It’s all a bit weird…

Its all a bit weird and strange isn’t it? The world is suddenly a very different place. Our lives have changed radically . A lot of what we were used to doing we can no longer do. A strong lesson in impermanence!

I must admit it all threw me off course for a little while. I must admit to not taking this virus seriously enough at first – I never really believed that it would be this dangerous and as widespread. I always try to look at things calm without catastrophising. Obviously I was completely wrong! It is something to take very seriously indeed.

I am okay at home. I had a very stressful and worrying few days when I thought that I would have to leave here and go elsewhere. Fortunately I have a lovely friend who was fully prepared to welcome myself, my two cats and my dog into her home. I think that we are both truly thankful that that didn’t happen. We get on very well – but her flat is very small! I miss my girls who are with their Dad. However, I know that they are safe and looked after. And we have FaceTime, texts etc. I am okay here with Pretzel, JD and Smirnoff. Pretzel and I have just had our one trip out for a walk for the day on Bexhill beach staying well away from others. The cats come and go as they always do – they are currently asleep on Callie’s bed. It is actually really lovely to have space and time to read, sew, crochet, meditate, watch a bit of TV and just be. Life can get very hectic normally.

I do feel sorry for those who feel very isolated and alone though. It must be very tough for those who haven’t got access to the Internet and / or people checking in on them. I am also in awe of those wonderful people working in hospitals and care homes risking their lives in many cases and working extremely hard. Also those working in supermarkets having to deal with stressed shoppers looking for toilet rolls and pasta. There are a lot of people (Keyworkers) still working very hard.

And what about those poor teenagers who have spent the last couple of years studying hard for GCSEs and A Levels? This must have thrown them a bit of a curve ball!

This is making me realise what is important to me. Family, friends, a safe place to live. I am fortunate that I don’t mind a simple life. I enjoy being on my own. I have time to meditate, read, sew, work on a spreadsheet for the local hospice. When we get back to “normality” I hope that I continue to live spaciousness, calmly and peacefully.

If this hadn’t of happened; if we were living normally – not in lockdown – I would have been at my Sangha evening earlier. I was planning to build a shrine to Amoghasiddhi, the fearless dark green Buddha of the North. Instead I sat at home, in my caravan, and worked on a spreadsheet.

So this evening, I consider myself to be lucky. The caravan site hasn’t closed its doors to us. I have a home; I have food; I have my pets. I can talk to family and friends on line. I can read, sew, sleep comfortably. I can play Zoo Tycoon, watch Law and Order SVU. Once a day I can take my Pretzel out for a walk. I can meditate, reflect and continue my study of the Five Buddha Mandala.

I am not sure that I would be taking it all so well a couple of years ago. The Three Jewels help me to stay balanced and calm. This human life is precious. It is full of suffering and impermanence but it is precious and can be joyful.

Happy first birthday to Becoming More Tee

Well it has been a year! A year ago today I wrote my first blog post. It was about my walk with Pretzel.

I remember that weekend well. I had been very miserable – lots of things were not going as I thought that they should! I was in danger of giving in to it all and wallowing in sadness and depression. But that Saturday morning I woke up and decided that things had to change. I had to look at things differently. I had to change what I could change and find a way of accepting what I couldn’t. I spent most of the weekend setting up this blog. Things hadn’t changed – the situation was still the same but I made up my mind to think differently about it all.

The mind is everything; what you think you become

Things have changed a bit since then. Everything is impermanent; nothing stays the same. Some things I have managed to change for the better. Some situations just got worse and new things are always surfacing. Life is not perfect – but it never will be. But I am handling it all better – well, most of the time.

I have just reread the “About Me” blurb for this blog. I was considering rewriting it. But – no! It all still stands. I am still on this incredibly difficult but exciting journey. I still wander off my path all too often but get back to it and continue walking. The man who showed me this path is, sadly, no longer very present in my life. He reappears briefly now and then. However, I am still so grateful to him. I would not be where I am today without him.

I know that I haven’t been posting as much as I used to. That isn’t because I am losing interest. It is more that there are lots of things that I am still processing. My thoughts are often not clear enough to be able to write about them in any coherent way. But there are things coming up that I know I will want to write about so I am sure that there will be more posts soon.

Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 3)

Convention Realisation!

All of the reasons for living the life that I was living are all tied up together like a bag of tangled wool. I did what I thought I should do because of fear, because of fear of going against convention which all led to a distinct lack of imagination. Now I am not berating myself for that any more. I chose what I chose and I have had / am having such a good life overall. My intention here is not to look back and feel regret but to learn from what it all. I want to live a life in which I am true to what I want and which is helpful to others. I am trying to live less selfishly and more open to the needs of other people. I need to feel a certain amount of freedom to be able to do this.

What I do not want to do is to continue around the same wheel. I need to get off the wheel and start the spiral; in fact I have, I think, stepped a little off the wheel. I just have to live mindfully and make decisions carefully; I cannot afford to slip backwards!

I know that I have lived a lot of my life according to how I think I should live. Convention; what is right. I was brought up to think that the aim of life is to get a reasonable job, get married, have children and go on holiday once a year. That’s what my parents wanted for me. Now – they wanted that for me because that is the right way to live but also because they were so happy living that way. My Mum and Dad lived for each other and for their family and friends. Because that was the way in which they wanted to live, their life left them free to help others. They were always doing things for others. My Mum still does whatever she can although her ability to do this is restricted now. There must be a lot of elderly people in Hereford who are missing the hot meals and cakes which Mum used to make for them.

This post started off looking at convention and my need to conform. But, just now I have changed the title to “Realisation”. As I was writing about my Mum and Dad, I saw that they chose the life they led in many ways – it was the life they wanted! Ok, they were, as we all are, constrained by circumstances such as lack of money, illness … but they did live authentically. They were true to themselves. And part of that life was looking after family and friends.

I keep talking in the past tense. Over the last couple of years, life changed so much for them and now Mum is on her own. The life that she was living with Dad has gone. But my Mum still carries on living life as fully as she can. Her friendships continue; her faith continues; her determination not to wallow in sadness and grief continues. My Mum still cares for the people around her and does what she can to make their day better whether they are the Home Staff, fellow residents, family or friends. There are such a lot of lessons to be learnt from my Mum.

Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 2)

FEAR!

I was talking with a friend – well messaging via Whatsapp actually rather than talking – yesterday and this morning. This friend is an amazing man and always makes me think more deeply about myself and my life. He is the one who introduced me to Buddhism in the first place so has witnessed a lot of my growth, frustrations, my journey. He knows me very well, better than anyone in some ways. Anyway as we were messaging I began to realise how much fear has played and is still playing in my life. I knew that it was there (as discussed in Part 1 of this [possibly grandly named] mini series; but I hadn’t fully experienced how deeply seated it is.

In embracing Buddhism I have had to look deeply into myself and face what I am, how I have got to be how I am and accept it; not only accept it but to try to feel compassion and love (Metta) towards myself. There is a lot in that which I won’t unpack completely here – it would take a book or two! But what is relevant is this: Buddhists believe that there is no set self as such. The self is ever changing. I might repeat the same behaviours, feel the same things etc over and over again but that is not because I am a set self. When I studied the Self at University all of those years ago, the idea of a set self seemed prevalent and that is what I believed at the time: I am who I am; I may be able to tweak myself but I cannot fundamentally change. I seem to remember writing a few essays on the subject all with the same conclusion. But now I see that I am who I am because of conditioning and how I have reacted to situation and events. This means that I can change. Just saying “that’s who I am; I cannot change” does not cut it any more.

Back to the fear thing! I think that fear has manifested itself and continues to try to manifest itself in many ways. Fear of looking deep inside myself and facing what I might find; fear of doing something that is not conventional / not normal; fear of doing something new; fear of being someone new; fear of being alone; fear of doing things alone….. So many ways in which fear has played a part in my life. So many times I have moved towards a more authentic life, a life more suited to me – and so many times fear has played a part in pushing me right back on the same old path.

But not this time! Now is the time when I accept the fears. Accept that I am afraid. Now is the time to confront those fears and to question them. Look them in the eye. I have made steps this year on my journey down this different path. And I know that I need to rest here for a little while to do what I need and positively want to do now. I need to work on myself, learn more about this Buddhist path that I am on and to reflect. What I don’t need to do is to give in to my fears and go back to the same old well-trodden path to which I have always returned.

I have mentioned the fears involved in facing myself and what I am at the moment. It means taking a long hard look at my reactions to events and situations over the years. It can be so extremely uncomfortable to do this! My past behaviours, actions and emotions were often so flawed, so unskilful. And yes – they often still are; I am just slightly better at using the gap between the event and my possible reactions to it.

Yes – fear has definitely helped to keep the bird in its cage. I may have stepped outside of it a few times in the past but fear has pulled me right back in. Now is the time to step outside and look around. Ready for flight.

A year ago

I posted the picture at the top of this post onto my Instagram account a year ago. I look all smiley don’t I? I had just had my hair cut and coloured and loved it. But … at that time I wasn’t having the best time to say the least! What was happening? Well…

I was in a job which no longer gave me much satisfaction. I loved and admired many of the people I worked with but the job itself had changed. I was never made to be at the computer all day everyday! The service had changed; Children’s Centres were not as they were; families were not helped as they used to be; Health Visiting is still universal but….

There was a lot going on with my family and friends. Much illness and suffering. I felt that I was not able to help and support them as much as I should.

I was living through the long tortuous end to a relationship which, although short lived in time, was very precious to me.

But there were flashes of light! I had been going to the Sangha Evening for a couple of months and was making friends there. I was beginning to see myself as a Buddhist and knew that this was where I wanted to be. I was yet to take the step into becoming a Mitra but I knew this would happen some day.

Since then! I have become a Mitra and am now training for Ordination. I have sold my house and now live in a caravan which I love. My eldest daughter did fabulously in her GCSEs and is now at college. My other daughter is homeschooled which is much better for her. I left my job and am fortunate enough to be able to not work for a while.

Sad things happened … incredibly sad. My Dad becoming ill and passing away; my Mum having to move into a home. My childhood house is being sold. My Mum is so strong though and is making the most of her life.

So yes – a lot has happened since I posted that picture. It’s strange to think that, at that time – I hadn’t even had the thought of selling my house and leaving my job !

Nothing is permanent; everything changes

Why hasn’t the bird stepped out of her cage and flown to freedom (Part 1)

I haven’t written a blog post for a little while – mainly because I have been thinking and pondering about my life – how I have got to where I am and where I am going next. It’s a big subject! But it needs exploring because, otherwise, I am in danger of continuing to go round on the same wheel again and again and again. I have started to write pieces for this blog but – as I write – I realise something new every time…. And I have had to start again!

I have started reading a book by a Buddhist Order Member called Manjusvara – “Writing Your Way”. Manjusvara means “Gentle Music” – what a lovely name to be given at ordination! He runs writing courses called “The Wolf at the Door” which I would love to attend one day. His basic premise is that writing is much more than the finished article ready for publication; through writing the person discovers hidden dimensions of themselves. In the forward, his friend says that Manjusvara is:

“a man who fully lives his philosophy, whose daily life is an enactment of his core beliefs. That is why this book will be of great interest to all those who are trying to live emotionally richer and more harmonious lives in a world dogged by materialism and pressure to conform!”

So I have been using writing to explore the decisions that I have made. I am not exploring them in order to feel guilty or to feel regrets or to imagine what would have happened if I had made different choices – there is little point in that. No – I am looking at the motivations behind my decisions. I am looking to see if there is a trend, a common thread. If there is a link, then maybe I can step off the roundabout and make different choices in the future.

So I look to the decisions that I have made. And, actually, some of those decisions were damned brave! Took courage… took a lot of sparkle! Looking back – those were my best ones. Other decisions were not as great – and, I think that I have some themes to explore:

convention. Being tied up with the ropes of convention, what I should be doing, what “normal” people do
fear! The fear of making a mistake; the fear of judgement; the fear of the unknown
A lack of imagination. Being only able to imagine my life being led in a certain way.

And those three things lead to a live less lived! As the Meatloaf song says,”You’ve been living your life like a girl in a cage And you whisper when I want you to shout”.

To come back to Manjusvara’s book – one of the exercises he sets is to think what would make a good title for your autobiography. At the moment my thoughts are around being a bird in a cage unable to fly free- but that cage isn’t really a cage! It is a cage built of those three things – fear, convention and my lack of imagination. Every so often I have taken a step through the door only to turn and go back inside shutting the door behind me.

Of course, there is a lot to learn from my good decisions – or what I now see as being good decisions. The categorisation of a decision as “good” or “bad” fluctuates over time depending on what has happened since and other factors. And what makes a good decision or a bad decision may be affected by circumstances outside of my control…. For example, my decision to leave teaching to do a PhD did not turn out well but that was nothing to do with the original decision but things that happened later.

I am in danger of going round in circles now! Getting myself into a muddle… So I will leave it there!

Rambling over for today!

How did I ever live through it all before Buddhism?

Last week I was checking in at a Buddhist Group and I found myself wondering aloud, “Just how did I get through everything before Buddhism?”. Before the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha came into my life? Before I knew to go to refuge in these Three Jewels? How did I manage to survive this life before I was introduced to Buddhism? How did I get through the constant struggles that life always presents us with? How did I enjoy the good times which I knew would end? How did I manage to be any way near happy and content through the struggles which seem to have hit over the past couple of years?

I can say how I attempted to do all of that. Some of the ways were good or, at least not dreadful!. I am fortunate that I have some incredibly good friends and we support each other. My girls always helped just by being there just as my lovely Pretzel, JD and Smirnoff did. A walk with Pretzel is always a great mood enhancer. Having a cat or two on my lap is always lovely. I would book holidays and have things to look forward to … this was a good strategy as long as there was always something to look forward to. It did mean that a lot of life wasn’t appreciated as I was always awaiting Friday evening or the holiday in the sun. This strategy involved a lot of living in the future or recalling pleasant memories of the past but helped to get me through. There were other strategies too – alcohol was definitely a big help! Not in large quantities but a few glasses of wine to numb the senses and dim the worry for a while. I got involved in things – running, Power lifting…. exercise is always a good thing to do (unless done to excess which may have been a problem at times). Boxsets were a feature – a way of forgetting about life for a while.

These ways of living life weren’t bad in themselves – unless taken to excess. Friendship, pets and family were always a positive feature in my life. But now, looking back, a lot of my ways of coping seem to be very short-term strategies. They were strategies which took me away from my life, emotions and thoughts. They took me away from me. Life was passing me by because I wasn’t living in it properly! I was always trying to numb it or to be somewhere else!

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will know that I now try to live my life differently. I don’t always succeed in living in the present but I am at least trying to do so. Buddhism has given meaning to my life, a sense of purpose. It also gives me ways of thinking about my life and thoughts on how to live it. Buddhism doesn’t provide me with a step by step plan – I have to work all of that out for myself! But it does provide pointers and methods! All that I have done to change my life in the last year has been down to my new world-view – simplifying my life, putting myself and those I love ahead of convention and the supposedly safer way to live. I still have a fair way to go but I have made a start.

Because I see life differently now, it feels more full of meaning. Life is so precious! It is so short and can end at any moment. So I need to build a life which I love living rather than trying to escape it. I need to live life fully and gratefully rather than craving something else. And everything changes – those things which make us suffer will end at some point, or at least change. And when something happens (the first arrow strikes), I don’t need to make it worse by firing that second arrow of worry and “why me?” at myself. I now try to face it all head on and work my way through it. (I try – doesn’t mean I always succeed!!).

I still use strategies for dealing with life when things aren’t going as well. I still take Pretzel for a walk. I still talk to friends (and my friendship circle has increased so much in the last year). I still look forward to things. I do all of that. I still have the occasional glass of wine or watch a Boxset (NCIS is the current favourite) but I don’t do these to escape my life any more. I do them because I want to do them for a little while. But I have other ways now – meditation! I never thought that I would be that person who has meditated at least once a day for over 130 days. Meditation is so powerful – it calms my mind and provides a sense of peace and stillness. Not always! Sometimes meditation throws up important truths which bring temporary discomfort but lead to me being a better person eventually. Mindfulness – trying to live in the present… living with intention… trying to make each moment count. This has led me back to doing some of the things I used to love to do but haven’t been able to concentrate on or have the energy for (reading, sewing, embroidery….).

Yes – I am grateful to the Three Jewels and to the man who introduced me to them. I definitely have a way to go but I am living my life a little better than I used to do. I feel more. I am living in my life more. I am not just “getting by”.

Decisions… Decisions… Decisions

I started this blog to look at and document my journey to “becoming more Tee”. I wanted to change myself, change my life, change my path. I had seen that that was possible. That was back in November. Since then a lot of my life has changed. Much that has changed has been caused by the decisions that I have made; other changes have been caused by other people’s decisions or to the undeniable fact of impermanence. And I have changed – hopefully for the better. I have walked further down the path, moved forward in my journey and now I am at a crossroad not exactly sure of the best way to go. Actually “crossroad” may not be the best analogy – that sounds too clear cut! Choose whether to go right, left or straight on (never backwards). I think that it is more as if I am in a campsite at the edge of a wood with several entrances. I can stay here for a while. I can enjoy it here for a while, living in the present, seeing the joy in the present. But, at some point my resources will run out and I have to choose an entrance and a path.

Making a decision about how to live is hard! How is it best to make these decisions? Agonise over them? Write endless pros and cons lists? Talk with friends – risking boring them to death? Jump in quickly without too much thought trusting ones instincts? Procrastinate until a decision is made for you by circumstances or other people? Follow the common, normal, accepted path (e.g. get a job, house, partner, have children, retire….). Have an end goal to which everything is directed? Looking back I have made decisions by all of these methods at one time or another!

Last year I thought outside of the box, ditched the route that I was on and made a somewhat (to me) radical plan. I made the plan quite quickly but thought about it from as many angles as I could. Now I have achieved the plan as far as it went – I have sold my house, bought and moved into a caravan, resigned from my job and taken my youngest daughter out of school. The boxes are ticked. I have done what I set out to do. But what now? What do I do now?

There are some certainties. I will be home schooling my daughter from when term would start for her in September. And I am so determined to do that to the best of my abilities. Get her out and about, help her with studying for GCSEs, involve everyone I need to in order to make her schooling as interesting and beneficial as possible. . I also want to be available for my oldest daughter who will be starting college studying for her A levels – a wonderfully exciting time for her as she approaches adulthood. So any work I do will need to be part time.

Another certainty is my training for ordination. Practising the Dharma, immersing myself within it, following it – that helps to shape my life. The Dharma is my raft towards Enlightenment. So my way of living my life is clear to me in a broad sense – I want to live a life of service to others, following the precepts as best I can and deepen my practice as best I can, however I can including through meditation, spiritual friendship, reading and retreats.

So there is a lot of certainty. But so much is still unclear to me. When do I start to look for part time work? What do I look for? What do I want to do? And – I have no idea!! None at all. I have decided to take July and August off completely, but July is nearly over….

I was messaging an old friend today. And this made me think how decisions I have made have affected my life – including those times when I let circumstances and other people make those decisions for me. 35 years ago I was madly in love with this friend. But I was a very timid teenager with very low self-esteem. He was funny, good looking and extremely popular – there was no way that he could be interested in me! So I never let him know (well until years later) – and eventually he started going out with some one else and I got together with the guy who would become my first husband. Yes – some of my decisions were not (in hindsight) the best I could have made – including choosing marriage over the opportunity to do a PhD….

But all of the decisions (good or bad, skilful or unskilful) I have made (or have not made) have led me to now, to the person that I am today. And that is okay. I also know that I am extremely fortunate to be in a position where I have choices – so many people are trapped. So I know that I am lucky. I am enjoying my life at the moment. I have just got to decide where to go from here!

A Farewell – Part 4 Exciting Years

I had my exit interview yesterday. It was a strange thing. But it brought back so many memories and made me recollect how much I used to love my job.

Moving to the central team did bring change. It was a move to the County Council. There were more rules, more conformity, less improvisation, more hoops to jump through. But I enjoyed the years from 2006 to 2016. These were the years where I had a very varied role. I was involved in strategic, operational planning. 2016 onwards was just about data, data and more data. The previous 10 years were much more fulfilling. One of the highlights was managing the Wealden Community Development Workers – a dedicated and diverse set of people. Also running workshops on how to do evaluations – I met some truly fabulous people. And the Ofsteds – about 24 of them. My team were always heavily involved – late nights, stress and anxiety. We ran on cake, coffee and pure adrenaline. We had one fabulous inspector several times who was tough – but he taught us so much. And then there was the Ofsted Inspector who was more concerned about his own agenda – I had to make an official complaint during his inspection – that was tough. But we all pulled together as a team. The energy of everyone involved was incredible. We were all so determined to do well. The day we got “Outstanding”…. well words still do not describe it.

And my team… three amazing people. So dedicated. So interesting. I loved managing them.

Mixed into all of that were the restructures. We had to save money. I managed to cling onto my job somehow – although it became more and more restrictive and involved a paycut. Times of trauma and upheaval. We lost some excellent people because the whole thing was about the job role rather than the capabilities of the people.

The last two years have been hard. I have been hemmed in by data and have often felt the pressure to skew it to make things look better than they are. I have never given into it but it did not make for an easy life. I cannot blame people for that – they were just trying to protect their job, the services they offer and the families they serve.

Three more days to go…

A Farewell – Part 3 Getting the job!

In the November / December of 2004, a job came up at Eastbourne SureStart (is it one word ore two? I never could work it out!). It was a job that I knew that I could do. It was as a Reseacher / Evaluator looking to see if the programme was making an impact on the families. In those early years, a lot of time, money and resources were put into looking at the impact of the programme; both nationally and locally. It was really difficult to prove an impact as the work was preventative so no one truly knew what would happen without the interventions and, just to make the job harder, any results would not show up for many years. Anyway, the job came up and I applied and was offered an interview…

Now, at this point, I should mention that I had done loads of interviews in the past. A two day round of interviews for my job at Equitable life involving presentations, group interviews, psychoanalytical tests, numeracy and logic tests etc etc. A gruelling set of interviews for teaching jobs – the first time I taught a secondary school class was in an interview for a job as an Information Technology Teacher at a secondary school. I had done my fair share of interviews. But my self esteem was low. I had been in pain for months. I had had a baby. I had been out of the job market for 18 months. And the offer of an interview came through – I had to do a presentation. I almost turned it down. It was a close call.

Yes – I almost didn’t go for that interview. I was so scared of the presentation. I remember getting the letter, crying and then putting Callie into a pushchair and going for a long walk. I gave myself a good talking to. By the time I returned I had decided to go for it.

Over the next week or two I prepped for the interview. It was the days of projectors and laminates. I drew up the laminates. I practised my presentation over and over again with a borrowed projector. I rehearsed it in my head as I went about my daily life. Never had a presentation been so rehearsed.

So I got the job. Researcher / Evaluator at Eastbourne Sure Start. I can still remember the excitement. I was so happy to have got a job with people who had helped me so much in an organisation which did so much good.

I loved that job. The team was so fantastic to work with – and everyone just mucked in and did what they needed to do to help the families. There was no “that isn’t my job”, “you are stepping on my toes”. Everyone just worked together. It resulted in such a rich and varied working environment. I loved doing evaluation, trying different ways of measuring impact. I enjoyed talking with parents. Writing the reports was just my cup of tea. But I did much more than that. I helped in the groups when needed, sometimes running the singing sessions at the end; I ran a group myself for a while; I helped run the parent forums.; I helped at a Dad’s group in Hailsham on a Saturday morning. It was a lovely, enriching time. New Children’s Centres were opened. Dora the explorer came and visited Willingdon Trees Children’s Centre with her sidekick, Boots. New services and activities were constantly being introduced as the needs of the families became apparent.

I worked at Eastbourne Sure Start until April 2006. I did take 3 months out when I had Lexie. Lexie was introduced to Sure Start at a very early age. I took her to groups when she was just a couple of weeks old. I wasn’t really away for those 3 months I must admit.

Then in April 2006 Sure Start became Children’s Centres and I joined the East Sussex Children’s Centres central team. I was sorry to leave the Eastbourne team but I was ready to move on. So began 13 years of surviving restructures (just), differing job titles and Ofsteds.