Well – the last few days have been hard – so a bit of alcohol may have passed my lips …
That stops now! I have discovered that a JD and coke one evening leads to more the next evening and the next…
I don’t get drunk by any means – I only have a couple. But it leaves me sluggish and clouds my mind
Think Tee-total is the only way to go!
Wish me luck
Time to pause – to take a break; have a coffee and a slice of (vegan) cake. Time to reflect. Where am I on my path? Am I negotiating the hills and rocky places? Am I managing to push my way through the bushes and forests? Have I actually managed to climb my way out of the dark, deep chasm in which I found myself? Am I enjoying those (brief) times when my path is easy and is edged with flowers and trees and the sun is shining? Is my destination any clearer? Am I walking in the same shoes – do I need to change my clothes? Find a travelling companion? Use another mode of transport? Big challenging questions which I will reflect on as I walk.
At one time I had a travelling companion. This amazing man set me off on my journey and stayed with me for a while. He always described our journey as being on a train going towards a destination taking breaks at various stations on the way. Looking back, it was a train so I had no control of the journey – I boarded the train and had to stay on it or choose to leave at the next station. I boarded that train happily and was content with the journey but we would get to a station and the destination would change. And in the end it was not me that crashed that train – I was pulling on the emergency chord to no avail. After that we walked together for a while on the same path. I saw our path stretching far into the future. But, one night, under the cover of darkness, he slipped off our path and went down another…. He decided that ours was not his path. I have no idea where that goes but I hope it is his path and that he finds happiness on it. Maybe, one day, our paths will come together once more.
So I am left walking that path – a Buddhist path – going for refuge in the Three Jewels. It is the path, the way that I have chosen. Walking, crawling, running… I am in control of where I walk, how I react to the environment and the route I choose to take. This path has its twists and turns. Everyday life throws in obstacles which I try very hard to negotiate skillfully – sometimes I succeed; often I stumble. There are often interesting side paths and lanes which entice me to explore but they are a distraction. Sometimes I go off my path and find myself in a very wet, soggy, muddy ditch. BUT – and this is a bit BUT – I climb back out onto my path and keep going. I continue on my path trying hard to keep to the 5 precepts and seek guidance and support from my friends, from the Sangha.
So I am treading the Buddhist path – practising the Dharma as best as I can. I have a final destination I guess, but that is too far ahead, too much in the distance, I am not sure of the exact route. So I have to look at my map and find landmarks along the way – look for a route which will lead – eventually – to my final destination.
At a Death Cafe people drink tea, eat cake and discuss death. Our aim is to increase awareness of death to help people make the most of their (finite) lives.
Today I attended my first Death Cafe. It was arranged by three Buddhists and held in the space where Buddhist Meetings are held – but it was not a Buddhist event. It was attended by people volunteering and working at the local hospice as well as Buddhists and people interested in discussing death over tea / coffee and cake.
The agenda was not set. There were groups of chairs arranged in three circles. We all chose a chair and sat down on it. After an introduction which talked about the purpose of the cafe, the rules (respect, what is said in the room stays in the room – that sort of thing) we sat and talked.
I expected it to be awkward! No, it definitely wasn’t. The conversation just flowed. My group covered all sorts of aspects of death (the lead up, what happens afterwards, wills, funerals, the impermanence of life….). There was discussion; there was laughter.
I am continuing to be inspired by the people I meet, the conversations I have. This morning brought me closer to someone I already know from the meetings – we are going out for coffee soon – and I met new people.
A few months ago I would not have dreamt of going to an event like this. I would have found it weird! It would not have been “my thing”. I am very happy that it is now definitely “my sort of thing”.
Well I seem to have managed to delete a post! Clever me. Can never leave things alone – have to tinker, have to play, have to try and make things better! Lol. So this new post can combine yesterday’s and today’s. Lesson to self – stop being such a klutz!
I didn’t take Pretzel for a walk yesterday. The weather was awful – storm Diana (Dirty Diana as a very dear friend called her) was around in part… Not much because of where I live but she obviously likes to make her presence felt as far and wide as she possibly can. The main reason for the lack of walking though was that my very lovely but silly Pretzel has stolen my Callie’s dinner the night before… I did not know that such a small dog could be quite so sick! Anyway, because I didn’t go for that walk the day didn’t start as calmly as usual so I felt a bit out of sorts all day to be honest.
This morning – yes we walked. And because it was not too wet and cold, Pretzel was quite happy to walk beside me. She trotted happily around our usual 5K route. I listened to some music (Man of No Ego – he can be found on Spotify and YouTube), thought about my forthcoming day and watched the sky change as the sun came up and the darkness faded away.
Thinking back to yesterday – I was right not to take poor little Pretzel out. She was a sad little dog. But I did not need to go back to bed for an hour! I could have gone for the walk on my own or used some of that time for meditation. Never mind – lesson learned!
I have been a bit “out of sorts” all day. Something has just not felt right. I think that it is because I did not start my day with my usual Pretzel walk. Most days I do this 5k walk and use it to wake up; to think about the day ahead and try to concentrate and be grateful for good things that are happening. This morning = no walk. My poor little Pretzel was not very well – she had eaten something that totally disagreed with her … Dog vomit everywhere is so not pleasant especially at 2am. She still looked a little bit sorry for herself when my alarm went off at 6:10… She definitely did not want to walk around in the wind and rain. It was a gruesome morning and I must admit that a small part of me felt grateful for the excuse not to don my waterproofs and go out.
Now what I should have done is get up and gone for a walk by myself or used the time to meditate. That would have been a good idea! But no – I decided to feed my cats who were scratching at the door then go back to bed for an hour. Now, I am not saying that a lie in is not great once in a while! I am not saying that there was anything inherently wrong in doing that! What I am saying is, that, for me this morning, a walk or meditation would have been a much better way to spend my time. My head would have been clearer and I would have set myself up for the day.
Fortunately my little scruffy dog is better now so we will be back to our morning walk tomorrow!
I was challenged to post 10 books which I love or have had an impact on me ( one a day). It is difficult to choose just 10! For Day One I chose the first book of Simone de Beauvoir’s autobiography which I first read at university many years ago. This book and the subsequent ones showed me that I could choose how I live – although choices have consequences.
For Day Two I have chosen “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. http://amzn.eu/d/2xCjzvB. This is an incredible book which shows the impact trauma of any kind has on the body. Medication and talking therapies are not sufficient to change these physical imprints – in fact talking therapies have the tendency to strengthen the harm inflicted.
“Trauma constantly confronts us with our fragility and with man’s inhumanity to man but also with our extraordinary resilience”. There is no romanticising of trauma in the book – it is shown in all its horror and suffering. However, there is the recognition people endure terrible trauma and their symptoms are part of their strength, the ways in which they have learned to survive.
The book is concerned with trauma, with specific events which cause immense suffering. However, I was also reading it through the eyes of someone who knows and loves people with deep depression and anxiety which have not been brought about by specific events but are every bit as real and painful. It would seem to me that their experiences have also left physical change requiring an approach which recognises the whole person and the depth of the suffering.
