Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 3)

Convention Realisation!

All of the reasons for living the life that I was living are all tied up together like a bag of tangled wool. I did what I thought I should do because of fear, because of fear of going against convention which all led to a distinct lack of imagination. Now I am not berating myself for that any more. I chose what I chose and I have had / am having such a good life overall. My intention here is not to look back and feel regret but to learn from what it all. I want to live a life in which I am true to what I want and which is helpful to others. I am trying to live less selfishly and more open to the needs of other people. I need to feel a certain amount of freedom to be able to do this.

What I do not want to do is to continue around the same wheel. I need to get off the wheel and start the spiral; in fact I have, I think, stepped a little off the wheel. I just have to live mindfully and make decisions carefully; I cannot afford to slip backwards!

I know that I have lived a lot of my life according to how I think I should live. Convention; what is right. I was brought up to think that the aim of life is to get a reasonable job, get married, have children and go on holiday once a year. That’s what my parents wanted for me. Now – they wanted that for me because that is the right way to live but also because they were so happy living that way. My Mum and Dad lived for each other and for their family and friends. Because that was the way in which they wanted to live, their life left them free to help others. They were always doing things for others. My Mum still does whatever she can although her ability to do this is restricted now. There must be a lot of elderly people in Hereford who are missing the hot meals and cakes which Mum used to make for them.

This post started off looking at convention and my need to conform. But, just now I have changed the title to “Realisation”. As I was writing about my Mum and Dad, I saw that they chose the life they led in many ways – it was the life they wanted! Ok, they were, as we all are, constrained by circumstances such as lack of money, illness … but they did live authentically. They were true to themselves. And part of that life was looking after family and friends.

I keep talking in the past tense. Over the last couple of years, life changed so much for them and now Mum is on her own. The life that she was living with Dad has gone. But my Mum still carries on living life as fully as she can. Her friendships continue; her faith continues; her determination not to wallow in sadness and grief continues. My Mum still cares for the people around her and does what she can to make their day better whether they are the Home Staff, fellow residents, family or friends. There are such a lot of lessons to be learnt from my Mum.

Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 2)

FEAR!

I was talking with a friend – well messaging via Whatsapp actually rather than talking – yesterday and this morning. This friend is an amazing man and always makes me think more deeply about myself and my life. He is the one who introduced me to Buddhism in the first place so has witnessed a lot of my growth, frustrations, my journey. He knows me very well, better than anyone in some ways. Anyway as we were messaging I began to realise how much fear has played and is still playing in my life. I knew that it was there (as discussed in Part 1 of this [possibly grandly named] mini series; but I hadn’t fully experienced how deeply seated it is.

In embracing Buddhism I have had to look deeply into myself and face what I am, how I have got to be how I am and accept it; not only accept it but to try to feel compassion and love (Metta) towards myself. There is a lot in that which I won’t unpack completely here – it would take a book or two! But what is relevant is this: Buddhists believe that there is no set self as such. The self is ever changing. I might repeat the same behaviours, feel the same things etc over and over again but that is not because I am a set self. When I studied the Self at University all of those years ago, the idea of a set self seemed prevalent and that is what I believed at the time: I am who I am; I may be able to tweak myself but I cannot fundamentally change. I seem to remember writing a few essays on the subject all with the same conclusion. But now I see that I am who I am because of conditioning and how I have reacted to situation and events. This means that I can change. Just saying “that’s who I am; I cannot change” does not cut it any more.

Back to the fear thing! I think that fear has manifested itself and continues to try to manifest itself in many ways. Fear of looking deep inside myself and facing what I might find; fear of doing something that is not conventional / not normal; fear of doing something new; fear of being someone new; fear of being alone; fear of doing things alone….. So many ways in which fear has played a part in my life. So many times I have moved towards a more authentic life, a life more suited to me – and so many times fear has played a part in pushing me right back on the same old path.

But not this time! Now is the time when I accept the fears. Accept that I am afraid. Now is the time to confront those fears and to question them. Look them in the eye. I have made steps this year on my journey down this different path. And I know that I need to rest here for a little while to do what I need and positively want to do now. I need to work on myself, learn more about this Buddhist path that I am on and to reflect. What I don’t need to do is to give in to my fears and go back to the same old well-trodden path to which I have always returned.

I have mentioned the fears involved in facing myself and what I am at the moment. It means taking a long hard look at my reactions to events and situations over the years. It can be so extremely uncomfortable to do this! My past behaviours, actions and emotions were often so flawed, so unskilful. And yes – they often still are; I am just slightly better at using the gap between the event and my possible reactions to it.

Yes – fear has definitely helped to keep the bird in its cage. I may have stepped outside of it a few times in the past but fear has pulled me right back in. Now is the time to step outside and look around. Ready for flight.

Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 1)

I haven’t written a blog post for a little while – mainly because I have been thinking and pondering about my life – how I have got to where I am and where I am going next. It’s a big subject! But it needs exploring because, otherwise, I am in danger of continuing to go round on the same wheel again and again and again. I have started to write pieces for this blog but – as I write – I realise something new every time…. And I have had to start again!

I have started reading a book by a Buddhist Order Member called Manjusvara – “Writing Your Way”. Manjusvara means “Gentle Music” – what a lovely name to be given at ordination! He runs writing courses called “The Wolf at the Door” which I would love to attend one day. His basic premise is that writing is much more than the finished article ready for publication; through writing the person discovers hidden dimensions of themselves. In the forward, his friend says that Manjusvara is:

“a man who fully lives his philosophy, whose daily life is an enactment of his core beliefs. That is why this book will be of great interest to all those who are trying to live emotionally richer and more harmonious lives in a world dogged by materialism and pressure to conform!”

So I have been using writing to explore the decisions that I have made. I am not exploring them in order to feel guilty or to feel regrets or to imagine what would have happened if I had made different choices – there is little point in that. No – I am looking at the motivations behind my decisions. I am looking to see if there is a trend, a common thread. If there is a link, then maybe I can step off the roundabout and make different choices in the future.

So I look to the decisions that I have made. And, actually, some of those decisions were damned brave! Took courage… took a lot of sparkle! Looking back – those were my best ones. Other decisions were not as great – and, I think that I have some themes to explore:

convention. Being tied up with the ropes of convention, what I should be doing, what “normal” people do
fear! The fear of making a mistake; the fear of judgement; the fear of the unknown
A lack of imagination. Being only able to imagine my life being led in a certain way.

And those three things lead to a live less lived! As the Meatloaf song says,”You’ve been living your life like a girl in a cage And you whisper when I want you to shout”.

To come back to Manjusvara’s book – one of the exercises he sets is to think what would make a good title for your autobiography. At the moment my thoughts are around being a bird in a cage unable to fly free- but that cage isn’t really a cage! It is a cage built of those three things – fear, convention and my lack of imagination. Every so often I have taken a step through the door only to turn and go back inside shutting the door behind me.

Of course, there is a lot to learn from my good decisions – or what I now see as being good decisions. The categorisation of a decision as “good” or “bad” fluctuates over time depending on what has happened since and other factors. And what makes a good decision or a bad decision may be affected by circumstances outside of my control…. For example, my decision to leave teaching to do a PhD did not turn out well but that was nothing to do with the original decision but things that happened later.

I am in danger of going round in circles now! Getting myself into a muddle… So I will leave it there!

Rambling over for today!

The courage to take a new path

The poem below was read at the beginning of a meditation in the Shrine Room on the retreat I went to at the weekend. It made such utter sense to me! It summed up my life so perfectly. Talking with others, it made sense to them too. Some felt that they were still walking down the same path and falling down the hole whilst others felt that, at least, they were climbing out more quickly.

There needs to be several things in place to be able to choose to walk down another path. There has to be the recognition that we keep choosing the same path which leads us to the the same place, to fall down the same hole, to make the same mistakes over and over. We must have the knowledge that we can do more than just skirting around the hole; to know that the same problems will continue to arise for as long as we continue down the same route, travel the same course. We must understand that there is another way even if it is hidden by social convention, our ignorance, our fears. We must have the courage to take another path. We have to be aware that there will be people, things, events that we will leave behind on the old path. Most people will stay where they are. Things will look different on the new path, a lot of them will not be of any use or will be an hindrance. New events / outcomes will result from taking a new way. We must want to take the new path enough to look for it and learn how to navigate it. We may even have to create some of that path for ourselves; it might not yet fully exist. Most of all we must have the courage to take this new path, to walk where we have never even considered walking before, to walk away from what is known, to face the fear of the new.

“We can ask ourselves how much we have given up because of fear? How have we tried to protect ourselves from all that is threatening to who we believe ourselves to be, from all that is outside whatever small comfort zone we’ve created for ourselves? How has it felt to live in this degree of defendedness? Everything we long for is beyond the wall of fear”

(Kathleen Dowling Singh)

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.