Looking forward to 2019

Goodbye 2018 / Welcome 2019

I tend to avoid New Year’s Eve parties. I have never really enjoyed them. But I see the point of them – saying goodbye to the year that is past and welcoming in the New Year. Some people don’t like the divide between one year and the next; they see it as a false construct or as a sign that another year has gone and that they are nearer death. Some see the making of New Year’s resolutions as pointless or as just being something else to worry about.

I have always looked back at the year that has passed and I do make resolutions for the year to come. I think it is a useful construct especially this year. It is the opportunity to look at where I am on my journey and consider what I can do better/ differently to travel in the right direction, enjoy the walk, take pleasure in the scenery. At the same time I am looking at where I am now… there is a lot of happiness in my life and there is sadness. I need to live in the present – to appreciate the now but in my “now” I can do things which will help my future and aid my happiness.

I have been listening to Tony Robbins podcast with Russell Brand this morning. They were discussing “Recovery” which I have written about before. It has been good to refresh my memory and increase my understanding of the Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps. One of the most useful ideas is the view that addictions can be anything – any behaviour that I really want to stop, that I feel uncomfortable about doing but somehow keep on with. This is alcohol but is also attachment to social media, TV, a particular person. Working through the 12 steps can help with these and any addictions.

Russell and Tony ascribe to the idea that we are entitled to be happy. We have to look at what we believe happiness to be though. True happiness is not short term pleasure – that is fleeting; impermanent. According to Tibetan Buddhism, the two main things we need to be happy are mindful awareness and loving compassion. Compassion / loving kindness / metta for ourselves and for other beings. These can be built by meditation through which we can overcome negative thoughts and habitual emotional responses – we can start to live from a calmer, more peaceful place.

So, in 2019, I will continue the journey which I started this year. I believe that I can change myself, change my thinking and that I am responsible for my own happiness. How I think and how I respond to my emotions will dictate my degree of happiness. I am walking the Buddhist path as best that I can. I have practical steps which I have started to take. I will practise the 5 precepts (see below), meditate and use Russell’s interpretation of the 12 steps to help me rid myself of addictions / negative behaviour and to develop more skillful thinking and behaviours. Buddhism, the 12 steps see the goal as living a life that is compassionate, serving others. In the podcast this morning, Russell and Tony both described how helping others takes you outside of yourself and brings happiness.

I cannot expect the journey to be linear – there will be meandering, backward steps. But I shall remember what the words of a friend – “We practise the 5 precepts the best that we can; we are all practising. None of us is perfect”. What matters is that we try.

So 2018 has not been a great year in many ways. BUT it is the year in which I changed my path – started this journey. It is the year in which I got up off the floor and started moving. It is the year in which the walls which I had built up came tumbling down. It is the year in which I started to take control.

In 2019 I will continue my journey to become more Tee…

Happy New Year!

The Five Precepts

I undertake to abstain from taking life
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct
I undertake to abstain from false speech
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants/drink and drugs which cloud the mind

With deeds of loving-kindness, I purify my body
With open-handed generosity, I purify my body
With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body
With truthful communication, I purify my speech
With mindfulness clear and radiant, I purify my mind

New Year looming

So I have a plan. A dream that will progress me further on my journey. It will help my girls … it will help me progress on the Buddhist path. It’s a dream that is a plan. I am actually doing concrete things that will help it to come true.

In doing this I am trying to leave behind the sadness and heartache of 2018. 2018 brought moments of pure joy; pure happiness; fulfilment. There was a time when I had a future all there for me and for my girls … but it got taken away. I fought for that future with everything I had… but it was not to be. So now I am relying on myself. And this dream will happen. It will take place. I can see a future now.

Avoiding the roller coaster… thoughts on an early morning walk with Pretzel

So – yesterday I wrote, rather optimistically, about not getting back on the roller coaster. I wrote about continuing to follow my path calmly and with focus. Umm – yes – right….

It is easier said than done isn’t it? Especially when more things happen which make life more painful, harder. Especially when I am trying not to use the coping mechanisms I have used before – those which seem to work at the time but are just temporary fixes, covering the cracks but actually making things worse. Especially when I am trying to use more skillful methods but I am not practiced enough in them yet.

But I have moved forward – I have made progress. I am on the rock face. I may not be pulling myself back up yet – but I have halted my fall. It would have been easier in many ways just to let myself fall… But no. I have a journey; I have a path. So I am using the unfamiliar foot and hand holds to cling on to. I hope to be able to start pulling myself up soon.

So here I am. I am continuing on my path. Following the 5 precepts as well as I can. Meditating and practising the Dharma. Trying to live more mindfully and skillfully. Doing everything I can to avoid the temptation of that roller coaster.

A pit stop…

Time to pause – to take a break; have a coffee and a slice of (vegan) cake. Time to reflect. Where am I on my path? Am I negotiating the hills and rocky places? Am I managing to push my way through the bushes and forests? Have I actually managed to climb my way out of the dark, deep chasm in which I found myself? Am I enjoying those (brief) times when my path is easy and is edged with flowers and trees and the sun is shining? Is my destination any clearer? Am I walking in the same shoes – do I need to change my clothes? Find a travelling companion? Use another mode of transport? Big challenging questions which I will reflect on as I walk.

At one time I had a travelling companion. This amazing man set me off on my journey and stayed with me for a while. He always described our journey as being on a train going towards a destination taking breaks at various stations on the way. Looking back, it was a train so I had no control of the journey – I boarded the train and had to stay on it or choose to leave at the next station. I boarded that train happily and was content with the journey but we would get to a station and the destination would change. And in the end it was not me that crashed that train – I was pulling on the emergency chord to no avail. After that we walked together for a while on the same path. I saw our path stretching far into the future. But, one night, under the cover of darkness, he slipped off our path and went down another…. He decided that ours was not his path. I have no idea where that goes but I hope it is his path and that he finds happiness on it. Maybe, one day, our paths will come together once more.

So I am left walking that path – a Buddhist path – going for refuge in the Three Jewels. It is the path, the way that I have chosen. Walking, crawling, running… I am in control of where I walk, how I react to the environment and the route I choose to take. This path has its twists and turns. Everyday life throws in obstacles which I try very hard to negotiate skillfully – sometimes I succeed; often I stumble. There are often interesting side paths and lanes which entice me to explore but they are a distraction. Sometimes I go off my path and find myself in a very wet, soggy, muddy ditch. BUT – and this is a bit BUT – I climb back out onto my path and keep going. I continue on my path trying hard to keep to the 5 precepts and seek guidance and support from my friends, from the Sangha.

So I am treading the Buddhist path – practising the Dharma as best as I can. I have a final destination I guess, but that is too far ahead, too much in the distance, I am not sure of the exact route. So I have to look at my map and find landmarks along the way – look for a route which will lead – eventually – to my final destination.