Mindfulness – Page 3 – Becoming more Tee

Starting the day well!

Well I seem to have managed to delete a post! Clever me. Can never leave things alone – have to tinker, have to play, have to try and make things better! Lol. So this new post can combine yesterday’s and today’s. Lesson to self – stop being such a klutz!

She’s feeling better! Don’t worry she always looks a bit sad! Her natural expression lol

I didn’t take Pretzel for a walk yesterday. The weather was awful – storm Diana (Dirty Diana as a very dear friend called her) was around in part… Not much because of where I live but she obviously likes to make her presence felt as far and wide as she possibly can. The main reason for the lack of walking though was that my very lovely but silly Pretzel has stolen my Callie’s dinner the night before… I did not know that such a small dog could be quite so sick! Anyway, because I didn’t go for that walk the day didn’t start as calmly as usual so I felt a bit out of sorts all day to be honest.

This morning – yes we walked. And because it was not too wet and cold, Pretzel was quite happy to walk beside me. She trotted happily around our usual 5K route. I listened to some music (Man of No Ego – he can be found on Spotify and YouTube), thought about my forthcoming day and watched the sky change as the sun came up and the darkness faded away.

Thinking back to yesterday – I was right not to take poor little Pretzel out. She was a sad little dog. But I did not need to go back to bed for an hour! I could have gone for the walk on my own or used some of that time for meditation. Never mind – lesson learned!

Starting the day well – or not!

I found my post from yesterday! So I have undeleted it. YAY!!

I have been a bit “out of sorts” all day. Something has just not felt right. I think that it is because I did not start my day with my usual Pretzel walk. Most days I do this 5k walk and use it to wake up; to think about the day ahead and try to concentrate and be grateful for good things that are happening. This morning = no walk. My poor little Pretzel was not very well – she had eaten something that totally disagreed with her … Dog vomit everywhere is so not pleasant especially at 2am. She still looked a little bit sorry for herself when my alarm went off at 6:10… She definitely did not want to walk around in the wind and rain. It was a gruesome morning and I must admit that a small part of me felt grateful for the excuse not to don my waterproofs and go out.

Now what I should have done is get up and gone for a walk by myself or used the time to meditate. That would have been a good idea! But no – I decided to feed my cats who were scratching at the door then go back to bed for an hour. Now, I am not saying that a lie in is not great once in a while! I am not saying that there was anything inherently wrong in doing that! What I am saying is, that, for me this morning, a walk or meditation would have been a much better way to spend my time. My head would have been clearer and I would have set myself up for the day.

Fortunately my little scruffy dog is better now so we will be back to our morning walk tomorrow!

This too shall pass…

Well the past few days have not been without their challenges but I am slowly climbing up the rock face… managing to grab a foot or hand hold here and there. Sometimes I slip backwards but mindfulness and skilful thinking catch my fall. I am pleased and proud to say that I have not fallen back into my old ways of coping – sparkling water instead of wine. Drawing on the three jewels – looking at my wrist reminding myself that this too shall pass.

So onwards I go – trying to stick to my path.

“Freedom from our addictions” – Becoming more Tee

I have had this book on my kindle for a while now but only started reading it a couple of days ago. Perfect timing. If I had read it before now I would not have applied it to me. The 12 Step Plan Russell is describing is for alcoholics, drug users… I would not have seen that I needed the liberation from my addictions, self-centredness and illusion. I would not have appreciated that I needed to totally rethink my life, world-views and attitudes. I would have seen it as a brilliant, useful, courageous book written by someone who I deeply admire but it would not have applied to me. It would not have resonated with me in the way that it has. I would know that “I am a bit fucked” (Step One) and I was beginning to see that “I could not be fucked” (Step Two). Step Three – I cannot do it on my own – was obvious. I haven’t worked through the rest in the way that Russell recommends (YET) but I need to get to the stage where I am brave enough, courageous enough to “live in a new way that’s not all about [me] and [my] previous fucked up stuff “ (Step Seven).

I started reading this book a few days after discussing world-views in my Dharma study group. All of us have views about how we think we should operate in the world, in our relationships, at work, everywhere. We believe and hope that they will result in the life we want to live. “If I act like this at work, I will do well and get promoted. This will lead to me having more money and power. I will be happier. My family will be grateful to me”. That sort of thing. “If this man does not want me – my life isn’t worth having”. “I need to have the latest iPhone, iPad, huge flat screen to be happy”. We all have views and ways of living life – for a lot of us they are seriously flawed. As Russell says, “We are trapped in a way of ‘being’ that is not working”. I am in the process of trying to change mine – to become more Tee.

It’s a hard journey. I told someone about the ups and downs – the downs are huge craters; the ups tiny. He reminded me that it is the toughest thing that I will ever do. Recovery acknowledges and addresses this. Russell knows first hand that it cannot be done alone. But crucially, it is not a one time thing. Steps 10 – 12 are about being committed to daily growth, to stay connected in these new, more authentic world views, to live life for others – not to concentrate on me, my ego.

With mindfulness, clear and radiant, I purify my mind

Anyone reading my blogs would get the impression that I am moving along my path quite smoothly. I am reading the right books, thinking the right things. I am living in the moment. Everything is going great!

Unfortunately, that is not the whole story. There are a lot of things happening in my life which causes me stress and worry. I have not got anywhere near to the point where I can accept my emotions as they are. Today, on my morning Pretzel walk I reflected on the poor choices I make when trying to relieve stress. The main one being a couple of glasses of wine at the end of the day. Only a couple, but I do not feel it is healthy for me and it goes against the 5th precept which is concerned with avoiding intoxicants as they cloud the mind.

Those who have known me for a long time may remember that I first gave up drinking at university. I spent the first year drinking at the extremely cheap university bar as practically every other student did. But, after waking up with a hangover a couple of times I decided to stop – the night of the cheap neat vodka helped make that decision I seem to remember! I was at university to get my degree and wanted to concentrate on my work. I have given it up a few times in the past few years. I should stress at this point that I do not drink rum for breakfast! And I do not drink loads in the evening… Before anyone starts panicking!

A couple of months ago I was going through a bad time but felt strong enough to stop again. I stopped for 6 weeks and felt much better ! I was reading more in the evenings, staying awake longer, I felt healthier. Then… something happened which hit me like a ton of bricks. So I went back to this detrimental way of handling stress – I turned to the couple of glasses of wine / rum and cokes in the evening to try to make me feel better.

As I was walking this morning I acknowledged that I am doing very positive things. I am walking a lot! And I mean a lot! I am definitely going to win this weeks Workweek Hustle. I am reading. I am trying not to watch so much TV (well I have finished the 5 seasons of Nashville available on Now TV). I am attending the Buddhist meetings and about to start going to the new study group. I am meditating ( albeit not enough). BUT… I am still having those couple of drinks in the evening.

Now I know that this will not sound a big deal to many people. It is a couple of drinks. Lots of people do it. But in order for me to progress on this journey I need to stop. This is my next step.

So I say to myself and to you (as someone reading this post) – from this moment forward I will be not be drinking. Sparkling water will be my new best friend. I will keep you updated.