No giving up

Well that was a week! Hospital tests involving starvation, potions and cameras going where cameras are definitely not wanted! But I was looked after well in the hospital. The staff were wonderful. Thank you NHS. A few things were found – but, as expected, nothing to explain my joint pain. So more tests I expect!

This week is also the start of a restructure at work. It’s not going to affect me I admit but it will affect some dear friends, wonderful colleagues and families in East Sussex. There will be lots of changes to the lives of many people – changes that they do not want in a lot of cases.

In the midst of all this I am starting to live again. To feel like me again – even to make a little progress in becoming more Tee. I am finding ways to manage the pain, and to structure my life around it. Morning meditation, for example requires a hot water bottle! There are things I can’t do – I cannot take my little Pretzel on a lot of long walks, I cannot drive 200 miles to see my Mum. But there is a lot I can do if I just try, push myself a little and believe that things are possible.

Back to the subject of friendship which I know I talk about a lot in this blog. I am so blessed to have some lovely friends. Those who check up on me, take me to and from hospital, invite me to dinner. The friend who reminded me of Mara – the demon who attacked and tempted the Buddha with everything he had. The Buddha sat still in peace and openness. And the words, arrows, weapons and pain drifted away from him as soft petals. And during this notice period I am realising how many friends I have made during my time with Children’s Centres. I must try to keep in touch with them.

My pets – they help! Well most of the time. They can be a pain admittedly especially when they want food NOW. But my cats – JD and Smirnoff are good for cuddles and very entertaining to watch as they play. Pretzel – also very cuddly and fun to be with.

I still feel sorry for myself at times. Who doesn’t? But it’s ok. Suffering is intrinsic to human life. And things could be an awful lot worse! There are also a lot of things to be thankful for.

And – This too shall pass.

So no giving up! Acceptance of what cannot be changed; taking action where it will be helpful. Trying to attain the perfect blend of Kshanti and Virya – patience and energy.

What do we do when life is “out to get us”?

Mornings are difficult at the moment. This is sad because I am, naturally, a morning person. I am used to getting out of bed, getting dressed and taking Pretzel for a 5k walk. I would come back ready to face the day…

But now I cannot do that. For some reason – yet to be explained – my body is letting me down. During the night it seizes up and, by morning, I am in pain. Neck, shoulders, back, hands and fingers, legs, knees, feet – all locked. Getting out of bed takes a while!! During the day the pain is always there… I cannot use my hands properly, walk totally upright or turn my head… but mornings are the worst.

I try very hard not to let it get me down. I am trying to do something about it – going through loads of tests. I am about to start investigating possible food allergies. I am trying to stretch, keep moving, use painkillers. But I am getting grumpy. I feel angry that I have come through a lot of stress, done a lot to change my life – just for this to happen. It is very tempting to just be totally grumpy, to feel sorry for myself and to give up. And sometimes I do just for a little while (especially first thing in the morning).

But I’m not giving up. There are things I can do about it – find out what is wrong. See if I have some intolerances to food. Try to keep calm. Try to keep living my life. Keep using the hot water bottle on my joints. Keep meditating. Ask friends for help when I need it (I am so bad at that). And remember that “this too shall pass”.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or anything. There are a lot of people out there, reading this who are a lot worse off than me. I am writing this because it is part of my journey. And this blog was never intended to be just about the good bits. This is how it is at the moment. And I can choose how to deal with it. First thing in the morning my actions and thoughts are not skilful – but I am trying and some mornings I manage to face calmly (SOME). I am trying to keep my sense of humour.

Life always involves some element of suffering. And, sometimes, the suffering threatens to take over. I allow myself to be bad tempered. I spend a lot of time apologising to people and pets. But I have choices about how to deal with it all. And life is better when I face and live it skilfully.

This too shall pass!

The Power of Now

Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now

I have been listening to this as I have walked Pretzel and driven to meetings. It is a book that I am pleased that I have listened to rather than read. Listening to Eckhart Tolle’s words has made me concentrate on them and bring my whole self to them. There are so many messages to reflect upon. It is a book that I will need to keep coming back to.

I think that anyone who has been reading this blog will see that I am working to keep in the now, in the present; trying to prevent my thoughts from disappearing into the past or looking forward into an imagined future. I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and where they are taking me. Because of this awareness, I am sometimes able to step back from my thoughts and focus more on where I am now, in this minute. There is only now. Everything happens in the now. Concentrating / obsessing on the past or future, even wishing life was different is a fruitless endeavour which just brings pain and suffering.

Tolle talks about the Pain Body. The Pain Body is self-created and, once in existence, it wants to survive by any means possible. It will survive by feeding on any negative emotions, situation. It wants to cause or experience pain. It will pretend to be me, take me over, lead me to repeating patterns that will cause me more pain so that it is fed and very much alive within me. Since listening to Tolle talking about the Pain Body, I have reflected on mine. I have seen that I have, unconsciously, been feeding it in the way that I have lived and the choices I have made. Even looking back at the past, wishing it had been different feeds the pain making it deeper. Fantasising about a fantastically happy future or worrying also feeds the pain. “The moment you observe the pain body, feel its energy within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken”.

In previous posts, I have been reflecting on the fact that my life situation has not changed but my perception of it has. Well – my life situation has changed! In many ways it has got worse! More suffering for myself and those who I love. Tolle makes a distinction between one’s life and one’s life situation. Things happen in life. The fact of impermanence means that even happy situations will not last. There will always be pain; pleasure will always be temporary. To find peace, I need to work towards not being dependent upon life being a certain way. I am trying to step back from situations, from my thoughts about them. As a result I feel much more positive, more at peace with what is and where I am.

I have also been reflecting on Tolle’s thoughts on romantic love. To the ego, loving and wanting are the same. True love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or wanting someone to change. The ego uses the other person to cover up feelings of discontentment. In Buddhism, attachment is the root of suffering. We crave what we cannot have, or what cannot last. Attachment is the usual basis of romantic relationships. We often attach our personal happiness to one person. It is difficult, as you may appreciate, to comment too much on my thinking and learning about attachment in romantic relationships as others are involved. However, I can say that recent experience has shown me that my relationships now (both romantic and others) have much less to do with attachment than in the past. Please – do not for a minute think that I am 100% there! Obviously not. But now, those people I love and care for (romantically or otherwise, I don’t want to change. I don’t need to possess them. I want them to be well and happy, at peace. I can support them and love them by making sure that they know that I am here for them.

Tolle makes a distinction between clock time and psychological time. Clock time is often required so that we can actually live in this world. Time, however, is a construct. We only ever live in the now. There is never a time when life is not lived in the now. But we become trapped into bringing the past and the future into the present so that we step out of the present. Negativity is caused by psychological time and denial of the present moment. Fear, anxiety, etc are caused by thinking of the future; Sadness, regret, guilt arises from devotion to the past. It seems impossible to me at the moment to live totally in the present. I can feel my mind forcing its way into my consciousness and thinking about what has been or what could be. But – I have got better at accepting the present, accepting what is. Not longing for or fearing the future. Not looking back with sadness or nostalgia. I am learning – very slowly – to feel gratitude for what is happening right now; to be aware of my emotions and thoughts right now.

“If you make a mistake in the past and learn from it now, you are using clock time. On the other hand, if you dwell on it mentally, and self-criticism, remorse or guilt come up, then you are making the mistake into “me” and “mine”: You make it part of your sense of self, and it has become psychological time, which is always linked to a false sense of identity“