Author: Tee

Sunday evening thoughts

 

Too many of us sit in front of the TV on a Sunday evening filled with a slight sense of dread for the Monday morning to come.  You only have to look at the memes on Facebook – “SMONDAY – When Sunday stops feeling like Sunday and the anxiety of Monday washes over you“; “Goodbye weekend, I am going to miss you“; pictures of sad kittens mourning the presence of Sunday evening.  It gets to the point where we ruin what could be a lovely evening worrying about what may or may not happen the next day.  Or we are regretting the fact that we have got up late and have “wasted” a lot of the day.  We don’t live in the present moment.  We regret the past and are anxious about the future.  Added to that is the sad reality that far too many of us are doing jobs that we do not enjoy; jobs that make us yearn for the weekend; jobs that see us struggling to Wednesday’s hump day then wind down to the next weekend.  At what point do we actually enjoy our lives?

It might be too big a dream to think that we can all do work that we love that earns us enough money to live.  And many of us who dislike the thought of Monday mornings are perfectly okay once the week starts; the job isn’t actually that bad.

I have only three of these Sundays left including this one.  Even so, I don’t want to waste the time feeling anxious about tomorrow.  I want to be happy, to enjoy my life.  I am having a calm, peaceful weekend catching up on sleep, doing some chores, seeing friends, reading and spending time with one of my daughters.  The weekend isn’t over yet.

Of course, there is a lot more that could be written about changing our jobs, living lives that do not demand the well-paying jobs that we think we need to live.  But even if we change nothing else – we could, at the very least, try to concentrate our heart and mind on what is happening now.

Garden Part Three — OOPS I mean Garden Part Four

 

I am going to talk about my actual garden – well the plot on which my caravan stands.  In thinking through plans for this garden, I can see how all of the decisions, planning and action can be applied to my life.

I had a plan for my garden.  I wanted a large decking area which could be accessed directly from the caravan door.  I wanted a fence around it with a gate so that my little Pretzel dog could not escape every time I attempted to exit the caravan.  I wanted comfortable garden furniture, some plants and lots of twinkling fairy lights.  I wanted the trees and shrubs around the plot to stay with minimal pruning.  I know that they shade the garden quite heavily but I love the colour, the rich greenery, the birds and the squirrels.  I wanted one side to stay as the parking area and for the rest to be gradually filled with plants, bird tables and a bird bath.  That was the plan.  It was a solid plan.  It took into account the Park rules, the conditions of the plot, the needs of my escapee dog and my likes / dislikes.

So I started with the most expensive, biggest part of the plan – the decking.  And that is there.  The decking has furniture, lights, a lovely calm Buddha and flowers.  It is there.  I am so pleased with it.  I am quite surprised as to how dirty it gets – but it is cream after all.  I can live with that.  The day has to be very hot for me to be able to sit outside because it is very shaded but – again – that is ok! After all I have jumpers and blankets.  I love my decking.  I love the twinkling lights and my calm Buddha statue.  All is good.

But … as so often in life – I think that I have to change my plan for the rest of the garden.  My circumstances have changed beyond my control and so I have to alter my plans to allow for them.  Basically the garden I wanted to create would mean some hard work.  Lots of digging and planting.  It would also require lots of maintenance.  And all of that is a problem for me now.  My joints and back are conspiring against me to the point where I can barely lift a kettle half full of water let alone dig a garden.  I do not yet have a diagnosis but I cannot believe that this will all suddenly go away!.  So I have to be accepting that I may not be able to have exactly the garden that I want.  I have to admit to being disappointed.  I must admit to having sulked quite a bit!  But I have to look at what is possible and work with that.  I can still have the trees, the birds and the squirrels but will have to come up with a less high maintenance plan for the garden itself.  And this is what happens in life isn’t it?  We have dreams, aspirations and plans but we do not know for sure that they will be possible. It is good to have a plan – but we cannot get too firmly attached to that plan.  We do not know what is going to happen.  We cannot take anything for granted.  So I need to stop and reconsider.  And it may be that my garden will end up even better than I originally wanted.

 

Garden Part Three

So last year I took a long hard look at my garden / my life. People I love were suffering and I felt quite powerless to help in any real way. I was in a job that I used to love but now felt wrong. I had to carry on working to pay the mortgage on a house that had served its purpose. I fell in love only for that relationship to break down in a way that I still cannot comprehend. I took a long look at the good aspects of my life – my girls who were / are turning into beautiful young women both inside and out; some wonderful friends. Some parts of my garden were lovely. But I had no sense of direction. I had no real sense of what I wanted my garden to look like. I could just see the years stretching out – I couldn’t see a goal. I couldn’t see a path. I had no plan of any sort.

But then I was introduced to Buddhism, the three jewels. Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. And a purpose, a direction for my life became clearer. I knew that I wanted my garden to be a place where others could rest, could find comfort, could relax and rebuild their lives. I wanted to live a life in service to others – to my family, my friends, to all beings. In order to do this I had to make big changes. I had to find a way to rebuild my garden. To establish firm foundations.

So I have a general idea of how I want my garden to look. What I want to achieve with it. Some things can be started immediately ( have been started) whilst others will take some time. In his talk Subhadassi discussed the importance of not rushing things. He gave an example of wanting to lay a path. But if you just jumped in and laid it without looking at the conditions and observing the area in different seasons, an ill sited path may flood in heavy rain. The importance of observing, taking time. But there has to be a balance – taking time cannot mean procrastination. It is the delicate balance between kshanti and virya – patience and energy.

So yes the foundations of my garden are in progress. I have made use of the good things that were already in place – as I have said, some parts of my garden were pleasing to the eye. And some things in my garden cannot be eradicated – the two firmly established blossom trees that have taken time and effort but provide such pleasure. Smaller bushes. Some of my garden brought and still brings great pleasure.

Garden – Part Two

 

I guess that, in some ways, it doesn’t really matter if the garden is new to me or if I have always been in it.  The point is that there is a garden and I am in charge of it.  But I think that the garden is my life and how I choose to live my life is reflected in the garden in all of its aspects.  So this has always been my garden.  I like to think of this garden as a large, sprawling kind of garden with lots of different parts.   Full shade in some areas, sunny during a lot of the day in others.  Boggy, heavy, clay like soil leading to the overgrown pond but drier soil under the trees. A garden in which there is room to grow, to explore the potential.  A garden which could, if properly looked after, provide quiet spaces for contemplation and rest; spots for nature watching, vegetable plots etc etc.  A garden which shows previous attempts to tame it, to make it a beautiful place to be.  Maybe a beautiful tree that continues to flourish, or some flowers that bloom year after year.  Maybe I have put some effort (of the right kind) into some parts of  the garden ….  but not so much in others.  Overgrown flower beds, uneven and broken paths are in evidence.  Maybe an old potting shed or two.

So there came a point last year when I stopped and took a proper look at my garden.  How was it doing?  Was it full of beauty or at least functional?  And, as might be apparent, to anyone who has read at least some of this blog, I found that my garden /  my life was entirely unsatisfactory in most of its aspects.  Some parts of the garden were falling into neglect and disrepair.  Some of the garden looked quite pretty on the surface but these were small flowerbeds filled with temporary, garish annuals.  Other parts of the garden were functional – these parts “did the job” but were not pleasurable to be in or to look at.

It was time to take stock and decide what I wanted my garden to look like.  What I wanted my life to look like.

My mind map.. It started off so tidy and pretty! But I leave it on the table and add to it whenever I have another idea!

So – there we have it – part two of the garden metaphor.  I am sorry if I am boring you with it but I am quite enjoying writing it.   It is making me use my brain, to think more imaginatively – something that I have not done in a long time!

 

Wesak Day

Well I managed to get out of bed – as usual it wasn’t elegant and there was some under my breath swearing! But I did it and managed to take Pretzel a quick walk, have coffee, breakfast and leave. Now sitting on the Brighton train. Hoping that I will meet up with friends at Eastbourne. I haven’t been to the Brighton Buddhist Centre before and it is always easier to go for the first time with friends.

Now back home after a lovely day. I met up with my friends. And we talked all of the way to Brighton. The Brighton Centre is lovely. So calm. So serene. THREE shrine rooms! THREE! I still prefer our Eastbourne “pop up” centre though. The Eastbourne Sangha is small and intimate. We know and care for each other.

It was a fabulous day. Meditation, Puja, talks, story telling, two Mitra ceremonies, a shared lunch. Perfect. And back to a common theme. FRIENDSHIP. I had a long chat with a friend I hadn’t really talked to for a while. I chatted with friends. Reacquainted myself with people I have met before. Met new people. There is one friend who I love deeply. He was there. He is a true spiritual friend. It’s not a romantic or sexual relationship. It’s not a physical thing at all. But we hug. We connect. It is a truly beautiful friendship. I have a deep love for this man.

I love my Buddhist friends. I love my Buddhist life. I had some lovely deep conversations. I felt that I was part of something. I felt that I mattered.

Calm

I must admit that it is tempting just to keep counting down the few weeks until I leave work. But I am trying not to. I am striving to live in the present moment, see the beauty in my life, count my blessings and to stay calm when my natural inclination is to be irritated or annoyed.

Apart from the aches and pain (which I think about, speak about and worry about far too often) my life is so good at the moment. I spend a lot of time with my daughter, with friends, with my dog and cats… This evening was lovely – I spent it with a lovely woman who is so kind, relaxed and inspirational. Tomorrow I will be at Brighton Buddhist Centre celebrating Wesak with some very good friends. And today I reconnected with someone so precious who I thought was lost. Friendship is so very important to me.

So I will ignore the aches and pains. I will ignore the fact that my outdoor lights don’t seem to be working (sob) and I will even stay calm as my two fat ginger cats meow and pester me for food.

I love my caravan. I love my daughters, my friends, my pets. In six weeks my life will be different; I am so looking forward to the challenge of new routines, home schooling and getting some part time work. I look forward to the freedom, the opportunities to travel, the time to read, the time to “just be”.

All is good. I need to stay calm and present. I need to rejoice in my life. I need to continue on my Buddhist path; continue to become “more Tee”.

Live in the present moment

I am sitting outside on my decking thinking “how lucky am I?” I’m wrapped in a blanket because it’s still not warm and summer like yet. I am sitting in a comfortable chair with my feet propped up on a table. I am surrounded by trees and clear sky. My newly purchased statue of the Buddha is sitting in the corner looking beautiful and serene.

And today has been lovely. Took my two gorgeous girls shopping and for lunch at Bills. They are such lovely, caring girls. Great fun to be with too. A good day.

And I get to live in this lovely place. I am lucky enough to have been able to change things so I can give up the job that no longer feels as important as it did. I get to be able to afford to work part time and homeschool one of my daughters. In just a few weeks time my life will be changing.

So I am enjoying this very moment. Savouring every second. Life can entail suffering and it can throw the most horrific curve balls. But life can also be good.

Live in the present. Take what is good about life and savour it. Enjoy it. Appreciate it.

No giving up

Well that was a week! Hospital tests involving starvation, potions and cameras going where cameras are definitely not wanted! But I was looked after well in the hospital. The staff were wonderful. Thank you NHS. A few things were found – but, as expected, nothing to explain my joint pain. So more tests I expect!

This week is also the start of a restructure at work. It’s not going to affect me I admit but it will affect some dear friends, wonderful colleagues and families in East Sussex. There will be lots of changes to the lives of many people – changes that they do not want in a lot of cases.

In the midst of all this I am starting to live again. To feel like me again – even to make a little progress in becoming more Tee. I am finding ways to manage the pain, and to structure my life around it. Morning meditation, for example requires a hot water bottle! There are things I can’t do – I cannot take my little Pretzel on a lot of long walks, I cannot drive 200 miles to see my Mum. But there is a lot I can do if I just try, push myself a little and believe that things are possible.

Back to the subject of friendship which I know I talk about a lot in this blog. I am so blessed to have some lovely friends. Those who check up on me, take me to and from hospital, invite me to dinner. The friend who reminded me of Mara – the demon who attacked and tempted the Buddha with everything he had. The Buddha sat still in peace and openness. And the words, arrows, weapons and pain drifted away from him as soft petals. And during this notice period I am realising how many friends I have made during my time with Children’s Centres. I must try to keep in touch with them.

My pets – they help! Well most of the time. They can be a pain admittedly especially when they want food NOW. But my cats – JD and Smirnoff are good for cuddles and very entertaining to watch as they play. Pretzel – also very cuddly and fun to be with.

I still feel sorry for myself at times. Who doesn’t? But it’s ok. Suffering is intrinsic to human life. And things could be an awful lot worse! There are also a lot of things to be thankful for.

And – This too shall pass.

So no giving up! Acceptance of what cannot be changed; taking action where it will be helpful. Trying to attain the perfect blend of Kshanti and Virya – patience and energy.

What do we do when life is “out to get us”?

Mornings are difficult at the moment. This is sad because I am, naturally, a morning person. I am used to getting out of bed, getting dressed and taking Pretzel for a 5k walk. I would come back ready to face the day…

But now I cannot do that. For some reason – yet to be explained – my body is letting me down. During the night it seizes up and, by morning, I am in pain. Neck, shoulders, back, hands and fingers, legs, knees, feet – all locked. Getting out of bed takes a while!! During the day the pain is always there… I cannot use my hands properly, walk totally upright or turn my head… but mornings are the worst.

I try very hard not to let it get me down. I am trying to do something about it – going through loads of tests. I am about to start investigating possible food allergies. I am trying to stretch, keep moving, use painkillers. But I am getting grumpy. I feel angry that I have come through a lot of stress, done a lot to change my life – just for this to happen. It is very tempting to just be totally grumpy, to feel sorry for myself and to give up. And sometimes I do just for a little while (especially first thing in the morning).

But I’m not giving up. There are things I can do about it – find out what is wrong. See if I have some intolerances to food. Try to keep calm. Try to keep living my life. Keep using the hot water bottle on my joints. Keep meditating. Ask friends for help when I need it (I am so bad at that). And remember that “this too shall pass”.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or anything. There are a lot of people out there, reading this who are a lot worse off than me. I am writing this because it is part of my journey. And this blog was never intended to be just about the good bits. This is how it is at the moment. And I can choose how to deal with it. First thing in the morning my actions and thoughts are not skilful – but I am trying and some mornings I manage to face calmly (SOME). I am trying to keep my sense of humour.

Life always involves some element of suffering. And, sometimes, the suffering threatens to take over. I allow myself to be bad tempered. I spend a lot of time apologising to people and pets. But I have choices about how to deal with it all. And life is better when I face and live it skilfully.

This too shall pass!

With deeds of loving kindness, I purify my body

 

This precept was the subject for my Dharma Study Group this week.  For me, this precept is the foundation of Buddhism.  Everything else stems from this.

The five precepts, training principles of Buddhism are given in their negative.  The first is “I undertake to refrain from taking life”.  It talks of killing but is really about abstaining from harming any sentient being in any way.  Violence is wrong because it is based on an unskilful mental state – on the state of hatred.  But the precepts also have a stronger, more powerful positive counterpart.  When I think of the precepts, I always think of the positive – what can I do to become a better human being?  Rather than what I should not do.  The counterpart of abstention from violence is the practice of Metta – loving kindness.  It is a loving kindness that is expressed in deeds; it is not enough to feel goodwill and love.  Loving kindness must be expressed in ACTION.

When talking about this precept – the first precept – it is tempting to think about the big things – should I be vegetarian or even vegan? Should I be opposed to abortion in all circumstances however distressing to the woman? But is this what we should be thinking about ? Is this all we should be considering? I could be vegan and anti abortion and be a vengeful uncaring human being. I only need to look in some of the Facebook vegan groups to see the hatred and anger some vegans have for other human beings. The anger and hatred directed at those poor innocent newbies who are simply seeking answers and dare to ask if eating honey can ever be ok…

I believe this precept has to come directly from the heart. It is why the Metta Bhavana meditation is so very important. I can hold as many principles as I like but may not be a person who shows loving kindness to myself, my friend, a neutral person, the person with whom I am having difficulties (sometimes referred to as my enemy) and to all sentient beings – human and non-human. I can be vegan, anti abortion etc etc but may be incapable of feeling and expressing loving kindness to all sentient beings.  Deeds of loving kindness stem from the heart not from sternly held principles and views.

Living from a standpoint of loving kindness has got its dangers. Without self love this way of living can turn someone into a “push over”, a “doormat” … however you want to label a person who never thinks of her / him self. But the precept is about all beings including ourselves. It is not by chance that the first stage of the Metta Bhavana focuses on ourselves. In this stage I wish myself happiness, I want myself to be well and free from suffering. If we do not love and care for ourselves, we cannot truly love and care for others.

We also have to look at wisdom. The threefold path consists of Ethics (the precepts) and meditation – both of which I have already mentioned – but also Wisdom.  Wisdom is crucial.  Sometimes we have to sit back and think – what is the best way to help this person?  What is the most skilful way to show loving kindness in this circumstance?

So, this precept for me, is the backdrop – or more truthfully – should be the backdrop for my entire existence.  That person who pushed in front of me in the queue – I could get angry but do I know what he / she is dealing with at the moment?  That friend who doesn’t respond to messages or phone calls – how do I know what is going on for them?  It might not be about me.  That person who is still eating meat even though they profess to be vegan in public – how do I know what else is going on in their lives, the struggles they have?

Loving kindness /Metta is not a soppy emotion.  It is a strong, all powerful force in our lives.  It should be expressed in action not just feelings.  So we should be actively loving and caring to ourselves, our family and friends, all the people we know, all animals.  Not just the people we like.  Not just the animals we think are cute.  All people.  All animals.  All sentient beings.  We should strive not to do them harm – but more than that – we should strive to do them good.