Sangha

Sangha Evening

Usually Sangha evenings are led by Order Members – those people with the Kesa around their neck with special spiritual names who have spent years in training. I am in training to be one of those ordained members but am nowhere near there yet. But this evening was led by a group of us Mitras. A Mitra is a term meaning “Friend”. Not all of us are planning to be ordained but we have all gone through a ceremony in which we say that we see ourselves as Buddhists in the Triratna tradition and pledge to follow the five precepts as well as we can.

I arrived at the Deerfold Centre tonight not in the best of moods. I wasn’t feeling well and I was having doubts about what I am doing (not in terms of Buddhism but in terms of work etc). There are a few things that are worrying me. If I wasn’t involved in the leading of the meeting, I might well have not gone this evening. I am so pleased that I did.

So this evening started as always with the Sangha Night Team which includes Order Members and Mitras setting up the shrine, meditation mats and chairs. We all do a check in before the rest arrive. So we checked in, I shared some of my worries and doubts – and was met with such love and kindness. By the time the evening started I was already feeling more balanced and at peace.

The two guys leading the first half were fantastic. One led the salutation of the Shrine and the Refuges and Precepts. These are difficult because they have to be timed just right and are in Pali! One led the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation – he had a difficult job because there were a couple of new people there this evening so it needed a proper introduction and commentary. Both did so well! A female Mitra led the second half giving a fabulous talk on Puja. Puja means worship. I have had difficulty connecting to Puja in the past – it is going beyond the intellectual and the emotional to the spiritual. We split into groups to discuss it further before I led the Worship and Salutation in call and response. One Mitra had the job of leading the mantra – he had been practising it all week. It has a rhythm and tune to it which has to be done precisely – he did it perfectly. I ended the evening leading the Transference of Merits. It was a first for us all but we had such great support from the Order Members and the rest of the Sangha.

It was a truly inspirational and beautiful evening which demonstrated perfectly the benefits of practising together. I left the evening feeling much more relaxed and less stressed about the decisions I have made and those which I will have to make. I left feeling supported and held. I feel so grateful that I was introduced to Buddhism and the Dharma (just over a year ago).

Tonight I saw more of the beauty of the Sangha

I have been thinking about this evening’s Sangha meeting all of the way home and then when I took Pretzel out for her evening walk. Trying to process it all – trying to push through the confusion, sense of shock and deep sadness that I felt, feel. I have no real understanding of how many of the people at the Sangha night were and are feeling. The shock, confusion and sorrow were plain to see on their faces and in their words but I cannot comprehend the depth.

An Order Member had taken her own life at the weekend. I had met her only briefly, once and not really to say more than “Hello”. For some of the people there tonight, she was a beloved friend of many years. They had been together in study groups, Going for Refuge groups and in Kula groups. They had shared so much.

The evening was devoted to her. A recent picture of her with her beloved dog was placed on the shrine. Many spoke of their memories of her. She seems to have been a remarkable woman – energetic, determined, so committed to the Dharma. She appears to have been very creative, imaginative. A woman with ideas flowing from her, a woman who saw things differently from others. Apparently she could be outspoken and forthright. One Order Member described how everyone always knew when she was in the room. I wish that I had known her – she seems to have been such an inspirational woman.

Those who knew her well looked after each other this evening, as they will continue to do for as long as is needed. They mostly sat together, sometimes touching each other, holding hands, sharing their memories of her. As one spoke, others nodded in agreement and, often, they smiled. One memory would lead to another.

Throughout the evening there was a distinct air of sadness, shock and confusion, as I have already said. Tears ran down the faces of many. This lovely woman had seemed to be excited about new projects; she had given no indication that this would happen. If anyone had noticed anything, she would have had their love and support to help her and cherish her. I know the process of becoming an Order Member is long and intensive. The would-be Order Member has to look deeply within her or himself; undergo counselling if needed. I am just at the start of this journey and know that I will have to go through a lot of soul-searching, delve deeply into my own story and resolve issues that I may have once preferred to keep buried. And those in the Sangha are so caring and supportive of each other. There are always opportunities to “check in” and say how things are feeling today, at this moment. It is so rare for an Order Member to take her / his own life – so rare. Which makes this so much more tragic, so much more confusing and so very sad.

The Sangha evening was filled with Metta. I could tell that even those people who had never met her were so touched by the memories of her. The love that these women and men have for each other shone through this evening.

As I sat this evening, joining in with the meditation, the chanting of the refuges and precepts, the threefold puja, the mantra, I realised a new love for this Sangha, for those people who are in the Sangha with me. I am in the Sangha. I feel its warmth and affection. The Sangha is one of the Three Jewels – one of the three refuges – one of the three “things” that I can trust to be there for me along with the Buddha and the Dharma. I feel so honoured, so fortunate to be part of this group of men and women.

A very sad yet beautiful evening. One that has touched me so deeply. I know that I will remember those couple of hours for a very long time, probably forever. I hope that, in time, this remarkable woman’s friends and family come to terms with what has happened to her and manage to achieve some peace.

To Karunabala – with metta

Learning to live the Dharma

I learn from reading. I have always learnt by reading. Books have been my source of knowledge for as long as I can remember. However, mixed into this has been those few, rare lucky times when I can discuss what I have been reading with others. This happened a lot at university in tutorials or with a friend who was doing the same courses. Also during my MA when I sent a few hours per week in tutorials. These discussions have always started with the text, the question and then have expanded to our lives and ways of living. Since then – until now – I have not had these opportunities. I had not realised how much I had missed the discussion and the potential for deeper personal growth.

Now I am fortunate enough to have found these opportunities for discussion again. With people from my Sangha – either at Sangha evenings or at my Dharma Training Course. And at retreats. Every so often I meet up with Buddhist friends and we discuss the Dharma. These discussions always deepen my understanding and lead me to thinking and acting more skillfully.

I am still reading – but I am finding that reading about learning to live the Dharma, learning to live more skillfully is not always as illuminating and inspirational as the discussions. A while ago I read Vajragupta’s “Buddhism: Tools for living your life” and am now reading Maitreyabandhu’s “The Journey Guide”. Both excellent books written by deeply spiritual knowledgable men. Both books are full of practical advice on advancing my Buddhist life – on moving forwards on my journey to become more Tee. But… (and this may just be me. I know of at least one person who found “Tools for living your life” very helpful) I do not find inspiration from them. I have read books on Buddhism which have been very inspirational – those by Sangharakshita, autobiographies and Vajragupta’s “Sailing the Worldly Winds”. But these two books ( and others) which set out tools, exercises to follow etc do not “do it for me”.

Yesterday evening at my regular Sangha evening I realised why. The evening was centred on speech – avoiding harsh, false, frivolous, slanderous speech. After our usual meditation, tea and biscuits there was a short presentation from an order member with his friend, another order member, chipping in. The presentation was informal but clear and incisive. It was filled with personal experience and humour. Afterwards we all started joining in with the discussion – there was a lot of deep thinking, practical examples, potential pitfalls and problems. And there was humour and laughter. This evening showed the joy that living the Dharma life can bring. The contentment. The sense of wonderment. As well as the difficulty of living this life especially in the world as it is now. This evening showed that my journey is not an easy one and will never be an easy one. That I will struggle, question why I am even trying to do it, fail – but it’s certainly not a miserable one. How can it be with those friends? How an it be with the Sangha? And I think that this is what can be missing from texts / books – at least for me.

I have another “issue” with Maitreyabandhu’s book too. Again a personal thing. Throughout the book he keeps talking about the importance of having the same gender spiritual friends. He mentions it several times. I know that I have friends who strongly agree with him and it is important to the Triratna tradition. But I cannot agree wholeheartedly with this view. I am developing strong spiritual friendships with some amazing women but I am also doing the same with some amazing men. I find that I gain so much from my friendship with the men in my Sangha.

Going forth

Last night I managed to get to a Sangha night for the first time in ages. It was a special night. We were celebrating the going forth of a dear friend. I haven’t known her that long but she is in my heart forever. She is the most wise, the most spiritual, the most caring person I have ever met. She is going on her three month ordination retreat in Spain. She is climbing a mountain- quite literally. She will come back with a different name; she will come back as the wonderful person she is but more so.

Ordination – such a beautiful and serious thing! Takes a lot of work, certainty and courage. I will do this one day. I am far from ready to go on the journey but I can start to prepare.

Go forth Alex. Go well. Sadhu

Ah the joy of being with the lovely women at my Dharma training course this evening. The care with which they treated me. The hugs they freely gave. Their listening ears.

Chanting the refuges and precepts, listening to the lovely poems, one especially chosen for me, the short but powerful meditation .., these all acted like a lovely cool balm.

And talking about spiritual friendships and the importance of the Sangha. Discussing, reflecting… sharing thoughts and experiences.

A lovely calm beautiful evening in the midst of the stress and sadness of this time.

My first retreat

I came back from my first retreat earlier today, a few hours ago. The world outside of the retreat centre seems loud and busy; I feel a little disoriented. It was a life changing weekend in which I fully realised my path.

This morning – just after I got out of bed – I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:

I am writing this through the period of silence which started last night after the beautiful Puja and is carrying on through this morning’s meditation until breakfast. My back hurts, my hand can hardly hold the pen but I am deeply content and happy. Not happy in the euphoric, roller coaster, worldly sense, but in the way of being at peace.

There are so many things I can write about this weekend – the people, the shrine room (which still makes me gasp even though I have spent quite some time in it now), the beauty of Rivendell itself… My deepening sense of belonging in this Buddhist world. I could talk about how blessed I feel to have been introduced to this community and how joyous it has made me to feel useful to others. This is an introductory retreat so people are new to Buddhism. A few people have come up to me, given me a hug and told them how I have helped them over the weekend.

Three main thoughts:

I have felt a dissonance / disconnection between my need to stay calm and walk / sail my course through the onslaught of the worldly winds which batter and torment me and the need to feel love / compassion – metta. This weekend I feel the love. I feel compassion. I thought that I would spend some time reading but have not opened a book. I have recommended books to others but have put to one side the strongly intellectual part of me which always seems to take over. Not deliberately. It just happened that way. So instead I have been immersing myself in friendship, meditation, love, discussion, I can feel my love returning, It hadn’t gone away it had just got trapped as someone suggested to me. Saturday morning during a meditation I could feel tears running down my face. That was the breakthrough. I have felt a deepening love and friendship with those I already knew and have a connection with. I have made new friends and feel love for everyone here. My heart is connecting with the world again. The importance of Sangha.
I wanted to go on a couple of solitary retreats this year. May still do so. But I think that these group retreats will be much more beneficial to me for a while. I need to develop my connections and love for the Sangha. I grow through love, friendship and discussion. Solitary retreats hold a danger for me – that I will just revert solely to my intellectual self. My intellectual self is an important part of me but I need to work in my Sangha.
One day I will be ordained. I have an important role model in a very dear friend who gave a talk last night. I want to help others through this journey, along this path. I feel that this is what I am meant to do. Not yet. When the conditions are right.

I will need to reflect on this retreat over the coming days and weeks. I have already booked my next one.

I have a date for my Mitra Ceremony!

I feel that I am a Buddhist
I am trying to practise the five precepts
I feel that the Triratna Buddhist Community is the main context in which I want to deepen my practice

Mitra is a Sanskrit word meaning friend. Mitras are people who have made what is called a “provisional” commitment to practising the Dharma within the Triratna Buddhist Order. There is a special ceremony which takes place where the would-be mitra is making the three declarations listed above. The ceremony itself is a simple yet beautiful one. Unfortunately for someone as clumsy as me, it does have plenty of opportunities to drop things or set the place on fire. Please don’t let me set the shrine on fire! I will keep you posted on that one.

This will definitely be a landmark in my journey. It’s represents a commitment to my path

New Year – Endings and beginnings…

Last night I went to my usual Buddhist meeting. Actually – it was a slight departure from the usual programme. We have had a different couple of weeks as we did the alternative Boxing Day and the alternative New Year. Not many attended Boxing Day – there were 7 of us. There were more last night – but many were new. It was lovely to meet this group of young, obviously very spiritual people and to meditate and talk with them. I don’t know if they will attend again – but am hopeful that they will. I did have mixed feelings though – which I am thinking about and exploring… They somehow changed the dynamic of the group – not necessarily for the worse but it felt different.

We did the Mindfulness of Breathing meditation. I must admit I struggled last night – my mind would have been in place but my body did not agree! My back is suffering from all of the lifting and decorating that I have been doing.. and my arthritis hates this weather. I stupidly chose to sit on the floor rather than admit defeat and choose a chair. So I was a little fidgety and in pain for most of it… Lesson learned (I hope!). My mind did feel clearer afterwards though so it cannot have been all bad – I am reminded that even a “poor” meditation is better than none at all.

During the tea break I caught up with a couple of women from my Dharma Study Group. I love these women. They are so different from each other – and from me! One is calm and peaceful; the other lively and passionate. The warmth and love that they (and others in the Sangha) show towards me and towards everyone is incredible… I am starting to truly appreciate the value of spiritual friends and to the Eastbourne Triratna Sanga.

Afterwards we sat and talked about the end of one year and the beginning of the next, of endings and beginnings, of opportunity… We thought about what we wanted to leave behind, what we wanted to keep with us and what we were looking for in the future. And it came to me… What I wanted to leave behind was the weight of expectation. I wanted to feel more free to lead my life as it should be led rather than as I think other people expect. I want to be more free so that I can be of more service, more help and more caring to others – to those I love and to society in general. I want to be more free so that I can travel, read and walk. I want to feel alive.

For the past few years I have felt trapped inside a life that I don’t really want. I feel as if I have not got enough time and energy available for my daughters. I felt as if there was nothing that I could do about it… Until a few months ago when a chance meeting led to me seeing so many possibilities. It is not too late to change how I live; it is not to late to live a more positive, spiritual life. It is not too late as long as I am brave enough to take the chance. Actually – not to “take” the chance but to make the chances – to make the changes happen.

So here I go. I am moving the obstacles, clearing the path. I am filling in pot holes and building bridges. Wading through streams and swimming across rivers. Some of my path exists; I just have to uncover it. A lot of my path I have to construct myself.

How excited am I about this journey?!!

Celebration of Sangha Day

When Ananda, the Buddha’s friend asked him if friendship was half of the spiritual life, the Buddha replied that it was “actually the whole of the spiritual life”

Yes I am talking about Sangha AGAIN! Yes, the Buddhist community is becoming increasingly important to my life. I will make this a short post 🙂

Last night at the weekly Eastbourne Buddhist meeting, four Mitras gave talks about the preciousness and joy of Sangha. All four are very different people, different ages, experiences, personalities. They all talked very differently. However, from all of them there shone the light, the jewel of Sangha radiating the importance that the different communities of Buddhists have in their lives.

Throughout the evening there was a common thread… the three jewels are inextricably linked. The Buddha, Dharma and Sangha are all precious jewels which shine in the world inviting people to take refuge within them.

Talking the Dharma

Yesterday evening was spent in the company of 8 women talking about the Dharma. It was the first session of our new Buddhist Study Group and we had come together for the first time. We meditated, talked, reflected, listened and shared experiences. We laughed and drank tea. In that room, sitting around the small shrine to the Buddha, sat a diverse group of women with different lives, personalities and experiences – all at different stages on the Buddhist path. However, in that community, as part of that Sangha last night I felt comfortable and cared for. For the first time in a very long time I felt that I belonged. I didn’t feel as if I was standing on the edges looking in. The overwhelming feeling was the thing that we had in common – the desire to explore the Dharma.

When I started thinking about this post, about what I would write I thought that this would be about studying the Dharma. I thought that I would be writing about the three steps to developing wisdom, the importance of exploring the Dharma with others. This was important. The Dharma held us together. However, the overwhelming feeling I been left with is about the importance of the Sangha we created. Sangha – the Buddhist community in which we can take refuge. Relationships, friendships can always falter and fail but the Sangha will always be there.

I am so much looking forward to our study sessions. To getting to know this lovely group of women. To exploring the Dharma; to exploring how I can follow the Dharma more fully and thoughtfully.