Decisions… Decisions… Decisions

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I started this blog to look at and document my journey to “becoming more Tee”.  I wanted to change myself, change my life, change my path.  I had seen that that was possible.  That was back in November.  Since then a lot of my life has changed.  Much that has changed has been caused by the decisions that I have made; other changes have been caused by other people’s decisions or to the undeniable fact of impermanence.   And I have changed – hopefully for the better.  I have walked further down the path, moved forward in my journey and now I am at a crossroad not exactly sure of the best way to go.  Actually “crossroad” may not be the best analogy – that sounds too clear cut!  Choose whether to go right, left or straight on (never backwards).  I think that it is more as if I am in a campsite at the edge of a wood with several entrances.  I can stay here for a while.  I can enjoy it here for a while, living in the present, seeing the joy in the present.  But, at some point my resources will run out and I have to choose an entrance and a path.

Making a decision about how to live is hard!  How is it best to make these decisions?  Agonise over them?  Write endless pros and cons lists?  Talk with friends – risking boring them to death?  Jump in quickly without too much thought trusting ones instincts?  Procrastinate until a decision is made for you by circumstances or other people?  Follow the common, normal, accepted path (e.g. get a job, house, partner, have children, retire….).   Have an end goal to which everything is directed?  Looking back I have made decisions by all of these methods at one time or another!

Last year I thought outside of the box, ditched the route that I was on and made a somewhat (to me) radical plan.  I made the plan quite quickly but thought about it from as many angles as I could.  Now I have achieved the plan as far as it went – I have sold my house, bought and moved into a caravan, resigned from my job and taken my youngest daughter out of school.  The boxes are ticked.  I have done what I set out to do.  But what now?  What do I do now?

There are some certainties.  I will be home schooling my daughter from when term would start for her in September.  And I am so determined to do that to the best of my abilities.  Get her out and about, help her with studying for GCSEs, involve everyone I need to in order to make her schooling as interesting and beneficial as possible.  . I also want to be available for my oldest daughter who will be starting college studying for her A levels – a wonderfully exciting time for her as she approaches adulthood.  So any work I do will need to be part time.

Another certainty is my training for ordination.  Practising the Dharma, immersing myself within it, following it – that helps to shape my life.  The Dharma is my raft towards Enlightenment.  So my way of living my life is clear to me in a broad sense – I want to live a life of service to others, following the precepts as best I can and deepen my practice as best I can, however I can including through meditation, spiritual friendship, reading and retreats.

So there is a lot of certainty.  But so much is still unclear to me.  When do I start to look for part time work?  What do I look for?  What do I want to do?  And – I have no idea!!  None at all.  I have decided to take July and August off completely, but July is nearly over….

I was messaging an old friend today.  And this made me think how decisions I have made have affected my life – including those times when I let circumstances and other people make those decisions for me. 35 years ago I was madly in love with this friend.  But I was a very timid teenager with very low self-esteem.  He was funny, good looking and extremely popular – there was no way that he could be interested in me!  So I never let him know  (well until years later) – and eventually he started going out with some one else and I got together with the guy who would become my first husband.   Yes – some of my decisions were not (in hindsight) the best I could have made – including choosing marriage over the opportunity to do a PhD….

But all of the decisions (good or bad, skilful or unskilful) I  have made (or have not made) have led me to now, to the person that I am today.  And that is okay.  I also know that I am extremely fortunate to be in a position where I have choices – so many people are trapped.  So I know that I am lucky.  I am enjoying my life at the moment.  I have just got to decide where to go from here!

Any thoughts?