I have found myself in a state of confusion over the past few days. Not able to reconcile the need to accept the suffering and even the death of a loved one with equanimity with the need not to become cold and unfeeling. With the need to show others that I do care, I do love whilst still remaining calm and present.
Because of all of the stuff that has been going on, I have been reading and reflecting a lot on how to keep calm, live in the present moment and how to keep sailing a smooth path through loud, swirling winds. As you can see from my last post, I have read Tolle’s “Power of Now”. I have also had “Sailing the Worldly Winds” by Vajragupta recommended to me so I am reading that. I have been bringing to mind the impermanence of everything including life; I have pondered on Dukkha – the general unsatisfactoriness of life. Somehow I am standing in the middle of it all keeping calm (mostly) and letting things take their course.
But …. But how do I do this and not turn back to the person I used to be? How do I manage to keep in the present moment responding rather than reacting to my emotions without returning to the person who used to hide her emotions behind very strong walls? How do I work my way through the seeming paradox of reacting skillfully, remembering that everything has an ending and caring deeply? How can I be present for those I love in their suffering and not appear to be disinterested and cold? How do I continue to “become more Tee”? How do I find this path? What am I looking for? A friend said that I “have the direction, now to find the steps”.
Yesterday evening, I went to my Buddhist Meeting as usual. Every time I attend a Sangha meeting or meet up with friends from the Sangha I am struck by their calm, their sense of peace and the loving kindness / metta which flows from them. As we meditated, talked over tea and listened to the talks, I realised that metta is the key to this seeming paradox. I have not yet worked how but know that I am on the right path, taking the correct steps. This may well be obvious to everyone else – I may just be very slow on the uptake!
I know that I need to reflect more on this. I definitely need and intend to practise the Metta Bhavana Meditation. In this practice we cultivate loving kindness beginning with ourselves and eventually spreading it out to all sentient beings.
“The teachings on love by the Buddha are clear, scientific and applicable… Love, compassion, joy and equanimity are the very nature of an enlightened person. They are the four aspects of true love within ourselves and within everyone and everything”
Thich Nhat Hanh
I am not sure about this post… I feel that I have not adequately explained what I feel and the dilemma I face. I am not sure that I have described my small glimmer of light very well. But I am going to post this anyway. Things are not always straightforward. Some things need to be pondered upon and thought through for a while so that they become less twisted and tangled. In the writing and reflecting I will take a step or two forward. I am sure that I will come to these reflections.