Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 3)

Convention Realisation!

All of the reasons for living the life that I was living are all tied up together like a bag of tangled wool. I did what I thought I should do because of fear, because of fear of going against convention which all led to a distinct lack of imagination. Now I am not berating myself for that any more. I chose what I chose and I have had / am having such a good life overall. My intention here is not to look back and feel regret but to learn from what it all. I want to live a life in which I am true to what I want and which is helpful to others. I am trying to live less selfishly and more open to the needs of other people. I need to feel a certain amount of freedom to be able to do this.

What I do not want to do is to continue around the same wheel. I need to get off the wheel and start the spiral; in fact I have, I think, stepped a little off the wheel. I just have to live mindfully and make decisions carefully; I cannot afford to slip backwards!

I know that I have lived a lot of my life according to how I think I should live. Convention; what is right. I was brought up to think that the aim of life is to get a reasonable job, get married, have children and go on holiday once a year. That’s what my parents wanted for me. Now – they wanted that for me because that is the right way to live but also because they were so happy living that way. My Mum and Dad lived for each other and for their family and friends. Because that was the way in which they wanted to live, their life left them free to help others. They were always doing things for others. My Mum still does whatever she can although her ability to do this is restricted now. There must be a lot of elderly people in Hereford who are missing the hot meals and cakes which Mum used to make for them.

This post started off looking at convention and my need to conform. But, just now I have changed the title to “Realisation”. As I was writing about my Mum and Dad, I saw that they chose the life they led in many ways – it was the life they wanted! Ok, they were, as we all are, constrained by circumstances such as lack of money, illness … but they did live authentically. They were true to themselves. And part of that life was looking after family and friends.

I keep talking in the past tense. Over the last couple of years, life changed so much for them and now Mum is on her own. The life that she was living with Dad has gone. But my Mum still carries on living life as fully as she can. Her friendships continue; her faith continues; her determination not to wallow in sadness and grief continues. My Mum still cares for the people around her and does what she can to make their day better whether they are the Home Staff, fellow residents, family or friends. There are such a lot of lessons to be learnt from my Mum.

Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 1)

I haven’t written a blog post for a little while – mainly because I have been thinking and pondering about my life – how I have got to where I am and where I am going next. It’s a big subject! But it needs exploring because, otherwise, I am in danger of continuing to go round on the same wheel again and again and again. I have started to write pieces for this blog but – as I write – I realise something new every time…. And I have had to start again!

I have started reading a book by a Buddhist Order Member called Manjusvara – “Writing Your Way”. Manjusvara means “Gentle Music” – what a lovely name to be given at ordination! He runs writing courses called “The Wolf at the Door” which I would love to attend one day. His basic premise is that writing is much more than the finished article ready for publication; through writing the person discovers hidden dimensions of themselves. In the forward, his friend says that Manjusvara is:

“a man who fully lives his philosophy, whose daily life is an enactment of his core beliefs. That is why this book will be of great interest to all those who are trying to live emotionally richer and more harmonious lives in a world dogged by materialism and pressure to conform!”

So I have been using writing to explore the decisions that I have made. I am not exploring them in order to feel guilty or to feel regrets or to imagine what would have happened if I had made different choices – there is little point in that. No – I am looking at the motivations behind my decisions. I am looking to see if there is a trend, a common thread. If there is a link, then maybe I can step off the roundabout and make different choices in the future.

So I look to the decisions that I have made. And, actually, some of those decisions were damned brave! Took courage… took a lot of sparkle! Looking back – those were my best ones. Other decisions were not as great – and, I think that I have some themes to explore:

convention. Being tied up with the ropes of convention, what I should be doing, what “normal” people do
fear! The fear of making a mistake; the fear of judgement; the fear of the unknown
A lack of imagination. Being only able to imagine my life being led in a certain way.

And those three things lead to a live less lived! As the Meatloaf song says,”You’ve been living your life like a girl in a cage And you whisper when I want you to shout”.

To come back to Manjusvara’s book – one of the exercises he sets is to think what would make a good title for your autobiography. At the moment my thoughts are around being a bird in a cage unable to fly free- but that cage isn’t really a cage! It is a cage built of those three things – fear, convention and my lack of imagination. Every so often I have taken a step through the door only to turn and go back inside shutting the door behind me.

Of course, there is a lot to learn from my good decisions – or what I now see as being good decisions. The categorisation of a decision as “good” or “bad” fluctuates over time depending on what has happened since and other factors. And what makes a good decision or a bad decision may be affected by circumstances outside of my control…. For example, my decision to leave teaching to do a PhD did not turn out well but that was nothing to do with the original decision but things that happened later.

I am in danger of going round in circles now! Getting myself into a muddle… So I will leave it there!

Rambling over for today!

Decisions… Decisions… Decisions

I started this blog to look at and document my journey to “becoming more Tee”. I wanted to change myself, change my life, change my path. I had seen that that was possible. That was back in November. Since then a lot of my life has changed. Much that has changed has been caused by the decisions that I have made; other changes have been caused by other people’s decisions or to the undeniable fact of impermanence. And I have changed – hopefully for the better. I have walked further down the path, moved forward in my journey and now I am at a crossroad not exactly sure of the best way to go. Actually “crossroad” may not be the best analogy – that sounds too clear cut! Choose whether to go right, left or straight on (never backwards). I think that it is more as if I am in a campsite at the edge of a wood with several entrances. I can stay here for a while. I can enjoy it here for a while, living in the present, seeing the joy in the present. But, at some point my resources will run out and I have to choose an entrance and a path.

Making a decision about how to live is hard! How is it best to make these decisions? Agonise over them? Write endless pros and cons lists? Talk with friends – risking boring them to death? Jump in quickly without too much thought trusting ones instincts? Procrastinate until a decision is made for you by circumstances or other people? Follow the common, normal, accepted path (e.g. get a job, house, partner, have children, retire….). Have an end goal to which everything is directed? Looking back I have made decisions by all of these methods at one time or another!

Last year I thought outside of the box, ditched the route that I was on and made a somewhat (to me) radical plan. I made the plan quite quickly but thought about it from as many angles as I could. Now I have achieved the plan as far as it went – I have sold my house, bought and moved into a caravan, resigned from my job and taken my youngest daughter out of school. The boxes are ticked. I have done what I set out to do. But what now? What do I do now?

There are some certainties. I will be home schooling my daughter from when term would start for her in September. And I am so determined to do that to the best of my abilities. Get her out and about, help her with studying for GCSEs, involve everyone I need to in order to make her schooling as interesting and beneficial as possible. . I also want to be available for my oldest daughter who will be starting college studying for her A levels – a wonderfully exciting time for her as she approaches adulthood. So any work I do will need to be part time.

Another certainty is my training for ordination. Practising the Dharma, immersing myself within it, following it – that helps to shape my life. The Dharma is my raft towards Enlightenment. So my way of living my life is clear to me in a broad sense – I want to live a life of service to others, following the precepts as best I can and deepen my practice as best I can, however I can including through meditation, spiritual friendship, reading and retreats.

So there is a lot of certainty. But so much is still unclear to me. When do I start to look for part time work? What do I look for? What do I want to do? And – I have no idea!! None at all. I have decided to take July and August off completely, but July is nearly over….

I was messaging an old friend today. And this made me think how decisions I have made have affected my life – including those times when I let circumstances and other people make those decisions for me. 35 years ago I was madly in love with this friend. But I was a very timid teenager with very low self-esteem. He was funny, good looking and extremely popular – there was no way that he could be interested in me! So I never let him know (well until years later) – and eventually he started going out with some one else and I got together with the guy who would become my first husband. Yes – some of my decisions were not (in hindsight) the best I could have made – including choosing marriage over the opportunity to do a PhD….

But all of the decisions (good or bad, skilful or unskilful) I have made (or have not made) have led me to now, to the person that I am today. And that is okay. I also know that I am extremely fortunate to be in a position where I have choices – so many people are trapped. So I know that I am lucky. I am enjoying my life at the moment. I have just got to decide where to go from here!