757?mt=2&i=1000431410884

All being well…

So many thoughts going on in my head today. I have been realising this week that there is so much going on in my life, so much that can cause stress and pain. I know that there is always suffering; that no one’s life is perfect. I know that there are many people who are suffering way more than me. But, for me personally, I am becoming aware of just how much is going on with me and people I love and care for. This means that there is an underlying sense of anxiety every day. When the phone rings there is the real possibility that there is bad news. Every day there is the possibility that there is even more suffering in store for the people I love most. It means that I can never plan anything with certainty (as if anyone ever can! But that just seems to be more true at the moment). For me it has led to a feeling that there is a lot to bear. That the worldly winds are battering me and just won’t stop. That there are different stresses, people, situations pulling at me for my attention, for my time, for my thoughts.

And there is guilt! Because there are moments when I am happy / content / at peace. Not everything is going wrong! A lot seems to be going very well. I (very selfishly?) went on the retreat I have had booked for months at the weekend. A weekend of peace and inspiration which meant that I have come back to my world with more calmness and purpose. I have moments in meditation when all just clears away and I am just me. I laugh with friends. I become immersed in a book. I become utterly involved in the latest episode of “Call the Midwife”.

Walking Pretzel this morning was lovely. I look at all of the stresses from a Buddhist perspective and feel calm – but, because I am not perfect, I feel guilt about not feeling more stressed and anxious about it all in that moment! Yes – I am weird! I am not even sure I have explained that at all well.

I write a lot about what I am learning that is helping me through. How I am learning to go to refuge to the Three Jewels – the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha. This is becoming increasingly important to me. I have also written a lot about changing what I can change. Choosing a different path which may lead to a better, more fulfilled life.

This week I have been feeling particularly fragile. But I am standing firm. Staying calm. Three “things” are helping. The first is something that a dear friend said on retreat – when we plan things we cannot be sure that they will happen. I might want to meet a friend for coffee on Saturday but I may have an emergency trip to Hereford or I might feel ill or a hundred and one other things. The most we can say is “We will meet on Saturday all being well“. I was reminded of that phrase again last night and it helps. It helps keep things in perspective.

The second is individual friendship. Last night I went to the Sangha night and was immediately enveloped in warmth and love. It was a beautiful healing, calming atmosphere. However, the one thing that helped me the most last night was the big hug that I got from a friend. I was leaving at the end of the meeting and he stopped what he was doing and just hugged me. My friendships are becoming increasingly important to me. Those people who just text or call me to see how I am. Those people who never fail to check in with me. Those hugs, those words of understanding. These friends cannot change what is going on but I am so comforted by their presence. Interacting with them, talking with them and listening to their stresses, their happy times, their adventures through life help me greatly. They make me feel connected to the world. I feel great love / metta. There have been times this week where I feel that I have been helpful to others which makes me feel warm and useful – it gives me purpose.

And the third. This came to me at the retreat. I have to just let some things be. I just have to accept what is sometimes. A particular friendship which feels difficult – I can just let it lie for a while. See what happens. Just stop trying so hard.

I will stop here. There is so much more to explore in everything I have said but enough for now. If you are one of the people still reading this blog – thank you xx

I have just had a lovely text from a friend which has warmed my heart and made me smile.

My first retreat

I came back from my first retreat earlier today, a few hours ago. The world outside of the retreat centre seems loud and busy; I feel a little disoriented. It was a life changing weekend in which I fully realised my path.

This morning – just after I got out of bed – I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:

I am writing this through the period of silence which started last night after the beautiful Puja and is carrying on through this morning’s meditation until breakfast. My back hurts, my hand can hardly hold the pen but I am deeply content and happy. Not happy in the euphoric, roller coaster, worldly sense, but in the way of being at peace.

There are so many things I can write about this weekend – the people, the shrine room (which still makes me gasp even though I have spent quite some time in it now), the beauty of Rivendell itself… My deepening sense of belonging in this Buddhist world. I could talk about how blessed I feel to have been introduced to this community and how joyous it has made me to feel useful to others. This is an introductory retreat so people are new to Buddhism. A few people have come up to me, given me a hug and told them how I have helped them over the weekend.

Three main thoughts:

I have felt a dissonance / disconnection between my need to stay calm and walk / sail my course through the onslaught of the worldly winds which batter and torment me and the need to feel love / compassion – metta. This weekend I feel the love. I feel compassion. I thought that I would spend some time reading but have not opened a book. I have recommended books to others but have put to one side the strongly intellectual part of me which always seems to take over. Not deliberately. It just happened that way. So instead I have been immersing myself in friendship, meditation, love, discussion, I can feel my love returning, It hadn’t gone away it had just got trapped as someone suggested to me. Saturday morning during a meditation I could feel tears running down my face. That was the breakthrough. I have felt a deepening love and friendship with those I already knew and have a connection with. I have made new friends and feel love for everyone here. My heart is connecting with the world again. The importance of Sangha.
I wanted to go on a couple of solitary retreats this year. May still do so. But I think that these group retreats will be much more beneficial to me for a while. I need to develop my connections and love for the Sangha. I grow through love, friendship and discussion. Solitary retreats hold a danger for me – that I will just revert solely to my intellectual self. My intellectual self is an important part of me but I need to work in my Sangha.
One day I will be ordained. I have an important role model in a very dear friend who gave a talk last night. I want to help others through this journey, along this path. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. Not yet. When the conditions are right.

I will need to reflect on this retreat over the coming days and weeks. I have already booked my next one.

Thinking positive

Sometimes I feel a big urge to write but have no subject!! Nothing comes to mind but I feel like writing. Most of the time I resist this strange compulsion but have decided to go with it this time.

I must admit to feeling a little sad this morning. I think I am losing someone I love and care for. I can feel the connection slipping away. But today, I’m not going to write about what is going wrong. It gets boring to write about and must be tedious to read. I haven’t many of you reading this blog – I can’t afford to bore you!

So what is going right? Some people – clever, sensible, mindful people – make lists of 3 / 5 things that they are grateful for every day. Or, they list what went well. Doing this every day helps to rewire the brain – what you think you become.

So today – 5 positives in no particular order.

Beautiful skies on this morning’s walk
Pretzel has a friend – Harley- who we see every morning. His owner and I are making plans for them to play together – play date !!!
Lovely Buddhist meeting last night. Met a young woman from Switzerland who is just visiting Eastbourne for a couple of days. She had such terrific energy and kindness. She found out about the meeting and decided to come along despite the fact that it would only be the once. Really inspiring.
Looking forward to my first retreat at the weekend
My parents are together, safe and cared for.

As I was writing the 5, I realised that I have more… There are so many positives. And that friendship I mentioned at the beginning of this post? Relationships / friendships ebb and flow. Who knows what will happen? I just have to be open to the possibilities.

So I found something to write about !

The sun will always rise… This morning’s Pretzel walk

The alarm went off far to early this morning. I hadn’t had a great night’s sleep and I just did not want to get out of bed. My back and joints had done their usual thing of seizing up over night so I knew that I was in for some pain until my body had loosened up. Mechanically, like a robot in mind and body, I went through my morning routine until I came to the point where Pretzel had her lead on and I was ready to go for our walk.

I so nearly did not step out of the door this morning. I felt all of the strong winds battering me and I just wanted to take shelter. But habit took over and off we went.

The first part of my walk was not enjoyable – and it was totally my fault! The weather was lovely, the moon was still shining and Pretzel was happy to be out for once (she is not a big fan of early morning winter walks). But I was feeling very sorry for myself – those pesky worldly winds were getting just too much. I let myself list all of the things that I felt were “going wrong”. I let myself dwell on the pain in my back, shoulders and legs. The list kept getting longer and longer… Then I came out of my head a little and looked up. The moon was still out – it was beautiful. Obviously, my first thought was a negative one – wishing I had a decent camera so that I could capture it’s beauty! You and I will just have to put up with my substandard iPhone snap! But then something switched in my brain. At my Dharma study last night I had been talking about responding to situations rather than responding… thinking skillfully. So I went back through my long list of woes and considered if there was anything that can be done about them. I came up with one or two things to do which I filed away for later. But, for the most part, I have to leave them be and see what happens. There is nothing to be done.

Just as I came to the end of my list, I heard the beeping of a car horn and turned to see a friend smiling and waving at me. It was at that moment that my mood switched. It was light bulb moment. I realised in that moment that, yes – there is a lot going on. People I love are suffering. My back still hurt! etc etc. But – there is a lot that is right in my life. My friends – so many friends who care about me and check in on me. I remembered all of the cards and presents I received on the day of my Mitra Ceremony and for my birthday. I reflected on the messages of love and support that I have been receiving. I thought about the lovely, beautiful women at my Dharma study last night. And – I am doing what I can to change what isn’t positive in my life. I am doing all that I can at the moment- some things just have to play out as they will.

I turned the corner and was confronted by the sun – cue for another bad picture (cannot always blame the iPhone! I am just not good at taking photos!). The sun will always rise. Whatever is going on in my life… the sun will always rise. The carousel continues to turn. Life is not satisfactory – The first Noble Truth of Buddhism – The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering. If we base our state of mind, our happiness on the changeable world we will be unhappy a lot of the time! My journey to becoming more Tee is helping me to see the truth of suffering and to loosen my grasping, my craving for life to be different.

So I returned home feeling positive and ready to face the day. Those winds are still blowing as they were when I awoke this morning. But, at least for now, I am navigating my way through them a little better.

The Four Noble Truths:

The truth of Dukkha – dissatisfaction, unease, suffering. We always want things to be different
The truth of the origin of Dukkha – craving, grasping. The way that we look for satisfaction actually causes us more suffering
Dukkha can be overcome. We can go beyond suffering and dissatisfaction
We can follow a progressive path of spiritual development that affects every aspect of how we live our lives. We will then no longer build our quest for happiness on getting short-lived pleasure. If we have peace of mind we can weather any storm.

The Power of Now

Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now

I have been listening to this as I have walked Pretzel and driven to meetings. It is a book that I am pleased that I have listened to rather than read. Listening to Eckhart Tolle’s words has made me concentrate on them and bring my whole self to them. There are so many messages to reflect upon. It is a book that I will need to keep coming back to.

I think that anyone who has been reading this blog will see that I am working to keep in the now, in the present; trying to prevent my thoughts from disappearing into the past or looking forward into an imagined future. I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and where they are taking me. Because of this awareness, I am sometimes able to step back from my thoughts and focus more on where I am now, in this minute. There is only now. Everything happens in the now. Concentrating / obsessing on the past or future, even wishing life was different is a fruitless endeavour which just brings pain and suffering.

Tolle talks about the Pain Body. The Pain Body is self-created and, once in existence, it wants to survive by any means possible. It will survive by feeding on any negative emotions, situation. It wants to cause or experience pain. It will pretend to be me, take me over, lead me to repeating patterns that will cause me more pain so that it is fed and very much alive within me. Since listening to Tolle talking about the Pain Body, I have reflected on mine. I have seen that I have, unconsciously, been feeding it in the way that I have lived and the choices I have made. Even looking back at the past, wishing it had been different feeds the pain making it deeper. Fantasising about a fantastically happy future or worrying also feeds the pain. “The moment you observe the pain body, feel its energy within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken”.

In previous posts, I have been reflecting on the fact that my life situation has not changed but my perception of it has. Well – my life situation has changed! In many ways it has got worse! More suffering for myself and those who I love. Tolle makes a distinction between one’s life and one’s life situation. Things happen in life. The fact of impermanence means that even happy situations will not last. There will always be pain; pleasure will always be temporary. To find peace, I need to work towards not being dependent upon life being a certain way. I am trying to step back from situations, from my thoughts about them. As a result I feel much more positive, more at peace with what is and where I am.

I have also been reflecting on Tolle’s thoughts on romantic love. To the ego, loving and wanting are the same. True love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or wanting someone to change. The ego uses the other person to cover up feelings of discontentment. In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering. We crave what we cannot have, or what cannot last. Attachment is the usual basis of romantic relationships. We often attach our personal happiness to one person. It is difficult, as you may appreciate, to comment too much on my thinking and learning about attachment in romantic relationships as others are involved. However, I can say that recent experience has shown me that my relationships now (both romantic and others) have much less to do with attachment than in the past. Please – do not for a minute think that I am 100% there! Obviously not. But now, those people I love and care for (romantically or otherwise, I don’t want to change. I don’t need to possess them. I want them to be well and happy, at peace. I can support them and love them by making sure that they know that I am here for them.

Tolle makes a distinction between clock time and psychological time. Clock time is often required so that we can actually live in this world. Time, however, is a construct. We only ever live in the now. There is never a time when life is not lived in the now. But we become trapped into bringing the past and the future into the present so that we step out of the present. Negativity is caused by psychological time and denial of the present moment. Fear, anxiety, etc are caused by thinking of the future; Sadness, regret, guilt arises from devotion to the past. It seems impossible to me at the moment to live totally in the present. I can feel my mind forcing its way into my consciousness and thinking about what has been or what could be. But – I have got better at accepting the present, accepting what is. Not longing for or fearing the future. Not looking back with sadness or nostalgia. I am learning – very slowly – to feel gratitude for what is happening right now; to be aware of my emotions and thoughts right now.

“If you make a mistake in the past and learn from it now, you are using clock time. On the other hand, if you dwell on it mentally, and self-criticism, remorse or guilt come up, then you are making the mistake into “me” and “mine”: You make it part of your sense of self, and it has become psychological time, which is always linked to a false sense of identity“

Friendship

Kalyana Mitrata – spiritual friendship.

“Friendship is integral to the spiritual life” (Sangharakshita)

I have just started reading a book called “Buddhism and Friendship” by Subhuti. I have not read very far into it yet. However, it starts with a conversation between the Buddha and a monk called Ananda. In this conversation, the Buddha says that spiritual friendship is the whole of the spiritual life.

Last night I went to some friends for dinner. I had the most lovely of evenings. All 5 of us are Buddhists – 3 ordained and 2 of us mitras. The other mitra is working towards ordination. The food was delicious – homemade vegan gorgeousness. The hosts are not vegan but went to great lengths to ensure that the food they served was vegan (for me) and sugar (unrefined that is) free for their other guest. But it was the conversation and the love in the room which made the evening. Real true conversation full of love, insight, compassion and laughter.

“In the case of spiritual friendship, we share our experience of the Dharma itself. We share our enthusiasm, our inspiration, and our understanding. We even share our mistakes.”

(Sangharakshita)

Dog walk thoughts …

Was thinking about my mitra ceremony on my Pretzel walk this morning. I was in a bit of pain from my back and joints (stress and cold,damp weather do not help them) so was trying to distract myself. I found myself smiling over the candle fiasco. I remembered the way in which everyone laughed with me and celebrated when I finally got my candle alight. It made me think about how things in my life often don’t go as I think they will. Something comes along to threaten the imagined perfection of the eagerly awaited event. But I always get through. Often I get through on my own but this time I had a whole community of friends with me supporting me.

Life does not always turn out as was expected / hoped / wished for. But with the example of the Buddha, his teachings and the Sangha I can make it through and become a better person in the process. I just have to keep remembering this.

Becoming a Mitra

I am writing this just as I am getting ready to go to my Mitra Ceremony. I am looking forward to making the public declaration that I am a Buddhist. That I am practising the Dharma. That I want to be a Buddhist within the Triratna community. I look forward to declaring this within the Eastbourne Sangha.

There is one person who I wish could be with me this evening to witness this. The man who introduced me to all of this in the first place. He changed my life. He showed me the path which I now walk. So I would have liked him with me this evening. But he has wished me well and will be thinking of me.

After the ceremony

What an amazing, inspirational, beautiful, magical evening. I felt surrounded by love and support. A lovely friend who has been with me throughout my Buddhist journey surprised me by coming along. People stood up and said such lovely things about me – about my conviction, my energy. They called me a warrior and one praised me for my courage. We did a three stage Metta Bhavana meditation- and the second stage was centred on me. The tears threatened to flow.

I was right to be nervous about the candles ! I ended up putting all of the candles out trying to light mine! Then someone went in search of the lighter .. which somehow didn’t work! Fortunately someone had come armed with a lighter … It was fine – everyone was laughing and it didn’t take away from the occasion. It certainly made for an unique mitra ceremony! It could only happen to me.

I have so many cards and presents – the cards have such touching thoughtful messages. I also have the flowers from the shrine.

So I am now a Mitra. It feels such an important step. I feel energised. I have the tools to keep going forward in my life. I have a lovely set of friends who are always there for me and me for them. I am part of a beautiful community. I still have everything going on in my life. I have many challenges to face and life is not always satisfactory – there is much suffering. People who I love dearly are suffering. The situation I am in hasn’t got any better! In fact, it has got significantly worse over the last couple of weeks. But the way that I deal with it and the way in which I approach it has changed.

I asked for a poem to be read at my ceremony which sums it all up wonderfully. Someone commented that this poem was perfect for me. That I walked into the Sangha with a mission, a purpose.

THE JOURNEY BY MARY OLIVER

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Tag: Buddhism